tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3244497314907202076..comments2024-03-19T03:20:39.801-04:00Comments on Authoress: First 750 #8Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11754813811275227812010-07-28T20:06:12.555-04:002010-07-28T20:06:12.555-04:00I really like this premise (I have the advantage o...I really like this premise (I have the advantage of having seen the query) and the voice I love. <br /><br />In particular, I love the perfume/ hair description and for some reason the line about giving him a piece of paper somehow stands out as something I think a kid his age would say. I, too, like how he sees Jen and the hair over the hand detail is nicely done.<br /><br />I really get the sense (the whole week thing didn't bother me) that this kid hates school, and reading in particular. <br /><br />My only suggestion is that you don't echo "dropped" (mouth dropped open/smile dropped), And I actually kind of like the locker detail--it's another example of him not wanting to put forth effort to learn something and I feel it lends "grounding" in the real world, which is good to have when you've got supernatural things about to happen.<br /><br />Best wishes, I like it a lot!Michellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77534889814400774192010-07-28T15:54:47.256-04:002010-07-28T15:54:47.256-04:00I liked this. I thought it was clean and straight...I liked this. I thought it was clean and straightforward and to the point. You introduced the book which I believe will be the catalyst for the ensuing problems, you've introduced the MC and his best friend, as well as his dislike for books and reading.<br /><br />Since the title is 'Lure,' and the book to be read is "lure,' and it's paranormal, I assuming that book is going to lure him into something. Maybe the girls are asking the boys to read it because it will get the boys liking them, like a love potion? It could be anything, really, and I'd read on to find out.<br /><br />So while not a lot happens in this submission, I'm seeing the potential. I see how you're setting it up, and I have faith that you'll follow through.<br /><br />She's delusional if she thinks Dane's gonna read that book.<br /><br />This sentence is in present tense and everything so far is in past tense. Might want to change it.<br /><br />I didn't think most of the locker parg was necessary. Perhaps just say he opened it then go into 'the weekend was here.'<br /><br />Good luck!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15607006472190853262010-07-28T14:14:10.387-04:002010-07-28T14:14:10.387-04:00Hmmm...I like the humor and voice of this piece, t...Hmmm...I like the humor and voice of this piece, they really show. But I agree with Creepy Query Girl. There's a hint at a conflict with Melissa here, but I'm not seeing enough of a main conflict. The first part with Melissa ends with minimal conflict, then it moves on to Jen, but nothing here hints at trouble. Or at least, not ENOUGH trouble. <br /><br />Keeping that in mind, I'm wondering if this story is starting in the right place. It just feels like the equilibrium of the protag's life has not been broken yet, which usually happens in the first couple pages of books nowadays. I could be wrong, but it seems like the story is heading toward a book club meeting or something to do with the book club. If so, then you can start the story there, and layer in the backstory of Melissa inviting him to join and their history and all that. Just a thought, if I'm on par at all.Chris Vhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00628682876855958199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49356938792117949402010-07-28T13:18:39.261-04:002010-07-28T13:18:39.261-04:00I liked the hook but wish there was a little more ...I liked the hook but wish there was a little more meat to it. <br /><br />Some of the sentences need a re-write. Example:<br /><br />“…Instead, Melissa and her snob-clan surrounded me. Every time she tossed her hair, passing out from the perfume-overload became a real problem…”<br /><br />And I like the thought behind this sentence; “If it couldn't be read -- translation: skimmed -- during study hall, it wasn't getting read…” but cleanse the colon, er, um, well you need to get rid of it and the passive phrases in this line.<br /><br />Avoid clichés like ‘you took the words right out of my mouth’. Come up with something original instead.<br /><br />This submission leaves me semi-hooked. I would like to know more.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18795185878539306392010-07-28T13:17:59.601-04:002010-07-28T13:17:59.601-04:00I really liked the opening line but the first thin...I really liked the opening line but the first thing I thought of (without reading the genre) was a fantasy type never-ending story with the book itself being dangerous. I learned after a second quick read along with the second sentence that it isn't anything like that.<br /><br />I am intrigued as to why the main snob wants him to read this book. I also think its weird that his friend (I assume Dane is his friend) is going out with a snob. <br /><br />I thought maybe he didn't like girls in general with the way he looked at the pack with distain but it seems his best friend is a girl. So our main character is quite an enigma.<br /><br />You seem to pack a lot into the first 750 words but besides the book thing, I haven't come to the main conflict or promise of conflict ahead. I'm wondering if his new studying method is relevant to the story or not.<br /><br />Basically, I like your writing style but I'm left wondering what kind of story this is and what the conflict is. I would try and bring it to the forefront.Creepy Query Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18115161057496086972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32213883796756654772010-07-28T13:13:23.748-04:002010-07-28T13:13:23.748-04:00Reactions as I read:
1) Interesting first line. M...Reactions as I read:<br /><br />1) Interesting first line. Makes me think inkheart.<br /><br />2) Melis-snob felt forced, but I liked "to don't list"<br /><br />3) hard--predatory was weird. Maybe ellipses instead? "were hard... predatory..."<br /><br />4) is the book a lure, or was the tile Lure? confused.<br /><br />5) I totally skipped over the MC's name. Had to go back to find it. <br /><br />6) What's the MC's age/grade? Old enough to notice if Melissa is pretty (even if he doesn't like her, he should notice).<br /><br />7) Very weird about the book club. I liked it. Want to know more!<br /><br />8) "the same locker" detail was distracting.<br /><br />9) "read--translation--skimmed... it wouldn't get read". odd phrasing. Maybe just "If it couldn't get skimmed during study hall it wouldn't get read."<br /><br />10) Liked Jen. Could tell he liked her without having to say it.<br /><br />11) the two down 38 to go thing was completely baffling.<br /><br />12) Bookshelf line was awkward. Had to reread several times.<br /><br />I really liked this. There was enough to keep me interested and reading without too much backstory. I am very intrigued about the book club thing, and wish there were more to read! Good job overall. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.com