tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3268981048353937142..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #39Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18995064476419803662019-01-27T19:16:50.126-05:002019-01-27T19:16:50.126-05:00Really great start! I don’t think the first paragr...Really great start! I don’t think the first paragraph is very strong, but the rest is super intriguing. “Princess Piper” and “Queen Evelyn” sounds a little cheesy. I’d hold off on saying either of their names until later on when she’s outside Evelyn’s office and her sister says her name. It would make more sense for the robot to just say “princess” and “the queen wishes” anyway. I think saving the reveal that the queen is actually her sister until the “asked my sister” moment will pack a much bigger punch. <br />Sounds like an SF Frozen, great hook.<br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40405160727182800422019-01-26T20:18:20.338-05:002019-01-26T20:18:20.338-05:00I definitely a sense of the relationship between h...I definitely a sense of the relationship between her and her sister. I also hear the voice quite well and already have some clues about her and the story. And I like the futuristic features mentioned. I think there is some word choice that could be tightened up (e.g. voice is repeated and the 'spoke from speakers' seems redundant) but overall good start. (The combo of mint and copper is interesting, makes me curious;)janfloranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73149209419076206562019-01-25T17:56:15.652-05:002019-01-25T17:56:15.652-05:00I liked the first line a lot, although I agree wit...I liked the first line a lot, although I agree with JHem that it would be even better with the "after our parents died". <br /><br />Also I think this would benefit from some idea of the setting here, we don't get anything until the smell of the sister's office but other than that I have no idea where we are. A spaceship? An office building? It would be nice to just have some hints sprinkled in so they aren't standing in a blank space. AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72916487169678840942019-01-24T00:41:23.260-05:002019-01-24T00:41:23.260-05:00I like the first line. This is all good. Only ques...I like the first line. This is all good. Only question I had was about the patrol officer passing and her heart pounding. I thought it was because she likes him, but then it seemed she was just nervous to go talk to her sister. If it's the guard, could he have a name? Could he nod at her as he passes by? If it's not because of the guard, I wonder why he's included at all. No doubt you have your reason, I just hope it becomes clear soon. Keep it up! You've got a great start here!Betsyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172083170208857228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4827335575447475122019-01-23T19:02:27.000-05:002019-01-23T19:02:27.000-05:00I love your first sentence, but I think it could h...I love your first sentence, but I think it could hook even more if you tightened it up just a bit. Maybe something along the lines of “After our parents died, I handles my relationship with my sister the same way I handled a microscope slide—with few fingerprints and the fear that one misstep would shatter everything.”<br /><br />I had a little trouble orienting myself in the scene. Partly because I wasn’t sure who the “her” in the second sentence was referring to, and partly because some of the characters are talking in Piper's ear piece. Just a little more blocking would help establish and clarify who is present in the scene and make it easier for me to picture as a reader. To me, you lose more in the way of clarity than you gain in suspense by withholding the fact that Queen Evelyn = sister until the last sentence of the 250. I’d be more interested to know that up front.<br /><br />I love the sci-fi fantasy blend here. I’ve been craving a story that mixes sci-fi tech with fantasy tropes. Best of luck :)<br />AEHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43827690107788292672019-01-23T12:04:53.413-05:002019-01-23T12:04:53.413-05:00I think starting with "I'd learned to.......I think starting with "I'd learned to...." would be better than automatically mentioning dead parents, simply because this is a better view into the relationship we're being introduced to. But I do like the snippets of world building we get here! JHemnoreply@blogger.com