tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3284983745040845759..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent Contest #1Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33308480976841497462018-03-10T07:39:39.435-05:002018-03-10T07:39:39.435-05:00Bob sounds like a jackass and I can't wait for...Bob sounds like a jackass and I can't wait for her to leave him lol. I like this, I don't like the word "seemingly" in there, I think it is stronger without it. And I also think the radio stuff goes on too long. But other than that I think it is strong!AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36611066740099352542018-03-09T13:17:15.276-05:002018-03-09T13:17:15.276-05:00I so love the nuance in this relationship. I can ...I so love the nuance in this relationship. I can feel the tension in the car already and wonder what waits for this couple when they get home. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90286969345131213302018-03-08T21:46:36.661-05:002018-03-08T21:46:36.661-05:00It's written well, but I wanted more, I wanted...It's written well, but I wanted more, I wanted a hook. What is your inciting incident, and can you get it on page one? <br /><br />I also thought you could do without the baseball. Maybe just show us that he's more interested in the game than anything she has to say, and let it go, if that's the point you're going for. Get a little oomph onto the page.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80278890782500094122018-03-07T20:54:30.899-05:002018-03-07T20:54:30.899-05:00If the sports' announcements reflect something...If the sports' announcements reflect something about their marriage: injury, rehab, second chances, then I would keep it. If it doesn't, I would tighten and summarize the announcements, rather than include direct quotes from the announcers.Diannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37173744484242057592018-03-07T13:46:47.801-05:002018-03-07T13:46:47.801-05:00I like this. The references to Allentown and Long ...I like this. The references to Allentown and Long Island are an effective, quick way to establish setting. The narrator says she's not concerned about the silence but that's belied by the way she keeps trying to fill it. Already I can feel the disconnect between her and Bob. I'm not usually a big fan of present tense, but it looks like you're making it work here. Good luck!Matrilhttp://cynthiaailshie.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60424083266452202902018-03-07T12:28:13.443-05:002018-03-07T12:28:13.443-05:00I like your opening. The sample does a good job of...I like your opening. The sample does a good job of setting up your character's longing. Maybe hint a bit more at what that longing is... is it for Bob, her children, something more / someone else? Right now I'm left wondering if her comment that "the silence is a perk" of being married this long is part of the lie she tells herself. I'm guessing, yes. My suggestion is since this is first person, is to make it a bit more personal. Right now it feels distant, though that maybe the style. For example, instead of referring to her husband as Bob, wouldn't she refer to him as "my husband?" Maybe cut down on the bits describing the radio announcers because 1) it doesn't seem like your main character would really be focused much on their actual words, more the fact that her husband is and 2) it takes up valuable real estate in your first 250 words. Overall, I enjoyed reading it and empathized with your character. Good luck!<br /><br />Lisa B.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76211272255277697752018-03-07T12:08:13.703-05:002018-03-07T12:08:13.703-05:00I like the setting, the details and the mood of th...I like the setting, the details and the mood of the car as a couple seemingly drops their youngest off at college. I think it could use a little more tension, some foreshadowing, suspense. It seems to lack the hook, a spark, that would make me want to read more. Maybe it's in the next para, but I think it would be good if you could add something in the first few paragraphs. Good luck!Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9858438591457460072018-03-07T11:54:06.281-05:002018-03-07T11:54:06.281-05:00I'm hooked, but I did have a few hiccups. 1. &...I'm hooked, but I did have a few hiccups. 1. "We haven't spoken since Allentown." The second sentence makes clear that you mean "since leaving Allentown" but this could be "since something happened in Allentown, years ago." 2. "Sadie was our last to go." This could be a cow dying, rather than the youngest child going off to school. 3. "So much smaller... And it isn't a real closet." At first I thought you were talking about the room itself. I love the scene-setting and tiny details... how a married couple communicates!Carol Croninhttp://www.carolnewmancronin.comnoreply@blogger.com