tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3297066477493126458..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 27 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49294724877030692352010-03-17T23:22:57.624-04:002010-03-17T23:22:57.624-04:00The dialog is more than a little choppy here, it d...The dialog is more than a little choppy here, it definitely disrupts the flow of the scene. I don't see a real hook, hook here, but the voice isn't bad. I would keep reading on for a little bit to see where it goes.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61034058504542966712010-03-17T23:22:16.292-04:002010-03-17T23:22:16.292-04:00The dialog is more than a little choppy here, it d...The dialog is more than a little choppy here, it definitely disrupts the flow of the scene. I don't see a real hook, hook here, but the voice isn't bad. I would keep reading on for a little bit to see where it goes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8536455913169083562010-03-13T00:05:11.310-05:002010-03-13T00:05:11.310-05:00250 words worth I haven't stopped reading. Yo...250 words worth I haven't stopped reading. You'd be going to Hollywood on American Idol for me.Zara Penneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11573081736355323976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6736379298077717422010-03-12T18:31:31.162-05:002010-03-12T18:31:31.162-05:00I had the same thought as Barbara - this isn't...I had the same thought as Barbara - this isn't a very compelling opening. There's a hint of interest when you mention Alex is going back to Italy, but the two girls chatting about books doesn't hook me. I get that you're establishing character, but I personally would prefer more of a hook at this point.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4693555408782842142010-03-12T17:19:07.142-05:002010-03-12T17:19:07.142-05:00I think this might be too ordinary of an opening -...I think this might be too ordinary of an opening - two girls on a plane chatting.<br /><br />Perhaps give us a hint of a problem, or a hint of the fantasy, or both. Maybe try to create a bit of conflict or tension?<br /><br />Also, I wondered if they were high school kids or college kids, since they are mentioned as being both, and I wondered who 'her friend' was. Why not tell us the friend's name when you first introduce her?<br /><br />This may not be the best place to start. You might consider starting at the moment things go wrong, or become strange.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91535031097831960492010-03-11T22:01:02.089-05:002010-03-11T22:01:02.089-05:00The scene is cute but shows us Alex is going to do...The scene is cute but shows us Alex is going to do something--how about she's already there doing it?Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09370900593361310765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79177314119885538222010-03-11T13:19:06.796-05:002010-03-11T13:19:06.796-05:00You have established the setting really well here ...You have established the setting really well here - some great descriptions.<br /><br />But I wanted to meet William right from the start - in the first paragraph. Am wondering if you could swap paragraph one and two and make more of the emphasis on William rather than the setting - and give us an emotional connection to William earlier. In the last paragraph you give an indication of what all this means to him, but I wanted to know a bit earlier.<br /><br />A great job of setting up the story.Dee Whitehttp://deescribewriting.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19955022994010175542010-03-11T13:13:13.732-05:002010-03-11T13:13:13.732-05:00The beginning of this hooked me in, but seeing as ...The beginning of this hooked me in, but seeing as it's a fantasy novel, I didn't get the feeling of this from the piece.<br /><br />I think you need to establish the fantasy setting/theme right from the start. At the moment it reads more like contemporary YA.<br /><br />The girls were realistically drawn, but I thought there might have been a bit too much 'conversational dialogue' that didn't really move the story along.Dee Whitehttp://deescribewriting.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54653808389173578382010-03-10T16:07:14.883-05:002010-03-10T16:07:14.883-05:00I agree with John on all counts. You do have a go...I agree with John on all counts. You do have a good story and you've got my interest, but it feels too choppy. It would all be easy to fix the flow and get this humming along. Good luck!SeaHayesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74626022887898105922010-03-10T15:49:11.183-05:002010-03-10T15:49:11.183-05:00You've got a good framework here, and you brin...You've got a good framework here, and you bring the reader in nicely, but I found a few things jarring. <br /><br />"was second-hand, knock-off brand" unintentional rhymes in prose bother me, especially since the rhythm of this is close to a rap lyric. <br /><br />I agree that the switch from third person to first in the end of the first graf is a problem I (also, that it's easy to fix). <br /><br />Also, the dialogue is a little actiony. <br /><br />Alessandria turns to her friend. (dialogue)<br /><br />Alex chuckled (dialogue)<br /><br />Kristy flipped ... (dialogue)<br /><br />Alex held up her hands ... (dialogue)<br /><br />A snort of laughter ... (dialogue)<br /><br />Nothing's wrong with it, but it's a lot to process. I feel like one action per character in that sequence would be enough. Any more than that and I get distracted.JohnOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04761555703224981053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37162437972910541512010-03-10T12:39:19.650-05:002010-03-10T12:39:19.650-05:00The opening paragraph really sets the stage. I fee...The opening paragraph really sets the stage. I feel like I get what kind of girl Alessandria is. Agree about the first person thought--perhaps italics there?<br /><br />I was pulled out by a few little things--like the phrase "turned to look at her friend next to her" read awkwardly. Maybe use Kristi's name to avoid using "her" twice?<br /><br />Also didn't feel like Kristi would poke the book if she were a high schooler, nor did I feel that Alex's statement "Um first thing, eww." felt in keeping with the girl you painted. Sounds a touch Valley girl and not like the intelligent person you set me up for--though her second sentence works.<br /><br />Overall well done. As for a hook--not sure there is one in this segment for me, but I'd read on. To see what happens in Italy, especially if the jacket copy was intriguing.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19595196866700266992010-03-10T11:42:01.485-05:002010-03-10T11:42:01.485-05:00YA isn't really my cup of tea, but this is a g...YA isn't really my cup of tea, but this is a good hook. I'm curious why Alex is going *back* to Italy and why she was there the first time. <br /><br />I'd shift the first person in the first paragraph to match the third person in the rest of the piece. I know it's her thoughts, but it stands out too much. Easily fixed. <br /><br />Good job!V.R. Leavitthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04695046154516205907noreply@blogger.com