tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3359344441133999000..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #37Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26640622078730755722012-04-14T14:15:22.627-04:002012-04-14T14:15:22.627-04:00The details and showing are quite good. I can see ...The details and showing are quite good. I can see Benjamin in his cardboard bedroom, living quite happily in other people's trash. <br /><br />I felt like there was a lot of narrator telling at the beginning, which might work very well, but you ran out of room to give us a conflict, which I'm sure is going to show up at word #251. :) <br /><br />The first line could be a place for that conflict as I got lost in the words and had to reread it a couple times to make sure he wasn't on the trash island IN the ocean. I think that first paragraph could work harder for you.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89166452648742160832012-04-13T12:13:01.577-04:002012-04-13T12:13:01.577-04:00This has a very Roald Dahl-ish feel to it. Aside ...This has a very Roald Dahl-ish feel to it. Aside from the Kenmore reference, I think it's perfect!will1966noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31396213933574505272012-04-12T22:29:38.412-04:002012-04-12T22:29:38.412-04:00I was a fifth-grade teacher and used to read to my...I was a fifth-grade teacher and used to read to my kids every afternoon for an hour. I can imagine their being hooked by this opening. I certainly am! Benjamin is someone I want to get to know.Eleanor S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13047713034621095851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81044077204639298062012-04-12T16:37:52.582-04:002012-04-12T16:37:52.582-04:00I thought of Benjamin Button too only because of t...I thought of Benjamin Button too only because of the Bs. Love the voice. Love the premise and am already wanting to help Benjamin get out of that horrid situation. Definitely want to read more.Mary Vettelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16095755720390348707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68118164513674393202012-04-12T00:42:18.867-04:002012-04-12T00:42:18.867-04:00Excellent. Please ignore all suggestions to change...Excellent. Please ignore all suggestions to change the beginning.Happy Dolphinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70031660096481936052012-04-11T20:49:48.888-04:002012-04-11T20:49:48.888-04:00Great job! This is a wonderful example of "vo...Great job! This is a wonderful example of "voice", and I felt drawn in to Benjamin right away. I would definitely keep reading.<br /><br />I thought your second and third paragraphs were stronger than your first. I like the narration, but I felt somewhat bogged down by the end of the opening paragraph. <br /><br />I agree with other commenters re: the use of brand names. I think it would be more powerful to leave it generic. <br /><br />Have you read Andy Mulligan's "Trash"? The tone is completely different, but it's the first thing that jumped to my mind after reading the first sentence. Might be useful as competitive analysis research, and if nothing else, it's a pretty good book.<br /><br />If you happen to be looking for a partner for beta read exchanges, I'd enjoy that (I'm entry #21). There's a quality to your writing I really enjoy.<br /><br />JeffJeff Chenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09513769920700232986noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40683583830877282842012-04-11T19:44:55.689-04:002012-04-11T19:44:55.689-04:00I loved it. :) I love the voice. I agree with cutt...I loved it. :) I love the voice. I agree with cutting the line about 'it all began' but I wouldn't cut the opening paragraph. I think it's great. I totally want to read more. Good luck!Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48717891708577278602012-04-11T19:25:13.235-04:002012-04-11T19:25:13.235-04:00I generally like a narrative story-teller voice an...I generally like a narrative story-teller voice and yes, this took me to a Lemony Snicket place. <br /><br />Still, I feel like you are playing with a false hook- a beginning sentence that hooks the reader so you can then go on for paragraphs saying what you want to say and leaving the reader hanging.<br /><br />It didn't compel me.ripleyhttp://www.ripleypatton.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38360462065191024382012-04-11T18:30:30.465-04:002012-04-11T18:30:30.465-04:00I think you could actually skip the first paragrap...I think you could actually skip the first paragraph. I'd rather "see" that Benjamin is unusual than have the narrator tell me that.<br /><br />That being said, I enjoyed the voice for the other two paragraphs. Saying that Benjamin felt he actually belong in that wretched place tells me a lot more about the character than the opening paragraph does.A.J.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67300585259403310082012-04-11T18:09:12.536-04:002012-04-11T18:09:12.536-04:00I'll agree that the "In the beginning&quo...I'll agree that the "In the beginning" line contradicts the opening paragraph, but otherwise I'm totally hooked. I felt really sad at the end--poor Benjamin!<br /><br />As for the comments on cutting the first paragraph and that the tone is a little old-fashioned for MG readers... it reminded me of the Lemony Snicket series--which I love to bits. So I vote to keep it as is, and just change the "in the beginning" sentence. <br /><br />Good luck!Melissa Jacksonhttp://melissa-jackson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55367736416284093822012-04-11T17:07:24.163-04:002012-04-11T17:07:24.163-04:00Made me think of Benjamin Button, was that a purpo...Made me think of Benjamin Button, was that a purposeful parallel? Anyway, I agree that you sort of contradict yourself, in the beginning...but, I liked this. I'd read on. <br /><br />Good job.LindaHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45524679781528144242012-04-11T16:39:35.129-04:002012-04-11T16:39:35.129-04:00I LOVE the way this starts off, but by paragraph t...I LOVE the way this starts off, but by paragraph two, I want to be in Benjamin's head, not the narrator. <br /><br />Had you thought about that? When does he become the MC? <br /><br />Yes, I'd like to read more.<br /><br />Good Luck!Paula Millhousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07758689597349294396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50936131198771334642012-04-11T16:13:06.030-04:002012-04-11T16:13:06.030-04:00I love narrator's voice. I'd definitely re...I love narrator's voice. I'd definitely read more.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13297931478620077336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28121480413964561442012-04-11T16:12:57.592-04:002012-04-11T16:12:57.592-04:00I love the voice. Overall great beginning.I love the voice. Overall great beginning.jillheidnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49970381105408690072012-04-11T15:36:19.778-04:002012-04-11T15:36:19.778-04:00I liked this a lot. It made me think "Series ...I liked this a lot. It made me think "Series of Unfortunate Events" with the storyteller voice. Really well done. I like the Kenmore reference, gave me a time reference.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63088268992082922462012-04-11T14:27:41.437-04:002012-04-11T14:27:41.437-04:00I agree with the above comments. It has an old-fas...I agree with the above comments. It has an old-fashioned Dickensian feel to it. Which is exactly why I was jarred a little with the mention of a brand name "Kenmore." You could just say refrigerator, hmm?<br /><br />Nice job. I'm all in.Ronald L. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03649046677631873728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23096167657141865872012-04-11T13:42:19.056-04:002012-04-11T13:42:19.056-04:00Really, really enjoyed this. My only suggestion wo...Really, really enjoyed this. My only suggestion would be to cut some of the narrative and begin with "Bejamin saw the dead body..." Just gives the story some oomph :)Kelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02847967072513793874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35749214139505755542012-04-11T13:02:28.507-04:002012-04-11T13:02:28.507-04:00I agree with the above comments about the line &qu...I agree with the above comments about the line "It all began with..." but, in general, I really like this. I love the setting, in particular. As a lover of the Boxcar children in my youth, I am programmed to want to read about a MC that lives in a refrigerator box. :) More please!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9185569579823014542012-04-11T11:52:42.842-04:002012-04-11T11:52:42.842-04:00I love this, especially the storyteller quality of...I love this, especially the storyteller quality of the voice. I'm hooked!Juliahttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67517760142956432042012-04-11T11:29:57.482-04:002012-04-11T11:29:57.482-04:00I love this. The voice is strong and unusual and c...I love this. The voice is strong and unusual and confident. I think the line about "all the other foul smelling things people throw away" is poignant, and totally brings sympathy for the MC. One point that builds on the one above - since you make the point so start in the middle, make sure you do so. Take out the all began (or maybe change it to "The middle begins the...") and bring us into it a little more quickly. The dead body is great, but then you slow down with a bunch of description that sounds suspiciously like the beginning. Still, all in all I love this and would keep reading ! Dana (#41)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76612008322276772452012-04-11T10:49:50.776-04:002012-04-11T10:49:50.776-04:00I love the idea behind this story and the voice to...I love the idea behind this story and the voice too - it sounds a little old-fashioned, though. I like it but I wonder if MG-age kids would? <br /><br />You say you won't start at the beginning in the first paragraph, but then the next paragraph begins with, It all began... I actually think you could take out the lines where you talk about telling the tale and just get on with telling the tale. It's an interesting unique idea so you can hook readers with that instead.Franziskahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04969060327273110157noreply@blogger.com