tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post33818934389849237..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #27Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63544245711975810602016-01-15T15:59:12.872-05:002016-01-15T15:59:12.872-05:00Overall, good. I agree with some of the above abou...Overall, good. I agree with some of the above about Hesswell's explanation of the attack. I would expect him to be slightly more agitated, or at least slightly discombobulated after an attack (unless it wasn't recent). Maybe this is just an effusively polite society. <br /><br />The one real critique I have is that I think you should switch the order of "Alinda held back a smile" and "Understood". You've written Hessler's prior sentence as being cut off, but then you follow it in a way that reads like she's cutting him off with a held-back smile. It'd make more sense if she cut him off with actual words.hlbrixeynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73327893848370243942016-01-15T13:44:38.343-05:002016-01-15T13:44:38.343-05:00I can follow the dialog easily, and I like it. I d...I can follow the dialog easily, and I like it. I don't think Alinda's words should be shortened, since she's being official. <br />The only thing I would suggest is more of description of Silda. What in particular about her face or body language makes her stern?Mark Muratahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03562597698193306363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65287856377866064512016-01-15T09:03:12.588-05:002016-01-15T09:03:12.588-05:00I guess I'll be a dissenter. Sorry, but I did ...I guess I'll be a dissenter. Sorry, but I did not find the conversation natural. I can't imagine someone saying 'you have my apologies for the attack you suffered, both at the hands of your opponents and from some of our own careless Cadets'<br /><br />And 'please describe the exact circumstances of your attack' implies an accusation that Hesswell's group attacked.<br /><br />I assume the riot was detailed in the preceding pages. If so, you might use more exposition here. If not, you need to say more about it. Either way, the long sentences and formal speaking drain any sense of conflict. Do you want to remove all animosity? I think I'd like it more if Hesswell hesitated more, or was more passive aggressive.ikmarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09211122590810154080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65266352170762213942016-01-14T16:54:30.724-05:002016-01-14T16:54:30.724-05:00I think this is a well-written piece of dialogue b...I think this is a well-written piece of dialogue between two people. It's clear what has happened and who is doing the speaking. I think some of the lines could be shortened, especially when Hesswell describes what has happened. Maybe condense what he says. Overall though, I think it's good dialogue and moves the plot forward. Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39943392860011594862016-01-14T16:51:18.965-05:002016-01-14T16:51:18.965-05:00I agree with Suzanne, the dialogue is very well-wr...I agree with Suzanne, the dialogue is very well-written. It is very formal. Do they always speak like this? I love the line “I called the kid the sludge-dredged spawn of a brine fly." I really don't have any criticisms, except for maybe shortening a couple of the lines.<br /><br />"All right. Do you lot have a spokesperson who can tell me what happened?”<br />--to--<br />"All right. Is there a spokesperson who can tell me what happened?"<br /><br />or<br /><br />“Now, could you please describe the exact circumstances of your attack?” -- remove "exact"<br /><br />Overall, well done. I would like to know more about Silda and why he's explaining who she is, why the riot happened--and why it happened right outside the Peacekeep station.M. Fellernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23761604265442184302016-01-14T11:09:34.022-05:002016-01-14T11:09:34.022-05:00This dialogue is really well-written, so I don'...This dialogue is really well-written, so I don't have anything to critique there, but I feel like there is some room for improvement in Hesswell's dialogue. Alinda's character is presented as someone who is level-headed and thoughtful. It's great that she can diffuse the situation, but Hesswell is also coming across as very reasonable. There's no tension here as a result. If a riot happened, I would imagine he would be much more agitated. His sentences would be shorter and more emotional. Maybe you could try injecting a bit more anger and frustration into what Hesswell says and see if it amps up the energy of the scene.Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10114423416040216214noreply@blogger.com