tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3480253452640484333..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #19Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30143260219117211382013-06-28T07:31:15.884-04:002013-06-28T07:31:15.884-04:00Almost. I would have stopped at 'very grown-up...Almost. I would have stopped at 'very grown-up'. I found the Parisian vs American reference too old for MG.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79539409565522138352013-06-28T00:01:54.381-04:002013-06-28T00:01:54.381-04:00Yes--with some edits; I like the sentiment here, b...Yes--with some edits; I like the sentiment here, but I think paring this down will help. You could name the watch and polish right away rather than saying "them" and using the em-dashes, and the last bit can maybe be rephrased a bit. Curious on the setting and unicorns etc, sounds cute.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50489260365164314082013-06-27T21:48:12.550-04:002013-06-27T21:48:12.550-04:00Yes.
I love the voice in this. It's 3rd perso...Yes.<br /><br />I love the voice in this. It's 3rd person, so I think it's okay that it sounds a little older. Anyway, a 12 year old girl is not *that* young. They're not kids anymore. From someone with a 12 year old sister, I can totally imagine her doing this and thinking this.Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85949872815962175752013-06-27T21:19:55.456-04:002013-06-27T21:19:55.456-04:00No. ´The language is not middle grade. No. ´The language is not middle grade. Claudia CVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12069473967140118914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3048989255904134072013-06-27T20:33:43.575-04:002013-06-27T20:33:43.575-04:00Yes. I loved the voice. You may want to chop it in...Yes. I loved the voice. You may want to chop it in half as has been suggested. But I like this!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80977642522482320682013-06-27T20:05:00.812-04:002013-06-27T20:05:00.812-04:00No--The sentence is clunky. Instead of saying ...No--The sentence is clunky. Instead of saying 'them' and then naming them, just name them. Then divide the sentence.<br /><br />Clara tried the watch and the blue nail polish. She felt very grown up, and very Parisian, in an American sort of way.<br /><br />But then I ask myself what a 12 year old knows about feeling Parisian. And how do you feel Parisian in an American sort of way. It's vague.<br /><br />Perhaps start with her applying the nail polish and tell us where it, and the watch, came from?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1714368275511782882013-06-27T19:52:18.998-04:002013-06-27T19:52:18.998-04:00No. Too wordy. Also, there's something about i...No. Too wordy. Also, there's something about it that makes me think she's snotty and that turns me off.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1984632994269856542013-06-27T19:23:22.617-04:002013-06-27T19:23:22.617-04:00I want so badly to like this—Clara seems like she ...I want so badly to like this—Clara seems like she has a fun-to-read personality, and I like the ideas here. It's a no for me, though, because of the sentence structure and because I'm a little confused about what "very Parisian, in an American sort of way" means. "12" should be spelled out as "twelve." I'm thinking this opening would work better if broken into two sentences: "Clara was trying them out—the watch and the blue nail polish—and felt very grown-up for twelve. Also very Parisian, in an American sort of way." KOhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.com/current-projects/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77160863895752458872013-06-27T19:04:23.321-04:002013-06-27T19:04:23.321-04:00No - good voice but felt like a data dump.No - good voice but felt like a data dump.junoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-393162001991746802013-06-27T18:11:41.672-04:002013-06-27T18:11:41.672-04:00No - awkward phrasing, and subject matter doesn...No - awkward phrasing, and subject matter doesn't seem compelling. The Dieselpunkettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16957945738556312135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55720848830433650462013-06-27T17:38:00.010-04:002013-06-27T17:38:00.010-04:00Yes, I like Clara being very Parisian in an Americ...Yes, I like Clara being very Parisian in an American sort of way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33192737453126413092013-06-27T17:15:46.576-04:002013-06-27T17:15:46.576-04:00No. Telling rather than showing. Not much here to ...No. Telling rather than showing. Not much here to be interesting. Why would a kid think a watch is Parisian? Pretty much everyone wears one. MollyBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64762468848699072582013-06-27T16:40:58.173-04:002013-06-27T16:40:58.173-04:00No. I like the idea and the voice but 'was try...No. I like the idea and the voice but 'was trying them out' feels weak, especially compared to the strong images in the rest of the sentence. If you showed us what she was doing it would be much stronger. BTW how do you try out a watch?Trellisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1287796468732398792013-06-27T16:22:50.753-04:002013-06-27T16:22:50.753-04:00No
Too much detail in the first sentence for me.No <br />Too much detail in the first sentence for me.Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49352602811212616552013-06-27T16:05:26.018-04:002013-06-27T16:05:26.018-04:00YES - love the voice!YES - love the voice!AMaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8977890112855688052013-06-27T15:50:31.926-04:002013-06-27T15:50:31.926-04:00No. Nail polish and watches isn't enough to dr...No. Nail polish and watches isn't enough to draw me in. I don't feel any connection to the MC.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55805006597854220382013-06-27T15:45:23.567-04:002013-06-27T15:45:23.567-04:00No. You've crammed too much into this first se...No. You've crammed too much into this first sentence. The first part would be more effective if you said, "Clara tried them out- the watch and the blue nail polish." Avoid gerunds (ing words) whenever you can. :)Swirl and Sparknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32760358876666113142013-06-27T14:12:09.052-04:002013-06-27T14:12:09.052-04:00No. it doesn't give me enough of a connection ...No. it doesn't give me enough of a connection with the character or curious enough about her to keep reading. She's wearing a watch and blue nail polish and feeling Parisian. So what? Sorry.justJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29498316236171028312013-06-27T14:10:21.132-04:002013-06-27T14:10:21.132-04:00No.
Felt like this could have been broken down in...No.<br /><br />Felt like this could have been broken down into more sentences. Seems like quite a few authors here tried to combine things to fit the "one-line" rule ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76061388081740156612013-06-27T13:59:37.975-04:002013-06-27T13:59:37.975-04:00No, too long and detailed for a middle grade.No, too long and detailed for a middle grade.Freiyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12003698244470014811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23710198397469701872013-06-27T13:49:24.503-04:002013-06-27T13:49:24.503-04:00No. Great voice but the sentence is too complex an...No. Great voice but the sentence is too complex and gets confusing.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84302374898725335132013-06-27T13:45:07.753-04:002013-06-27T13:45:07.753-04:00No. I like the details-- but I agree with those wh...No. I like the details-- but I agree with those who've said there's a bit too much crammed into one sentence.Patti Kurtzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09659519121533107736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29659427016514285362013-06-27T13:39:49.972-04:002013-06-27T13:39:49.972-04:00Yes
But, i will say it seemed a bit formal and ol...Yes<br /><br />But, i will say it seemed a bit formal and old for MG. But i liked the detailsSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59411914708382981992013-06-27T13:32:35.996-04:002013-06-27T13:32:35.996-04:00No. Doesn't grab me.No. Doesn't grab me.jdsperohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16664727014171959065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27109506048770745422013-06-27T13:32:19.150-04:002013-06-27T13:32:19.150-04:00No, the voice for this feels much, much younger th...No, the voice for this feels much, much younger than twelve. More chapterbook than MG, I guess.Vicorvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01403847061872136521noreply@blogger.com