tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post348348388443142081..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #38Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53352196075605667352010-09-24T09:13:29.620-04:002010-09-24T09:13:29.620-04:00Not quite hooked.
Definitely give a good feel of ...Not quite hooked.<br /><br />Definitely give a good feel of sci-fi immediately with the mention of all the tech, almost a Shadowrun kind of effect.<br /><br />My attention hitched on two things: 'his' in the first line - I'd recommend always using the character's name in the first instance you refer to him, and all the stuff he did for Toulene could be revealed on the fly rather than in the one statement to keep the pacing going.<br /><br />I'd read on another page to decide if I was really hooked or not.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51771897105901095142010-09-24T00:26:53.742-04:002010-09-24T00:26:53.742-04:00I love the opening, but I got stuck on "his&q...I love the opening, but I got stuck on "his" - it would work better to get his name right there. (Then you can cut the "thought Marlowe" in the third paragraph since it pulls readers out of the tight narrative).<br /><br />Toulene's dialogue feels like info dumping. Would the bad guy really explain all that? (I also thought she was a guy at first).<br /><br />Tighten the pace - keep it fast. I would get rid of the "winsome smile" sentence, the subsequent dialogue implies it anyway. And lose the -ly adverbs they don't add anything. <br /><br />I was following okay in the beginning but that last paragraph feels confusing. The introduction of Teddy, a low light implant, and something about recognizing his face all come very fast and are very new. I'd keep reading but I'd expect to figure out what was going on soon.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33829182640323047202010-09-23T00:16:04.467-04:002010-09-23T00:16:04.467-04:00I like the idea of a SF noir mix...
I really loved...I like the idea of a SF noir mix...<br />I really loved the first line, but maybe would say Marlowe instead of his, just a knit pick.<br /><br />I'd keep reading for the voice and the concept.angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28113192655652609342010-09-22T19:32:46.895-04:002010-09-22T19:32:46.895-04:00Loved the opening line, though I would just go for...Loved the opening line, though I would just go for the "was" instead of "should have been" - or maybe "Usually, the sting of acid rain was hard to ignore, but the gun..." - something like that. I also felt that Marlowe would feel a touch of something with the gun in his face. I love all the references to the acid rain, and the way you work them in so casually - showing us that it's a part of their world that is so normal for them it's easily incorporated into everyday conversation. <br />I'd most certainly read on.Blodwynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5216128278465982752010-09-22T18:58:56.729-04:002010-09-22T18:58:56.729-04:00Confused on first read-through. I only got that it...Confused on first read-through. I only got that it must be set in the future. Second re-through it was clear. Loved your character's voice... somewhat world-weary... "I've seen it all" attitude. Very nicely done. Would re-think his name... unless you want to overtly reference the great literary gumshoe.Would definitely keep reading.guineverenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14203266891768271552010-09-22T18:28:32.135-04:002010-09-22T18:28:32.135-04:00This has a great noir feel, and I love it juxtapos...This has a great noir feel, and I love it juxtaposed with the SciFi elements. I get a good sense of Marlowe's character, and your title is awesome. Nicely done. I'd keep reading.Megan Ingramnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-858352854218414372010-09-22T16:35:55.661-04:002010-09-22T16:35:55.661-04:00I'd read on.
My only comment. I didn't li...I'd read on.<br /><br />My only comment. I didn't like the wording in the first sentence... 'should have been' too passive for me.<br /><br />But a great set up. Marlowe revisited. Nice job.Joel Qnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50215626637975918402010-09-22T15:00:32.276-04:002010-09-22T15:00:32.276-04:00Loved it! The only question I had was - where are...Loved it! The only question I had was - where are they? Not what world or alternate reality are they in, but where on the street and what kind of street. I mean, she's holding a gun in his face. Wouldn't somebody notice? Maybe say the street was deserted or something. But that's really small and easy to fix. Wish I could read more!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22682645402699259532010-09-22T13:37:21.076-04:002010-09-22T13:37:21.076-04:00I would have liked a name in the first sentence so...I would have liked a name in the first sentence so I could get a better sense of whose POV I'm in.<br /><br />Tolune's (I find the name funny for personal reasons) dialogue was a bit over-the-top for me at first, but maybe that's part of the atmosphere you're creating.<br /><br />I like how you've incorporated the acid rain into your setting. The weatherman's predictions and the acid-resistant hat show us the acid rain is normal here. But if it is normal, then do people ever let their skin be exposed? I'd think they'd need more protection for their faces and would have to wear gloves.<br /><br />Who's Teddy, Marlowe's backup? Also, if there's little light, I'd like to have that detail come a little sooner.<br /><br />I'd read on.Sandra Ulbrich Almazanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15365908651235829765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60061729824538387892010-09-22T12:56:33.440-04:002010-09-22T12:56:33.440-04:00I'd read more. Not sure if starting in the mid...I'd read more. Not sure if starting in the middle of a conversation is the best idea because it can be off-putting but I love the setup.Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29904084128146842412010-09-22T12:42:51.267-04:002010-09-22T12:42:51.267-04:00Liked the opener, the ph of acid rain. Good stuff....Liked the opener, the ph of acid rain. Good stuff. I get a very strong film noir feel here despite the futuristic setting - even the name Marlowe has all kinds of film noir/hard boiled detective/pulp references that I hope you are aware of and use to your advantage.<br /><br />Would read on.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-274398098437356622010-09-22T12:08:43.117-04:002010-09-22T12:08:43.117-04:00Hooked but I have questions.
Wouldn’t Marlowe be ...Hooked but I have questions. <br />Wouldn’t Marlowe be just the teensiest bit scared? How about something to show he is alarmed?<br /><br />Except for that small thought, I would read more. BTW, is this ‘the’ Marlowe? If so, the clichés are right on point but I wonder about problems with the copyright. If it isn’t ‘The Marlowe’, then the clichés may seem trite to some people.<br /><br />Not me though. I loved it.<br />Good jobHuntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22959279986326188912010-09-22T11:40:25.574-04:002010-09-22T11:40:25.574-04:00I love an en-media-res opening when it works, and ...I love an en-media-res opening when it works, and it definitely works here! The 6.2/4.9 pH level thing worked really well, assuming this is an adult fic not a YA. Everything worked here for me. I never had to stop reading, and wanted to read more. The only thing that bugged me was the title, actually. Made me think of Nathan Bransford's book, which seems to be a vastly different book from the tone so far. Your title just doesn't seem to fit the feel of the book.<br /><br />I'd read on! Good work!<br /><br />-Kyle<br /><a href="http://goo.gl/mFsf" rel="nofollow">http://goo.gl/mFsf</a>Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.com