tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3597770204377514689..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #28 Paranormal thriller: Crossing Dark Water (BAKER'S DOZEN AGENT AUCTION)Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41990766036063986702010-12-10T23:54:14.117-05:002010-12-10T23:54:14.117-05:00I'm hooked enough to want to know more--there&...I'm hooked enough to want to know more--there's so much possibility in fantasy to play with sanity/not-sane-really-magic.<br /><br />The header doesn't say anything about this being YA, so it makes me wonder why we're starting in high school. Do we jump forward in time at some point to their 20s? <br /><br />I would like to get a better sense of place and character--specific details that make the setting non-generic, a little bit more of what's going on inside Haley's head. But that might happen on the next page. Sometimes it's a matter of not starting in the right place. <br /><br />But I do like how we start with immediate conflict, get immediately to the problem that will be an inciting incident for the story (if she's nuts in this scene, it's probably the reason she got put away), and so forth. The scene is establishing several good things--it just needs punching up.<br /><br />BTW, it is a *tiny* bit weird to refer to a group of doctors as a "cartel," but it does get the message across that they're not the good guys. I'm not sure what being a Jeep lover has to do with the plot, and how her risking her sanity will figure in, and if this were a query letter, I'd want to know specifics. A log line can use specific details while still being quite short, too.Stacy Whitmanhttp://www.stacylwhitman.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55652564503501073012010-12-08T20:14:42.657-05:002010-12-08T20:14:42.657-05:00I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commente...I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my entry. Great suggestions, especially about the word 'gawked'. I've changed that to 'huddled around' her. <br /><br />Also thank you to the agents who bid on my entry and to all the other agents--and Stacy Whitman. I've learned a ton not only from recieving comments, but from reading the other entries as well. You guys are the best!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50349428494406329782010-12-08T08:14:23.365-05:002010-12-08T08:14:23.365-05:00BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED!BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED!Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53632912791160381902010-12-07T10:44:14.670-05:002010-12-07T10:44:14.670-05:00I bid 40.
Kate McKean
Howard Morhaim Literary Agen...I bid 40.<br />Kate McKean<br />Howard Morhaim Literary AgencyUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00657590686078481465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67884700393673762072010-12-07T10:30:31.581-05:002010-12-07T10:30:31.581-05:00I bid 30.
Josh Getzler. R&VI bid 30.<br /><br />Josh Getzler. R&VUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03091297843132196024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79009331518581907312010-12-07T09:10:00.134-05:002010-12-07T09:10:00.134-05:00I bid to read the first 25 pages.
Kate McKean
Howa...I bid to read the first 25 pages.<br />Kate McKean<br />Howard Morhaim Literary AgencyUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00657590686078481465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55667890531379694392010-12-07T03:17:19.516-05:002010-12-07T03:17:19.516-05:00I'd keep reading. Nice job.I'd keep reading. Nice job.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47077474432037889102010-12-06T15:52:33.125-05:002010-12-06T15:52:33.125-05:00I'll leave out the part of my comments that wo...I'll leave out the part of my comments that would just echo critiques made above.<br /><br />I, too, love the idea of pairing mental hospitals and the paranormal, and particularly appreciate that you seem to be moving in a direction that isn't the traditional vampire/werewolf/mythical beast angle. The idea of "normal" sisters fighting against enemies who perform magic but are, at their core, humans is interesting and something I think your audience can relate to. <br /><br />The voice was nice, and I liked the choice of names. Sierra and Leah are unique enough to be memorable but not so strange as to distract a reader from the story.<br /><br />I'd read on.Susan Shttp://www.susanspann.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17509947531815578352010-12-05T14:59:39.380-05:002010-12-05T14:59:39.380-05:00Logline:
Interesting, if a little vague.
Line com...Logline:<br />Interesting, if a little vague.<br /><br />Line comments:<br />-I find it a bit of a stretch that she's conked out, drooling, and spouting nonsense and no one notices but her sister--especially if they're all gawking. If you made a comment that Haley notices because she knows her sister better or something else, it would be more believable.<br /><br />Overall:<br />And interesting premise, and nicely written.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88211768128236949422010-12-05T10:50:44.779-05:002010-12-05T10:50:44.779-05:00I like this a lot. The logline is perfect and the ...I like this a lot. The logline is perfect and the excerpt fun to read. I'd definitely read more. One thing I kept thinking about though: is it absolutely necessary that the sisters are twins? There seem to be many stories with twins as of late. (see next entry for example)Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87921134877926230742010-12-05T09:47:26.698-05:002010-12-05T09:47:26.698-05:00Fun excerpt! Nice voice and great tension.
The on...Fun excerpt! Nice voice and great tension.<br /><br />The only thing I that stuck out was the end of the first paragraph...the "I would have assumed" sentence. Perhaps the other kids would assume, but not your MC. Especially since her next line is "Again."<br /><br />Solid writing. Good luck!Mbkaleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37532178480940649802010-12-04T22:00:40.166-05:002010-12-04T22:00:40.166-05:00This is fabulous! The YA market could use a great ...This is fabulous! The YA market could use a great paranormal thriller, and your plot is unique and has the added bonus of being about two sisters, not a romance... though a romantic subplot wouldn't be bad... :)<br />And your writing is solid to boot! <br /><br />Oh, and because I should give some constructive criticism:<br />- "Squealed excitedly" is a bit redundant.<br />- In par 6, Haley rushes toward the desk, and then in par 10, she slips past Leah to get to Sierra. Was Leah blocking her unintentionally? Be a little clearer with the action. And the dialogue in between negates the urgency of her rushing/removes some tension for me.<br /><br />I'd request the full. Good luck!Donna Gambalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00317767593205769881noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32792133336249099212010-12-04T19:36:25.720-05:002010-12-04T19:36:25.720-05:00Great voice. Totally hooked.Great voice. Totally hooked.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31560129190540731372010-12-04T19:28:42.696-05:002010-12-04T19:28:42.696-05:00Great log line! Concise, and tells me everything.
...Great log line! Concise, and tells me everything.<br /><br />The excerpt let's me know something's off with Sierra, something Haley is familiar with. I loved how they're all volunteering other people to help with the prom. Typically teen.<br /><br />And add a hyphen between substance free.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57121829233047913602010-12-04T18:36:07.996-05:002010-12-04T18:36:07.996-05:00Solid logline.
You need a semi-colon after "...Solid logline.<br /><br />You need a semi-colon after "impossible". Otherwise, the only thing I had a problem with was the "gawking". This implies they already think she's crazy but their comments don't sound like they have a clue.Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16043703325740357572010-12-04T14:52:39.102-05:002010-12-04T14:52:39.102-05:00I love this! I was excited when I saw your tagline...I love this! I was excited when I saw your tagline up for your critique last month and your first page totally lives up to it. I predict a full request in your future.<br /><br />Good luck!!!Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-825077677301044492010-12-04T09:37:08.699-05:002010-12-04T09:37:08.699-05:00Sweet idea, I've never heard of pairing magic ...Sweet idea, I've never heard of pairing magic with mental hospitals. It sounds like a creepy-but-exciting story basis.<br /><br />I bet you get a bid. Way to go!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com