tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post364846470156927949..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #2Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25157262776510463882013-05-20T13:21:13.492-04:002013-05-20T13:21:13.492-04:00This feels a bit overwritten at the moment. You...This feels a bit overwritten at the moment. You're telling us too much of what's going through Ellie's head without giving us a chance to know who she is. We can know that she's upset, and that this is distracting her, but let us discover the reasons behind it--we don't need to know exactly why right away.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84941261803977024062013-05-19T16:41:13.473-04:002013-05-19T16:41:13.473-04:00Yeah, this is a little fast paced. I think you nee...Yeah, this is a little fast paced. I think you need to flesh out ellie's emotions a little more.<br /><br />Good luck!Shanika L. Bynumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18212374073199005198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1569588638115849272013-05-19T09:22:45.089-04:002013-05-19T09:22:45.089-04:00This is an interesting set-up, with personality an...This is an interesting set-up, with personality and setting thrown early--her dad doesn't seem like the greatest guy, Ellie likes to escape, Ellie notices the people around her.<br /><br />Being that this was categorized as Fantastical, I can't tell if the floating is real or imaginary. I assumed it was real, and immediately, the first two sentences reminded me of E.T. (Ellie, Elliot, floating on a bike). I'm certain that's not what you were going for, and maybe it's just my crazy thoughts.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15545937353290259259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6723633535059577452013-05-16T16:06:08.258-04:002013-05-16T16:06:08.258-04:00The first sentence threw me ... I first thought El...The first sentence threw me ... I first thought Ellie was dreaming. Then you put in the part about her father's mood and I got lost. Feels too random. I'm not really caring about Ellie yet. If you had started with the beginnig of the 3rd paragraph, of Ellie seeking the feel of gravity while riding her bike, I think it would make me a bit more attached to her to want to read on. Good Luck!Oslonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27611096105837750852013-05-16T06:59:21.747-04:002013-05-16T06:59:21.747-04:00The writing voice feels perfect for the targeted a...The writing voice feels perfect for the targeted age. What I would work on is "showing" instead of "telling" - give me a scene with Ellie and her father fighting, then the escape on the bike has purpose. Or if you want to start at the bike ride - which is a great scene - then focus more on the purpose. Is the toy a toy?She can't know this right away - it's just an unnamed object so far.J D Wayenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31999031315822717792013-05-15T19:42:33.096-04:002013-05-15T19:42:33.096-04:00I like this. I can put myself in Ellie's head...I like this. I can put myself in Ellie's head. There IS a lot of interesting stuff going on here and it feels frantic--which is how I feel when I'm riding a bike! Maybe it's just because I like your writing style, but I want to stay with it and find out what the toy is all about. Evie-Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17545577336977750545noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60043395551215017132013-05-15T15:46:49.519-04:002013-05-15T15:46:49.519-04:00Ellie seems too much in a rush in her thoughts, pa...Ellie seems too much in a rush in her thoughts, past whatever her dad was upset with, Junior (I was expecting her to stop) and then all of a sudden she spots a toy and it stops her. <br /><br />From the last paragraph (the subject of which may be a good start for the opening -- why she's biking, the feeling she's after, and then her father?), I gather she is trying to escape something on her morning bike ride, and so I'm surprised she gets waylaid by a toy amidst gum wrappers. The signing man is interesting as is Junior. <br /><br />I think you have an interesting character here, but there's too much happening too fast for me. (The two references to her father, one which implied he was someone to get away from, and the other which implied he was helpful teaching her, gave me two different impressions, too, in a short amount of space.) <br /><br />I also like that she is klutzy today, which is somehow different. That, and the feeling she's after, the fact that this is a routine of hers, seems a great basis for beginning the story, but I would slow it down and tighten it up ta bit. <br /><br />The floating image I think is figurative, right? If not, then how is she risking hurting herself. If she's riding fast past Junior and the Signing Man, how can she the swirl of steam? Is it the feeling of gravity she's after, or the feeling of defying it? Just little things, but they stopped me a bit.<br /><br />Lots of interesting stuff going on here!Pamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39755164550640502702013-05-15T13:23:26.890-04:002013-05-15T13:23:26.890-04:00Good description of sqeezing between the telephone...Good description of sqeezing between the telephone pole and the brick. I could see it in my mind. If she is able to float on her bike why is she worried about the curb? Can't she just float higher? A few of the see sentences didn't flow smoothly but other than that, good job.Ricknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56597169269542557182013-05-15T11:38:59.271-04:002013-05-15T11:38:59.271-04:00This seems cute, but I don't think I'd rea...This seems cute, but I don't think I'd read on because it feels a little disjointed. The first couple paragraphs of the scene feel kind of random. I'm not sure what her father being in a "mood" has to do with anything or what's going on with Junior and the Signing Man. It seems like the story really starts when she sees this toy, so I'd cut right to that, because what happens before it isn't all that gripping. I think it's not gripping because it doesn't have to do with Ellie's goal in this scene - what's she trying to do right now? Let off steam? Why? If it has to do with her dad, then I want that to be fleshed out more so I understand her motivation right now. As is, what she's doing seems kind of random, so I'm not pulled in. I hope this makes sense, but that's my gut. Good luck with this, though!Chris Vhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00628682876855958199noreply@blogger.com