tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3700195410483438977..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Secret Agent #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29162678692969427172016-08-13T15:38:46.693-04:002016-08-13T15:38:46.693-04:00I wouldn't repeat the word "nightmares&qu...I wouldn't repeat the word "nightmares" twice in the first sentence - find a different way to word that. I also would be careful starting your novel with a dream/nightmare sequence - it's done so often that it has to be handled expertly for an agent to want to read on. Consider cutting the first paragraph. I would be much more intrigued if this started with "Every line of her body was solid"<br /><br />I'm intrigued that you talk about nightmares but then you seem to refer to them as people - and that the thing in the main characters bed seems real, I'd want to know more about who these characters are and if different ones visit her every night.<br /><br />I'm missing some description of your main character - right now I'm just assuming it's a "she" but by the time I get to the end I'm not sure and maybe it is a "he"? Drop us a line here and let us know something more about your main character<br /><br />You have some really nice sentences here like "Nose-to-nose, she smelled like rain, and water dripped off her hair onto my sternum." All in all the writing is really solid and I'm curious to read on. Just lose the first paragraph.<br /><br />Thanks for entering!<br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9414920186878147322016-08-11T20:38:59.266-04:002016-08-11T20:38:59.266-04:00I like the repetition in your writing--it works! F...I like the repetition in your writing--it works! For example, I liked this one: Folks like Will’s father or my old neighbor or the person who cut Paige’s face. But this nightmare looked real, like they all do.<br />What else? I also liked the main character's admission of guilt (I secretly loved every time she came). However, the last paragraph went too quickly and was a bit confusing. I say, tighten it up. You've got a good story brewing.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15602431266663774619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79419105010218510132016-08-11T15:28:27.916-04:002016-08-11T15:28:27.916-04:00I agree with the changing of the first line. This...I agree with the changing of the first line. This whole piece is great though. My only suggestion is that your genre doesn't quite tell the story. Perhaps Dark Fantasy? Horror?<br /><br />Sounds pretty darn creepy. Yeesh.Ely Azurehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14957712499320725520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40846516327168508042016-08-11T15:12:10.306-04:002016-08-11T15:12:10.306-04:00Ooh...this is interesting! I like the setup and it...Ooh...this is interesting! I like the setup and it immediately draws me into the MC. My only small suggestion is to get a better first line. It's good but conveys more grit instead of bravado, which is what I think you were going for. Hope this helps. Good Luck!!Utsavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03433651206976393579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80372250725390281262016-08-10T22:40:45.727-04:002016-08-10T22:40:45.727-04:00This was so creepy and I really loved your descrip...This was so creepy and I really loved your description, it painted such a vivid picture that made me want to scream too. The last few lines felt a little jarring to me though. I think with a bit of rewording, it would flow smoother. <br />Maybe something like this: 'My mother burst into my bedroom on cue, as if she’d been anticipating another one of my midnight episodes. As much as I wanted to tell her that I was fine now—that I understood my diagnosis—I secretly loved that every time she came, the hypnopompic hallucinations disappeared. They were a paralyzing side effect of my narcolepsy that happened between sleep and wakefulness, and lasted anywhere from a few seconds to a minute.'<br />I would keep reading!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12998828343763880921noreply@blogger.com