tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3789834249214530954..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 18Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47619479533983161462008-12-07T15:25:00.000-05:002008-12-07T15:25:00.000-05:00Thanks everyone. This is a work in progress and i...Thanks everyone. This is a work in progress and in rough draft and I wanted so good suggestions on how to fix it up. I appreciate all feedback on how to rewrite this into a stronger opening.Ardythhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15379643762791779892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79863852259547843472008-12-05T11:50:00.000-05:002008-12-05T11:50:00.000-05:00Average Grade LevelAverage Readability Level: 6.02...Average Grade Level<BR/>Average Readability Level: 6.02<BR/>Average of grade levels scores that follow.<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Specific Scores<BR/>Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 82.9<BR/>Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.<BR/><BR/>Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 6.7<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 8<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 6.9<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8<BR/>Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.<BR/><BR/>Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 6.7<BR/><BR/>Too complicated, simplifyJulie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10725993617811710842008-12-04T21:36:00.000-05:002008-12-04T21:36:00.000-05:00I like this prim, proper, quiet little opening, an...I like this prim, proper, quiet little opening, and I can see that nun quite vividly. (At least, I'm assuming she's a nun. Sounds like a nun. Maybe if she were brandishing a ruler I'd know for sure.... ;-) )<BR/><BR/>I agree with Wulf about tidying up the prose just a tad, and I like his suggestion of using a more conversational tone. Present tense lends itself to that sort of voice. :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17475350733253701502008-12-04T19:01:00.000-05:002008-12-04T19:01:00.000-05:00Not a fan of first person voice, nor of not knowin...Not a fan of first person voice, nor of not knowing who the narrator is. There's also no real discernable tension/action happening here. So, no, I'm not really hooked.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41241396222286669212008-12-04T15:50:00.000-05:002008-12-04T15:50:00.000-05:00Sister Agnes intrigues me. Perhaps "...the r...Sister Agnes intrigues me. <BR/><BR/>Perhaps "...the room goes silent. No one can...."<BR/><BR/>Beyond using "quiet" twice so close together, it's always good if you can avoid loading up on adverbs(e.g. down & swiftly).<BR/><BR/>I'm okay with the present tense, if it's done well and consistently, and there seems to be a valid reason for it.Jeanne Estridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13096521122802823385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38324914995620662782008-12-04T11:11:00.000-05:002008-12-04T11:11:00.000-05:00Nothing stands out to hook me.Nothing stands out to hook me.feywriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17224558691840388691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10541808164859481812008-12-04T10:25:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:25:00.000-05:00“Quiet” is used twice in the same sentence. I’m re...“Quiet” is used twice in the same sentence. I’m really not fond of present tense. Not hooked. SorryAnette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34885315612247913282008-12-03T22:37:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:37:00.000-05:00I like it, as is. I get the picture, true and clea...I like it, as is. I get the picture, true and clear. As the reader, I think I know who Sister Agnes is, the sort of person she is. The scene is set.Opinionatorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11546456650917079216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74067252621166049862008-12-03T22:14:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:14:00.000-05:00Hmm...I'm interested. I'd read on.Hmm...I'm interested. I'd read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43339606080244417622008-12-03T20:46:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:46:00.000-05:00Don't need to repeat her name at the end, since sh...Don't need to repeat her name at the end, since she's the only person actually mentioned by name. <BR/><BR/>'as she can' = better.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure. I'd see where you're going with this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82816897098499544502008-12-03T20:24:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:24:00.000-05:00I like this. It's a quiet beginning, but provides...I like this. It's a quiet beginning, but provides a lot of details about Sister Agnes. I'd read on but would hope to find some conflict or action immediately though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79366821300300798612008-12-03T19:55:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:55:00.000-05:00Very good. Is it an orphanage? I'd want to read on...Very good. Is it an orphanage? I'd want to read on to find out what's going on. I think the first sentence needs a little reworking to read smoother.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62087188617638434392008-12-03T19:34:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:34:00.000-05:00I suppose I'm biased. :P I guess if I was reading ...I suppose I'm biased. :P I guess if I was reading this as a normal reader, I'm a bit torn--I like it for the curiosity of who Anges is (and the hope she's a killer nun %-) bwha ha ha) but I'd probably glance down a few more paragraphs to see if it'd hook me.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78982099655027202752008-12-03T14:07:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:07:00.000-05:00It reads a bit rough, like the voice is struggling...It reads a bit rough, like the voice is struggling to emerge. <BR/><BR/>Imo, you can conquer this by writing it more like you would say it to a friend. For instance, I might say:<BR/><BR/>"Sister Agnes walks up front, smooths the creases in her dark blue suit, and the room goes so silent you could hear a pin drop."<BR/><BR/>I'm sure you'll word it even more gooder :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24301637249038431762008-12-03T13:09:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:09:00.000-05:00"dark blue suit" shouldn't be followed so closely ..."dark blue suit" shouldn't be followed so closely by "iron gray hair"-the rhythm is off. I'm not sure I like being told Sister Agnes can quiet a class faster than anyone else...maybe there's another way to show this?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com