tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3894505176406171683..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #7 1000 WordsAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68102103634052558632009-03-28T01:44:00.000-04:002009-03-28T01:44:00.000-04:00Not my genre, but here goes. First, you start out ...Not my genre, but here goes. First, you start out with a clear cut case of adjectivitis: imported silk comforter, fabulously wrapped, thin string (string is by definition thin) and many, many more. But to be honest, you settle out of it rather quickly, and your writing becomes stronger when you do.<BR/><BR/>I don't get a sense of stakes here. The closest I got was the letter from an old love. I thought she might be compelled to do something, but no. Instead, the letter goes back in the pocket and we go into a droll conversation with Mom that doesn't seem to move the story at all. It kills your momentum. Where does the actual story start? If I were shopping at the bookstore and picked this up, I would have put it down during the coversation with Mom. By that time I realized we're not going anywhere soon.<BR/><BR/>Another thing to look at is the introduction of back-story when she's looking at the letter. It pulls the reader out of the story soon after it starts. Just when it felt like we going somewhere, we are back in past getting things explained to us. The reader doesn't need to know everything right away. We like to find the clues and figure it out ourselves. All you need is her reading the boy's name, the timid way she approaches the letter, her hestiation at opening it. We would know there was something there. It would have been enough to draw the reader in and have them looking forward to the finding out about her past with this boy sprinkled throughout the story.<BR/><BR/>Your have given your protagonist a strong voice, and that takes talent. You also brought me closer to the character as a reader, as if I'm watching over her shoulder. You need to do as good a job with Mom. She reads a little flat and sterotypic (June Cleaverish). If the daughter is sassy and a character, the apple probably didn't fall far from the tree. Mom should be just as memorable.<BR/><BR/>Good luck, and good writing,<BR/><BR/>-CravenCravenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430626765231636800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19686618092626395172009-03-27T21:06:00.000-04:002009-03-27T21:06:00.000-04:00Not my genre, but here goes. First, you start out ...Not my genre, but here goes. First, you start out with a clear cut case of adjectivitis: imported silk comforter, fabulously wrapped, thin string (string is by definition thin) and many many more. But to be honest, you settle out of it rather quickly, and your writing becomes stronger.<BR/><BR/>I don't get a sense of stakes here. The closest I got was the letter from an old love. I thought she might be compelled to do something, but no. Instead, the letter goes back in the pocket and we go into a droll conversation with Mom that doesn't seem to move the story at all. It kills your momentum. Where does the actual story start? If I were choosing at the bookstore and picked this up, I would have put it down during the coversation with Mom. By that time I realized we're not going anywhere soon.<BR/><BR/>Another thing to look at is the back story when she's looking at the letter. It pulls the reader out of the story during your introductory paragraphs. Just when it felt like we going somewhere, we are back in past getting things explained to us. The reader doesn't need to know everything right away. We like to find the clues and figure it out ourselves. All you need is her reading the boy's name, the timid way she approaches the letter, her hestiation at opening it. We would know there was something there. It would have been enough to draw the reader in and have them looking forward to the clues about her past with this boy sprinkled in along the way.<BR/><BR/>Your have giveen your protagonist a strong voice, and that's a great talent. You also brought me as a reader close to the character, as if I'm watching over her shoulder. You need to do as good a job with Mom. She reads a little flat and sterotypic (June Cleaverish). If daughter is sassy and a character, the apple probably didn't fall far from the tree. Mom should be just as memorable.<BR/><BR/>Good luck, and good writing,<BR/><BR/>-CravenMark Souzahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12919102445924866826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49572016337258561502009-03-26T13:24:00.000-04:002009-03-26T13:24:00.000-04:00Definately want to read more. And the hook of what...Definately want to read more. And the hook of what's in the letter obviously worked from all the other comments I've read. <BR/><BR/>I would have to agree start with the small brown envelope sticking out amongst the pile of lavishness. It starts the hook right off the bat. I love the flashback! So sweet. And I actually liked the conversation with her mom about the exgirlfriends. I hope that she gets back to the letter pretty fast after that because you really shouldn't push it out much further than that. :D <BR/><BR/>Good job!Christinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02200238579836754155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58534990326786114562009-03-25T22:22:00.000-04:002009-03-25T22:22:00.000-04:00I'd echo Vicki's comments. I thought this was hig...I'd echo Vicki's comments. I thought this was high school graduation at first - the mc sounded far too young. Some good lines - "...I-need-to-find-a-husband sorority" was great. And I'm puzzled by the Middle Eastern diplomats business. Also, would Adam's note be in with her gifts? That didn't make sense to me.<BR/><BR/>If this were tightened I could be hooked - curious about the letter.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51773148289809986372009-03-25T21:06:00.000-04:002009-03-25T21:06:00.000-04:00Though I like Amy's voice here, there's nothing ha...Though I like Amy's voice here, there's nothing happening in this section. She graduated from college, got presents, and her brother's out on a date. There's no conflict or tension, and we don't know enough about either Adam or Amy to really care about that letter yet.<BR/><BR/>Which brings me to the fact that half of this 1,000 word section is all backstory and infodumping. If we really need those details to understand the story (which I don't think we do), then the story should probably start there. I'd recommend cutting the whole high school/Adam flashback to no more than two or three lines.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46008390948781593912009-03-25T20:02:00.000-04:002009-03-25T20:02:00.000-04:00The letter is a great hook, but I agree with other...The letter is a great hook, but I agree with others that the info-dump backstory is too much. <BR/><BR/>Not really my genre either, but I thought you did well with it.HWPettyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16804994434371563478noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70937653178811810112009-03-25T17:45:00.000-04:002009-03-25T17:45:00.000-04:00Generally liked the writing but kept coming-out-of...Generally liked the writing but kept coming-out-of-story Eg. grad presents from Royalty and diplomats and has finished her degree so I expected a worldlier, wiser woman than I'm hearing here. <BR/><BR/>Adam is described as nerdy which I think of as a Bill Gates type but later he's wearing trendy glasses and into indie punk music with a jock's buffed body. <BR/><BR/>Genre discrepancy, maybe? <BR/>'Sex in the city' has 30yo+ womens stories and considered chick lit, so I'd expect womens fiction to feature stuff older women relate to eg. widow, divorced, single mums, even facing cancer etc. <BR/><BR/>Think there's too much backstory (ie doesn't matter one way or the other right now, brothers love life and detailed recall of high school sex) at the expense of keeping the reader engaged by staying with the teaser/hook ie -mail from Adam tossed into the presents pile for some reason.<BR/>I'd have liked some deep POV here to explain why she was ecpecting it if he's interstate and they lost touch years ago etc. Also why all those years on campus with thousands of boys hasn't resulted in another, more adult, relationship in her life.<BR/>Something to let me know Amy better and relate to her.<BR/>Only needs little tweaks. <BR/>Hope that helps.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11889886783924859325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32243191392404594082009-03-25T17:02:00.000-04:002009-03-25T17:02:00.000-04:00I agree with the others that the first few paragra...I agree with the others that the first few paragraphs don't really begin the story, other than to establish she's wealthy and has connections. The "imported silk comforter" jolted me right in the first line.<BR/><BR/>The brown envelope really begins the story, and that's what piqued my curiosity. I want to keep reading, just to find out what he said.<BR/><BR/>I like most of the description of Adam, but like another commenter said, you may want to break it up more. If you let it end after the "Naive, I'd imagined us together forever" line, that's a great teaser to make readers keep on going to find out why they broke apart, and what's in the envelope.<BR/><BR/>Great voice. I'd keep reading to find out what happens.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90213913876069595502009-03-25T16:35:00.000-04:002009-03-25T16:35:00.000-04:00I liked it, but I am definitely no author. I am h...I liked it, but I am definitely no author. I am however, wondering what the letter said? You go girl! I'm very proud of you, LisaLisa Sampleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05616893682781941068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58782095257064587612009-03-25T16:30:00.000-04:002009-03-25T16:30:00.000-04:00I like the voice and I would definitely keep readi...I like the voice and I would definitely keep reading.<BR/><BR/>The only part that threw me were some of the descriptions of Adam. Is he nerdy in the bookish way? That's where my mind went, until I got to the part about leading the punk rock lifestyle in the East. Then I didn't really know what to make of him.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4961253994806529872009-03-25T15:52:00.000-04:002009-03-25T15:52:00.000-04:00First of all, my name is Amy Sue, so when I read '...First of all, my name is Amy Sue, so when I read 'Amy See' my heart jumped. So funny! <BR/><BR/>I read and write women's fiction, as well as personal essays geared toward women. My main suggestion is to eliminate the set up or make it much shorter. You need a much stronger lead sentence -- and you could have the reader wondering about that letter right away. The fourth graf is the way to start, imo, just rewriting it a bit with more action. And, I'd think she would first look at the return address which is what would make her run her hand over the writing, unless the handwriting is familiar. <BR/><BR/>Flashbacks right off the bat don't always work, so you might want to try staying the present and having her open the envelope. I know she's remembering in the present, but it's still backstory. If you eliminate graf 5 and pull it into an active voice(I felt his caramel, instead I could feel; His old shirts clung) <BR/><BR/>I liked the voice except if this was a college graduation the voice seemed young to me - not that of a 22 year old educated young woman, more like a teenager. <BR/><BR/>I think this has a lot of potential though. Good luck!<BR/><BR/>And, I'm curious why she doesn't want a party more than anything else!Amy Sue Nathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13854920309673361956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66588378272308093522009-03-25T13:38:00.000-04:002009-03-25T13:38:00.000-04:00I agree with Scott. Start a graph four. I WANT TO ...I agree with Scott. Start a graph four. I WANT TO READ MORE!<BR/>:)Sarah Jensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18385403676603047861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40518431133158487552009-03-25T13:33:00.000-04:002009-03-25T13:33:00.000-04:00The info dump about Adam seemed a bit too much at ...The info dump about Adam seemed a bit too much at once. Maybe spread it out in chunks? Then the conversation with her mom lost me, especially the discussion about the brother's ex-girfriends. It totally broke the tension about the letter.<BR/><BR/>But having said that, I do want to know what's in the letter!<BR/>:)Liz T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11756311579262449791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21594233226866573802009-03-25T13:09:00.000-04:002009-03-25T13:09:00.000-04:00You seem to have a knack for finding the voice of ...You seem to have a knack for finding the voice of the main character, as that came through clearly. The writing however, seems a bit slow at first. I agree with others that the first few paragraphs are not as good as they could be. I don't know that I would like the main character, since she seems just as snobby as the mom she seems to be griping about. But maybe that's the intention? All in all (despite the fact that its not my usual genre), its good enough.Erichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07823808700523297184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85780662321571613042009-03-25T12:56:00.000-04:002009-03-25T12:56:00.000-04:00This is not my genre, but I liked the voice and I ...This is not my genre, but I liked the voice and I am curious to find out what is in the letter. I would read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74913316101622469742009-03-25T12:54:00.000-04:002009-03-25T12:54:00.000-04:00I'm not hooked, because I didn't read a reason to ...I'm not hooked, because I didn't read a reason to like your lead character. So far, she sounds a bit entitled/spoiled, and judgmental. If she's super-something, I'd want to know that upfront. That said, I thought "Delta Tri I-need-to-find-a-husband sorority," was funny!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54135523024417255892009-03-25T11:20:00.000-04:002009-03-25T11:20:00.000-04:00I just re-read it, starting with the 4th paragraph...I just re-read it, starting with the 4th paragraph as Scott suggested. That really helped, I liked it even more this time!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4690416832528380362009-03-25T10:50:00.000-04:002009-03-25T10:50:00.000-04:00Nice voice.Personal opinion here - open with the 4...Nice voice.<BR/><BR/>Personal opinion here - open with the 4th paragraph. This paragraph caught my attention more so than the first three. <BR/><BR/>I like the feeling you present of a young women (probably 21) struggling between the girl she was and the woman she will become. I sensed her reluctance to grow up, and yet I could also sense that she was no longer - totally- that young girl any longer. I also liked her - very realistic - arguing with herself about her 'relationship' with Adam. I could definitely tell it wasn't really over with . . . at least not in her mind. Good work.<BR/><BR/>SScotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06905515473737579937noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91735312185342187932009-03-25T10:10:00.000-04:002009-03-25T10:10:00.000-04:00Not my genre at all so I am definitely not your ta...Not my genre at all so I am definitely not your target audience...but I'm dying to know what's in that letter from Adam.<BR/><BR/>What a great character introduction. <BR/><BR/>I wasn't feeling the first paragraph, just seemed a little rushed and the last line read, to me at least, poorly and didn't fit in with the rest of the 1000 words. I really felt the 'innocence' of the flashback to high school.<BR/><BR/>Would definitely turn the page. <BR/><BR/><BR/>So...what was in the letter???Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com