tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3895182645926813521..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2222349379190780392017-06-02T10:38:27.987-04:002017-06-02T10:38:27.987-04:00Late to the party, but one thing stood out about t...Late to the party, but one thing stood out about this and that's the monotone sentence structure.<br /><br />You use, I think they're called "gerundive phrases" or something, a lot. "Verbing the something, subject did this." Now, there's nothing wrong with that type of sentence, but if a lot of your sentences are like that or similar to it, the text starts to drag down. Change the structure from sentence to sentence to liven up the scene. Instead of forcing a lot into one sentence with commas and subordinate clauses, use a short sentence here and there, or reduce a clause to a single adjective.<br /><br />Also, and I am guilty of this, lots of adverbs. May we both banish the adverb beast!<br /><br />The chemistry is great and I'm definitely grabbed by the context!PThttp://pernicioustit.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4855293022366231922017-05-31T21:57:44.285-04:002017-05-31T21:57:44.285-04:00Thank you everyone for your feedback! I totally m...Thank you everyone for your feedback! I totally missed that POV slip and will go back in and tighten my wording and structure. I appreciate everyone taking a look at it :) Katiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05332579230168027437noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61843413440522847722017-05-31T12:46:58.931-04:002017-05-31T12:46:58.931-04:00I could feel the sexual tension between these two,...I could feel the sexual tension between these two, so that worked for me. I did think it was overwritten. There seemed a bit of the flowery romance novel here. Perhaps cut the adverbs and turn the passive sentences into active sentences. If a sentence starts with a preposition, it's generally passive. And rephrase sentences with ing words so they become ed words. All it needs is some tightening.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50109445130928525722017-05-31T11:48:57.571-04:002017-05-31T11:48:57.571-04:00You managed to infuse this scene with a lot of hea...You managed to infuse this scene with a lot of heat without letting the characters get very physical. There is definitely chemistry between the two characters, and you leave the reader eager to get to their next kiss.<br /><br />Take a look at your sentence structure. Quite a few sentences start with an 'ing' verb phrase, and it doesn't always flow well with the rest of the sentence. "Blocking out the pounding of her heart, she'd barely started to turn..." for example. <br /><br />I would keep reading this. You left me wanting more, which is great.Kate Vnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37252269718739080412017-05-30T18:44:37.749-04:002017-05-30T18:44:37.749-04:00I liked the way Jennica and Wesley connected with ...I liked the way Jennica and Wesley connected with each other and I can sense chemistry between them, even those that you mentioned in the description above this passage that Jennica is only leading Wesley on. If I had this book in front of me, I'd be desperate to read on to find out when or if they kiss again. I'm rooting for them to get together and I only read this short passage. I agree with the comments above about how it was a little jarring to switch to Wesley's POV and I also noticed the word "forward" was repeated twice in the middle section but overall this was well done. Marie Hoy-Kennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05081382934890283766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48777816257052273022017-05-30T16:25:25.387-04:002017-05-30T16:25:25.387-04:00General writing: I think you need to tighten up th...General writing: I think you need to tighten up the PoV in the first paragraph. The line "He watched her patiently, waiting for her to direct the course of their conversation." is not her PoV so it through me off a bit. Otherwise I like your writing, I got a good sense of Jennica. She seems sharp, and like someone used to being in control.<br /><br />I liked that this was not the typical passionate kiss. It makes me want to continue reading to see who will "win" the game.Cyndi Chiehttp://www.justnorthofreality.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11063744655405011582017-05-30T15:33:43.080-04:002017-05-30T15:33:43.080-04:00I think you really hit your stride in the last 3 p...I think you really hit your stride in the last 3 paragraphs. I felt the rest was a bit disjointed.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07547808563516206931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23672279293761020812017-05-30T15:26:24.383-04:002017-05-30T15:26:24.383-04:00Amazing that you put so much heat into the smalles...Amazing that you put so much heat into the smallest gestures. I like the character development you show in the last paragraph. I'm swooning and they did not even properly kiss yet!Loretta Chefhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14614456326479128984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80107950799813112542017-05-30T12:31:07.981-04:002017-05-30T12:31:07.981-04:00In general, I like this and think there's an a...In general, I like this and think there's an appropriate amount of heat. In the first paragraph, though, there are two different points of view, which I found distracting. There's also some repetition of words/actions (eg: "strong", then heart reverberates & later pounds) and I'd like to see a bit more creativity in the word selection.<br /><br />But overall, I like the way the scene's been set. Nicely done.Gifford MacShanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15578566471446994845noreply@blogger.com