tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post3992526496045262168..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34092164254659190002013-06-29T04:14:18.707-04:002013-06-29T04:14:18.707-04:00Yes. For several reasons. I like the title and Oka...Yes. For several reasons. I like the title and Okami means "great spirit" or "wolf" in Japanese, so...already intrigued. But, that's personal. A reader would only know that if they...knew that. <br /><br />More so, I like what this sentence sets up, that Kato is in the midst of something, whether it's a trial of stillness, or a trial of concentration, or anything. He's in the middle of an action. <br /><br />I think people are confused w/ the genre. You'll have to be more specific. Even if it's adult fiction, it can still have a genre, whether it's literary fiction or historical fiction or contemporary fiction. It could even be magical realism if this book takes place in the modern world, yet "okamis" still exist. Axiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16328788402306644835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85919754766575076772013-06-28T12:12:56.602-04:002013-06-28T12:12:56.602-04:00No. With this being "just" Fiction, it d...No. With this being "just" Fiction, it doesn't hook me enough. If this were Urban Fantasy or SF/F, I would think he was in an epic battle or something, but this could be a chess match for all I know. It's not enough to compel me to read further. Sorry. Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53260382670956512612013-06-28T08:09:33.362-04:002013-06-28T08:09:33.362-04:00No. You're telling me he is refusing to show w...No. You're <b>telling</b> me he is refusing to show weakness.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65741430584652339902013-06-28T06:20:55.099-04:002013-06-28T06:20:55.099-04:00Yes, probably would go further because I am intrig...Yes, probably would go further because I am intrigued by the character's name.HEATHER LYNNE DAVIShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04324491728569039272noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49136792377867405542013-06-28T05:20:56.855-04:002013-06-28T05:20:56.855-04:00No. It doesn't feel quite right somehow - a bi...No. It doesn't feel quite right somehow - a bit too slow round "and he did not wipe them away". Maybe it would work better as two sentences instead, but I can't quite put my finger on it just now.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37769454751061129372013-06-27T22:59:12.636-04:002013-06-27T22:59:12.636-04:00No. I feel like I'm being set up with a charac...No. I feel like I'm being set up with a character that's been done before but you're not giving a hint if yours is different or not. Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70106744891808195032013-06-27T22:36:53.988-04:002013-06-27T22:36:53.988-04:00Qualified yes. The next sentence would make or bre...Qualified yes. The next sentence would make or break my interest. Tony Acreehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10645967310766453710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54412452490258911462013-06-27T21:45:47.526-04:002013-06-27T21:45:47.526-04:00No. BUT I think Leigh Michael has a great idea abo...No. BUT I think Leigh Michael has a great idea about shortening & tightening it to "Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes, but he refused to wipe them away." The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48833397259601695102013-06-27T18:11:23.105-04:002013-06-27T18:11:23.105-04:00Yes - would read on but would have to grab me in n...Yes - would read on but would have to grab me in next couple of sentences. KTnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49137720212259034122013-06-27T17:11:25.840-04:002013-06-27T17:11:25.840-04:00Not yet, but you're close. Maybe I need to kno...Not yet, but you're close. Maybe I need to know what or who he's facing and why his actions will be read as fear.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44456327676462794402013-06-27T16:54:20.366-04:002013-06-27T16:54:20.366-04:00No. A man is sweating, which isn't compelling,...No. A man is sweating, which isn't compelling, and why would wiping the sweat away imply weakness? Perhaps instead, show us what's making him sweat. Or show us the danger he's in. Or if he's captive, maybe show us where he's being held. Gives us something more interesting than sweat.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67445409014544878432013-06-27T16:26:52.682-04:002013-06-27T16:26:52.682-04:00Yes. I like the idea, but I would rework the sente...Yes. I like the idea, but I would rework the sentence. Move his motivation first.<br /><br /> "Kato Okami refused to show any sign of weakness by wiping away the trickles of sweat that stung his eyes."<br /><br />Or maybe make it two sentences. But start w/his desire not to show weakness.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48820865382066160502013-06-27T16:06:58.135-04:002013-06-27T16:06:58.135-04:00Yes
I'm immediately wondering if he's bein...Yes<br />I'm immediately wondering if he's being tortured though I'm not sure what genre this is...I read on to see what's happening.Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28459318666757300602013-06-27T15:58:42.126-04:002013-06-27T15:58:42.126-04:00No. I feel like I've read this same kind of se...No. I feel like I've read this same kind of sentence many times before.Parkernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74659385130116887762013-06-27T15:36:34.645-04:002013-06-27T15:36:34.645-04:00No ...it just didn't grab me ...I don't kn...No ...it just didn't grab me ...I don't know how else to describe it. It was a bit long and I feel needed a bit reworking.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16949430987033019927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26707252629759483872013-06-27T15:29:59.269-04:002013-06-27T15:29:59.269-04:00No. At this point, it's simply because the sen...No. At this point, it's simply because the sentence needs reworking. Too much in one sentence. tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66555059392927081652013-06-27T14:35:56.389-04:002013-06-27T14:35:56.389-04:00Yes, IF the sentence ended as, "Trickles of s...Yes, IF the sentence ended as, "Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes and he did not wipe them away." That makes me want to read more and find out why.Michellehttp://www.gn-st.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1029425339717452232013-06-27T14:34:49.721-04:002013-06-27T14:34:49.721-04:00Hmm maybe. I think i'd move this sentence arou...Hmm maybe. I think i'd move this sentence around a bit:<br /><br />"Trickles of sweat stung Kato Okami's eyes, but he refused to wipe them away."<br /><br />I don't think you need u need to so definitely talk about this as being a sign of weakness.<br /><br />I find the tweak above more intriguing. Makes me ask why? what's going on?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48580410431617328482013-06-27T14:24:58.709-04:002013-06-27T14:24:58.709-04:00No. I don't care enough about the character a...No. I don't care enough about the character and the tension of the scene is lost on me. Sorry.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60161419155546333692013-06-27T14:22:58.455-04:002013-06-27T14:22:58.455-04:00Yes, but I agree with other comments about shorten...Yes, but I agree with other comments about shortening the sentence.Iron Angelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17260105180033694831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85094388226467689612013-06-27T14:17:50.504-04:002013-06-27T14:17:50.504-04:00No.
It's a bit wordy for what's actually...No. <br /><br />It's a bit wordy for what's actually being shown. And without any sense of what he's facing down, (surprisingly) a sweaty, stoic man just isn't enticing me.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34655943448950268612013-06-27T14:08:29.862-04:002013-06-27T14:08:29.862-04:00No. Too much info here. Also, I agree with the com...No. Too much info here. Also, I agree with the commenter who said characters w/o weakness aren't interesting. It's also long. Why trickles of sweat, and not just sweat? The alliteration of "sweat" and "stung" followed by Kato not wiping it away would create a sharper sense of conflict, mirroring his internal conflict. (At least, i would hope he's conflicted about not wanting to show weakness while being human enough to feel scared about whatever situation he's in.) You could even lose the second part of the sentence, link the first two clauses with "but," and still show Kato is determined and steadfast.<br /><br />Also, "refusing to show" is a little confusing as I don't now if he's alone or with anyone else -- to whom is he refusing to *show* weakness?<br /><br />Hope this helps.Brigid Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10890712173849209546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31192952175788398602013-06-27T13:49:39.422-04:002013-06-27T13:49:39.422-04:00No. I don't care enough about Kato to want to ...No. I don't care enough about Kato to want to keep reading. It seems like he's all tough and bold so I don't care. I want more vulnerability in my heroes when I read about them--something with which I can empathize. I can't empathize with a character who isn't weak and refuses to admit to any weakness. Know what I mean?justJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31232929443251363872013-06-27T13:45:37.807-04:002013-06-27T13:45:37.807-04:00No, this doesn't hook me. I get that he's ...No, this doesn't hook me. I get that he's in a tense situation, but on the whole I prefer stories that start with at least a small lead-in to establish character before getting into the action. Right now, I have no reason to care about Kato Okami.Vicorvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01403847061872136521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87831676949245830652013-06-27T13:37:08.921-04:002013-06-27T13:37:08.921-04:00No, doesn't really draw me in all that much.No, doesn't really draw me in all that much.Patti Kurtzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09659519121533107736noreply@blogger.com