tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4014163240980649415..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Three #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75455218207704761892013-10-23T10:23:54.345-04:002013-10-23T10:23:54.345-04:00The first sentence is good. I do not agree that yo...The first sentence is good. I do not agree that you should cut the second one although I do think you need to edit it. Tell us why clearing her name is going to be hard and do not use vague chess metaphors. Who will actually try to stop her here and how will they do it?<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37205616573482666132013-10-22T16:52:19.697-04:002013-10-22T16:52:19.697-04:00I agree with Constantine, you don't need the s...I agree with Constantine, you don't need the second sentence. Cut it.Writefully Sohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16761211073195336714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61660614224360835602013-10-22T16:16:06.264-04:002013-10-22T16:16:06.264-04:00An unusual genetic anomoly? Can you just tell us w...An unusual genetic anomoly? Can you just tell us what they share, specifically? I know she needs to clear her name, but the stakes seem vague. I agree that the second sentence doesn't feel necessary. As it reads now, I think it's missing a word.Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91752641166467528962013-10-22T13:51:51.103-04:002013-10-22T13:51:51.103-04:00It's the "vast conspiracy of powerful peo...It's the "vast conspiracy of powerful people" that seemed a little vague to me. Who are they, and why do they care about Lethe's mistaken identity?lsjohnsonhttp://traversingz.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67495290480461529822013-10-22T13:32:39.727-04:002013-10-22T13:32:39.727-04:00Leave off the second sentence. You don't need...Leave off the second sentence. You don't need it.Constantine Singerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10322361896222589816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70032989864428902912013-10-22T10:43:21.192-04:002013-10-22T10:43:21.192-04:00Sounds fun. The second sentence doesn't tell m...Sounds fun. The second sentence doesn't tell me much, though. I realize she needs to clear her name but I feel like I need to know more about what's at stake for her. Maybe a little more about what she stands to lose, otherwise it strikes me as just another mistaken identity story. writeagainnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44228256475893678882013-10-22T10:12:53.863-04:002013-10-22T10:12:53.863-04:00Great grab, but you're second sentence is conf...Great grab, but you're second sentence is confusing which reduces the impact. Add your MC's name (... Lethe discovers ...) and then you're right on target. I'd like to read this.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.com