tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4014728231111281835..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #40Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74167026333297125712011-09-24T13:54:05.040-04:002011-09-24T13:54:05.040-04:00I would definitely read on for at least a few more...I would definitely read on for at least a few more pages.<br /><br />To make things more urgent, try starting when the officer is walking to the car, have a tiny flash of opening her door to find him there on the night her parents died, and then back to the car and what she's worrying about now.<br /><br />Also, watch your POV--would Nox really notice that her tight fingers were "betraying the anxiety behind her joke?" Show us her fingers, and we'll understand the betrayal without you having to spell it out.<br /><br />Overall, interesting beginning.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18179826658783272302011-09-23T16:20:01.704-04:002011-09-23T16:20:01.704-04:00I'd read more. Great start. I want to know why...I'd read more. Great start. I want to know why the river is Styx of all rivers.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66566919548507548122011-09-21T19:05:41.741-04:002011-09-21T19:05:41.741-04:00interesting...the river styx...is this a mythology...interesting...the river styx...is this a mythology story? i like the characters' names.Heather Day Gilberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12353914883176152555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23764754054578569922011-09-21T16:52:40.594-04:002011-09-21T16:52:40.594-04:00Writing needs some smoothing out. Try reading dial...Writing needs some smoothing out. Try reading dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds natural. <br /><br />I really like the last line, it's nice and punchy.<br /><br />I like the characters' names. <br /><br />But this could have been a little more exciting or intriguing, something doesn't feel very urgent about it to me.secret agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1503507604103842462011-09-21T14:59:07.514-04:002011-09-21T14:59:07.514-04:00Interested, but agree with the above.
Also, I wou...Interested, but agree with the above.<br /><br />Also, I would change "car" to "cruiser" to make it clear the Sergeant is in his own car, not Nox's.GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18177428105357654932011-09-21T14:41:20.369-04:002011-09-21T14:41:20.369-04:00Agree with the above comment and also, the last pa...Agree with the above comment and also, the last paragraph dumps info on us. Maybe show some of this rather than telling?<br /><br />Keep revising.Carolynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55823792901256995892011-09-21T13:55:05.217-04:002011-09-21T13:55:05.217-04:00Lots to like here. Loved all the dialog.
However,...Lots to like here. Loved all the dialog.<br /><br />However, you kind of ruin the suspense by saying Memphis got pulled over all the time. I was feeling nervous along with her until then. Now I'm feeling like she's suffering from panic disorder instead. Why not let her feel the normal anxiety anyone feels when the cops pull you over? Then I'm in suspense to see what's going to happen, instead of getting bogged down in her downplaying of the situation.Jonathan 3dnoreply@blogger.com