tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4285292445034241094..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #41Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80065406273761302272011-09-24T06:44:20.299-04:002011-09-24T06:44:20.299-04:00I didn't mind the first paragraph, though I th...I didn't mind the first paragraph, though I thought it could be trimmed, but after introducing the concept of reinventing himself over summer, you have Paul off taking photos in Arizona. If the story is about his summer, I'd start with him walking out the door. If most of it is set in eighth grade, perhaps you could focus more on the idea of him reinventing himself on his walk.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88395150711130886422011-09-21T20:44:28.649-04:002011-09-21T20:44:28.649-04:00I love that he froze at the snake to take pictures...I love that he froze at the snake to take pictures instead of fear. Made me laugh.<br /><br />But I did get confused because I thought it would be the first day of school or something, and then it was just him out for a picture-taking walk.<br /><br />Sounds like a fun story, though. Best of luck!Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79874347561689516242011-09-21T19:03:01.133-04:002011-09-21T19:03:01.133-04:00i like the concept that he's trying to reinven...i like the concept that he's trying to reinvent...also like the "D&D" speech. i'd keep reading to see what he's up to next!Heather Day Gilberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12353914883176152555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73043191108429368072011-09-21T16:49:30.801-04:002011-09-21T16:49:30.801-04:00The writing needs some smoothing out; it's har...The writing needs some smoothing out; it's hard to tell sometimes what you mean because your sentences are constructed poorly.<br /><br />I like the idea of the kid wanting to reinvent himself; that's a classic trope that appeals to most kids. But this could definitely use some punching up, some interesting dialogue or setting or concept to hold our interest.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21696955515085503412011-09-21T16:11:38.730-04:002011-09-21T16:11:38.730-04:00I agree with Carolyn...put us out there with the c...I agree with Carolyn...put us out there with the critters from the get-go. I realize the opening sentences are supposed to set the stage for his conflict and what's to come, but that can be weaved in later.<br /><br />Also, as it is now, this has two parts: he's talking about school, then grabbing his pack to go take pictures. At first I thought he was heading to school. Too disconnected.<br /><br />I do like the details about photography and how Paul knows about "images."Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00953304463413984709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91475287596327042542011-09-21T14:37:25.941-04:002011-09-21T14:37:25.941-04:00I think this would be oh-so-much stronger if you s...I think this would be oh-so-much stronger if you showed him out there amongst the creatures rather than dialogue and telling.<br /><br />Keep revising...Carolynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24413863565074534842011-09-21T13:49:35.513-04:002011-09-21T13:49:35.513-04:00I like anything with Gila monsters, but I don'...I like anything with Gila monsters, but I don't know what's going on here. "Starting today" refers to what, the first day of 8th grade? The summer in Arizona? Why would taking photos constitute perfecting his new image? Why the lecture on water when he's only going outside for two hours? No snakes in North Carolina? He has to focus the camera? <br /><br />I'd like this a lot if it focused on what he saw and how dangerous the snake was. Right now I'm confused about what's going on. If it's just a kid from N.C. taking photos of the desert in Arizona, I'm probably not going to read much more.Jonathan 3dnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35936524126801345282011-09-21T13:43:54.823-04:002011-09-21T13:43:54.823-04:00Nice pacing and fun voice. There could be a few ty...Nice pacing and fun voice. There could be a few typo/grammar corrections here and there but overall I enjoyed it.<br /><br />I'd read on for a few more pages to see if the story hooked me.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.com