tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4302596777076715954..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #31Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56735980832692127902014-07-26T17:04:44.356-04:002014-07-26T17:04:44.356-04:00I’m interested in the Vulture Games and what Ellis...I’m interested in the Vulture Games and what Ellis is going through, but unfortunately, I’m not connecting very well with him in this opening. There’s quite a bit of telling about what’s going on with him; I’d rather see him in scene, doing something that will show us how he’s feeling. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34853173446379840482014-07-25T22:47:39.854-04:002014-07-25T22:47:39.854-04:00I enjoyed the underlying humor and the voice sound...I enjoyed the underlying humor and the voice sounded MG. Nice job having a sympathetic character right off the start. One nit - maybe tighten the last sentence. How about if "a normal dog" is deleted and replace with "some freakazoid." <br /><br />I'd read on. :)tlwritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60382963653758102892014-07-25T13:05:20.441-04:002014-07-25T13:05:20.441-04:00I laughed at the beginning, not gonna lie – “we ne...I laughed at the beginning, not gonna lie – “we never eat roadkill” = gold. I was a little confused at first just because I saw it was a MG Fantasy but then felt like it was taking place at a normal summer camp. If the setting is in a different world, then I’d maybe put that explanation close to the beginning. K. Stokernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74227910371007432012014-07-25T09:44:49.426-04:002014-07-25T09:44:49.426-04:00I'm not the biggest fan of songs starting a st...I'm not the biggest fan of songs starting a story. Maybe work it more into the background as we see Ellis sitting there disappointed?<br /><br />I like what we're given here, but I think I might want to see what it looks like in 1st person. I don't know how frequent 1st person is used in MG, though.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67851746173349234062014-07-24T07:57:44.440-04:002014-07-24T07:57:44.440-04:00I found this opening to be mostly telling and back...I found this opening to be mostly telling and backstory. I'd rather see an active opening to introduce me to Ellis, and then weave the backstory in later.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70752870792953682822014-07-24T01:41:04.494-04:002014-07-24T01:41:04.494-04:00Nothing in the excerpt hinted that this was fantas...Nothing in the excerpt hinted that this was fantasy, I would have liked a hint of this, even if just one sentence of something to come. But overall, the song made me laugh and I was able to connect to the MC feeling disappointed his dad wasn't there. The voice also seemed written well for MG. Way to go and good luck!P.D. Pabsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14823564043935775090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89810094973808680852014-07-23T15:32:02.718-04:002014-07-23T15:32:02.718-04:00I like the humor of this, even with the additional...I like the humor of this, even with the additional gross factor. Quite creative. <br /><br />The voice is definitely MG appropriate, as are the antics of the scouts. Made me smile.<br /><br />The only thing I found disappointing was going from 2nd grade straight to 5th. Surely the ceremonies in between these times were equally important?<br /><br />Good luck and thanks for sharing.Cordelia Dinsmorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704456269484202163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41359626965853767262014-07-23T14:53:02.611-04:002014-07-23T14:53:02.611-04:00I love this! Enjoyed it so much. The Regurgitating...I love this! Enjoyed it so much. The Regurgitating Raptor and Egg rank made me laugh. I really don't have anything to say about this -- I liked the song at the beginning (took me right to camp), and your writing is right on.<br /><br />The only nit-pick is that I think you need a comma after "Oh," as in "Oh, Philecia."<br /><br />Fun, fun stuff. I want to read the whole thing!Judy Clemenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04905294558438773987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5061209895079317932014-07-23T11:10:36.895-04:002014-07-23T11:10:36.895-04:00I liked this opening except for the Vulture song. ...I liked this opening except for the Vulture song. I would have liked to just jump into the story and have them say they sang their song. <br /><br />otherwise, I liked the tension of him not wanting to celebrate. He knows his dad isn't there and that would eat him up the whole time. I get that for a mg character.<br /><br />nice writing.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10223359712001924744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22067305947057396402014-07-23T09:31:56.626-04:002014-07-23T09:31:56.626-04:00The details about Vulture scouts are alternately f...The details about Vulture scouts are alternately funny and gross, both good things. <br /><br />Rather than mixing these elements with the sadness over Dad's absence, you might consider treating each separately. Let us have fun with the Vultures, and then show us the moment when Ellis's excitement turns to disappointment upon discovering Dad isn't watching. Zachnoreply@blogger.com