tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4395304767203349989..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: October Secret Agent #15Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20838330930761099592012-10-28T19:45:59.556-04:002012-10-28T19:45:59.556-04:00Really liked the Latin. I would keep turning the ...Really liked the Latin. I would keep turning the pages. For someone who used to own an ice cream shop, I laughed at the girls requesting six samples. In the end, we all know they will order vanilla. Nice work. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03254595113817870478noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36778477639487389552012-10-26T20:34:58.885-04:002012-10-26T20:34:58.885-04:00I don't get a sense of where this story is goi...I don't get a sense of where this story is going. I would recommend condensing your 4th paragraph, which is mostly telling, because it doesn't seem to add to the narrative. It's an aside that tells us Blair takes Latin in high school. Why is that important?<br /><br />He explains in the 4th paragraph that he has to tell people what the sign in Latin means. He demonstrates this through his exchange with the blonde. I think you only need one or the other so that it's not redundant.<br /><br />I wanted more from Blair. He reports what's happening: normal day, normal job, giggly girls, and he hands out samples of ice cream. This might be more compelling if he were a more interesting character than a normal kid with a normal job. What makes him special? What will we as readers have to look forward to in this story? Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90540792151809231212012-10-26T14:01:21.908-04:002012-10-26T14:01:21.908-04:00Ah, glad you told us about the footnote, that made...Ah, glad you told us about the footnote, that made me laugh. I like the MC's voice and the Latin, which is unusual, a lot, although I think you could edit this scene down just a touch. But I would definitely read on. The only thing I didn't like was the first line - it felt a little cliched, and does the MC really need to have two first names? It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Good luck!Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10216476467075272942012-10-24T22:54:00.954-04:002012-10-24T22:54:00.954-04:00The opening sentences feel a bit gimmicky, but the...The opening sentences feel a bit gimmicky, but the rest of the beginning is fairly solid. I'm not a fan, of the italicized thoughts, as they can usually be worked in better some other way, but otherwise I'd say it's pretty good.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16388718837080835182012-10-24T16:24:30.392-04:002012-10-24T16:24:30.392-04:00I love this opening - I think we get a strong sens...I love this opening - I think we get a strong sense of who your MC is. I love the quirky latin references and the interaction with the girls. Nicely done! I would read on. SStokeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03607391693287377280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89802919709033746432012-10-24T11:08:12.580-04:002012-10-24T11:08:12.580-04:00Oops! Looks like the footnote* got left off on th...Oops! Looks like the footnote* got left off on this. There's a footnote for that Latin that reads: "May assassins beset you in the parking lot" (and yes, I know the translation is a little rough--I'm paying a translator, but haven't gotten it done yet)G.B. Skyehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13798228862436721498noreply@blogger.com