tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post448923491080289917..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 42 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69732619088532022912009-11-17T15:26:59.845-05:002009-11-17T15:26:59.845-05:00I really liked this. Many people can relate to th...I really liked this. Many people can relate to those moments when you think you have a good idea and later realize - not so much. I liked the cat reference, but agree w/ Gigi to take out "in the car". I assume that she has had too much to drink and is about to really embarrass herself as well as Mark. I would keep reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01205798322583809402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-262244561434152602009-11-07T07:46:49.384-05:002009-11-07T07:46:49.384-05:00The awkward phrasing at the beginning lost me.
Pe...The awkward phrasing at the beginning lost me.<br /><br />Perhaps 'comprehensive' should have modified the speech and not the man. <br /><br />Similarly I was puzzled with the<br />'glasses vibrating on the table just above her knees.' line.<br /><br />I liked this line better. 'His face was blank too, just like (?as it had) the past twelve times she’d looked at him.' <br /><br />She's obviously got some connection with this Mark character<br /><br /><br />I enjoyed the cat reference too. That one made me smile.<br /><br />Finally, I'm with the folk who think that we are in for a train wreck of a speech when she gets to her feet.Cheryl Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11270513035473727341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10981325929805142772009-11-05T15:01:10.730-05:002009-11-05T15:01:10.730-05:00I'd read more, at least to find out what she&#...I'd read more, at least to find out what she's about to do, but I agree there could be some additional clean up with the scene to make it even stronger. Good luck!Valerie Gearyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165554338889917253noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16771906179778640732009-11-05T03:14:21.956-05:002009-11-05T03:14:21.956-05:00I agree with Sally. It could use a little tighteni...I agree with Sally. It could use a little tightening but I'm hooked and want to find out what the heck she's going to say. To play Devil's Advocate, I liked the 'comprehensive best man' bit - it told us he was rambling on without saying so.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13823457555332039492009-11-05T01:46:18.629-05:002009-11-05T01:46:18.629-05:00It feels like disaster is looming...something real...It feels like disaster is looming...something really embarrassing. I am not sure I am totally hooked but I do kind of want to know what the punchline is in this scene.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71958485834231986632009-11-05T01:27:45.128-05:002009-11-05T01:27:45.128-05:00I think it needs tightening but I'm hooked. I ...I think it needs tightening but I'm hooked. I want to know what she is going to say into that mic.sally https://www.blogger.com/profile/11068670473065918371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49500619696525233292009-11-05T00:08:28.799-05:002009-11-05T00:08:28.799-05:00Not really hooked, sorry. This feels like it ramb...Not really hooked, sorry. This feels like it rambles around making a point, but never gets there. There's a lot of set up for what Robyn wants to say, but she never actually does. And you kinda lost me with <i>the rather comprehensive best man finished his toast</i>.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73743089297237526632009-11-04T19:15:29.862-05:002009-11-04T19:15:29.862-05:00I like how the scene appears in layers -- first wi...I like how the scene appears in layers -- first with this odd image of a woman saying "oh!" and then metaphorical-camera-panning out to show Mark, the toast, the other wedding guests, etc. Neat effect.<br /><br />I agree with the comments about ways to tighten the prose. This felt like a wordy 250 words, but I'd read on.Harper K.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91179984432861910372009-11-04T17:51:57.591-05:002009-11-04T17:51:57.591-05:00To make this stronger you can take lines like &quo...To make this stronger you can take lines like "She decided she would stand as soon as the rather comprehensive best man finished his toast, which would give her legs time to stop trembling" and remove "she decided" because that's assumed. With a line like "She flashed him a smile, hoping to reassure him," I find it obvious why she flashes him a smile. Tightening the writing will make the action come to life.<br /><br />I'm not sure I'd continue because there is a lot of editing that needs to be done, but that's just me.<br /><br />You seemed to have hooked the others. Good luck with the SA!Amy Sue Nathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13854920309673361956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5835838614618639702009-11-04T17:34:56.721-05:002009-11-04T17:34:56.721-05:00I really liked this. You obviously know how to wri...I really liked this. You obviously know how to write/how to pace the narrative, and you've sucked me in. Hooked.S.J.Kincaidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14159000802250378161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90231048064979351492009-11-04T16:08:24.906-05:002009-11-04T16:08:24.906-05:00My cat knows where she's going ... it's th...My cat knows where she's going ... it's the only place she ever goes outside the house. :) I got the visual right away, so have to disagree with others on this.Julie Twonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39116425185986249572009-11-04T15:41:30.922-05:002009-11-04T15:41:30.922-05:00The writing could be stronger, but I'm interes...The writing could be stronger, but I'm interested to read what she has to say. And who Mark is and why does she care just a little about what he thinks. I'd take out the line about the cat in the car on the way to the vet's office. Does a cat even know where it's going? A dog maybe, since it's smarter. :) <br /><br />Maybe more details about her. Does she wipe sweaty palms against a cotton-candy pink dress best worn by preteens? Does she teeter unsteadily on dyed-to-match shoes? Just a little more...Pamela Hammondshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18267333699680840984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17768715404667923642009-11-04T14:29:52.651-05:002009-11-04T14:29:52.651-05:00What idea? I need to know what she's reacting ...What idea? I need to know what she's reacting to else I feel like I'm being teased to keep reading.<br /><br />How does she know her eyes widened? Is she looking in a mirror?<br /><br />2nd paragraph, eyes again<br /><br />finished with a flouish seems cliched<br /><br />I read that agents and editors hate colons, but I could be wrong...<br /><br />maybe delete adverbs and weak -ing verbs and replace with stronger/more active verbs: finally, holding, hoping, going, especially, standing<br /><br />Like the Mission Control bit...put in more of that and less of flashed a smile type of comments.<br /><br />How does he know what she's going to do? Can he read minds?<br /><br />Has potential, but needs tightening.Ruthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40360094253402356022009-11-04T14:25:25.795-05:002009-11-04T14:25:25.795-05:00I'd definitely read more to find out what she&...I'd definitely read more to find out what she's about to say. And who she is to the bride.<br /><br />"Comprehensive best man" sounded odd to me. Agree with Julie Two on the body language. "Mission Control in her head" seemed out of place here. Or awkward. But I want to continue reading.Joan Morahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03152990243138876941noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35945350752526833332009-11-04T14:08:44.931-05:002009-11-04T14:08:44.931-05:00I also like the story picture so far other than so...I also like the story picture so far other than some cliched body language that could be written fresher (such as "flashed him a smile" and "eyebrows raised in surprise" and "finished with a flourish"). How can you make that more interesting?<br /><br />It seems Robyn is going to make an unexpected toast, and I want to know why and what she's going to say.<br /><br />Nice job. :)Julie Twonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12447640416997623692009-11-04T13:31:08.229-05:002009-11-04T13:31:08.229-05:00Agree with Elizabeth. Love the cat image (maybe ju...Agree with Elizabeth. Love the cat image (maybe just take out the "in the car" part to make it less wordy?). Overall, though -- hooked. I am definitely curious to see what happens next!giginoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4017508473348621232009-11-04T13:07:38.751-05:002009-11-04T13:07:38.751-05:00If this were in book form, I would definitely keep...If this were in book form, I would definitely keep going. I'm pretty sure the next paragraph or two will reveal what her idea is, who Mark is, heck, who Robyn is. And I'm interested. Maybe a little work with a few unnecessary words, some slightly awkward phraseology (the cat in the car is a bit clunky, though the image is excellent; "the past twelve times" also seems like a mouthful--but these are easy).<br /><br />Overall, very good. I'd keep going, with interest.Elizabeth Lyndhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02638768950811415099noreply@blogger.com