tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post449159738241565103..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #31Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7593554449196316062014-03-07T16:53:47.587-05:002014-03-07T16:53:47.587-05:00Here's the line that hooked me: "A leprec...Here's the line that hooked me: "A leprechaun with an empty pot was an embarrassment." I suggest you start your story with that. Everything else will be read in the light of knowing he's a leprechaun and that he's lost his gold. Otherwise, the part about all that mattered going up like smoke in the chimney is more cliche than intrigue. But if I'd known he was a leprechaun . . . different story.<br /><br />That to me was the key in my response to the first 250 words. I like it much better after reaching that key line.Beckynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89973705243303781062014-03-06T21:32:34.658-05:002014-03-06T21:32:34.658-05:00I wasn't hooked by this one. Sorry. I know he&...I wasn't hooked by this one. Sorry. I know he's leaving and I know he's ashamed of his empty pot and I know he's sad about having to leave, but I don't find myself caring much about his plight. I'm not sure why. He hasn't really said or done anything to make me like him yet. Hard to do in such a short space, I know. But I think I'm feeling like he's depressed and I'd like to see a bit of gumption. There is a hint of that in the last line--a hint of a fighting spirit. I'd like to see that come in a bit early. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22093065564202732892014-03-06T00:14:13.832-05:002014-03-06T00:14:13.832-05:00This looks like it's going to be an interestin...This looks like it's going to be an interesting story about the world leprechauns live in, and a "misfit" of the race. It's nicely written and certainly as "middle grade" as many other classics of fantasy for young people.<br /><br />A very tiny nitpick: maybe some more "Irish" sounding names for the characters? Unless the name is part of the "misfit" tone.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3731681537277902592014-03-05T21:00:55.874-05:002014-03-05T21:00:55.874-05:00The voice didn't feel MG to me either, though ...The voice didn't feel MG to me either, though it was well written. <br /><br />A few tiny details, you could probably drop 'Fireplace' in the line 'His gaze ran across the fireplace mantle', and the 'aloud' in 'Mortimer said aloud to the empty room' to tighten it up. <br /><br />Was hooked though.RSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33392529649742746742014-03-05T20:45:38.791-05:002014-03-05T20:45:38.791-05:00I agree with Zigster...love the description and wr...I agree with Zigster...love the description and writing! I didn't have a problem with the voice being MG. I think the mention of the leprechaun, the empty pot of gold, that he's going on some trip/adventure would draw that age group in.<br />Good luck!Linda Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44783713929669777842014-03-05T18:28:06.516-05:002014-03-05T18:28:06.516-05:00I love the description and the writing. The scene ...I love the description and the writing. The scene is very beautiful. It did not read as middle grade to me though. I was trying to figure out how this would evolve into a story with a mg main character.Zigsternoreply@blogger.com