tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4558324553179100398..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #14Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5184970756757127982010-05-23T01:35:47.193-04:002010-05-23T01:35:47.193-04:00I won't comment on this now that the Agent has...I won't comment on this now that the Agent has commented but I did find that my intrigue wasn't engaged - ghosts as mother married to gods that snore away in a bedroom... and me being scared of ghosts? when there's one snoring away in my parent's bedroom? I just disengaged but I think you do have some very good and constructive (not destructive) feedback.<br />ZPAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79449185531838700982010-05-22T14:55:55.932-04:002010-05-22T14:55:55.932-04:00This is tough, because honestly it's one of th...This is tough, because honestly it's one of those love/hate scenarios with that first sentence. On one hand, I feel it's something that would be better left told later, but on the other, I've yet to read the rest of your manuscript to judge if it's in an appropriate place.<br /><br />I'd definitely keep reading to see what happens.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68782546259569599732010-05-22T10:45:57.861-04:002010-05-22T10:45:57.861-04:00Your opening sparked my interest, but I had troubl...Your opening sparked my interest, but I had trouble getting past it because I got lost and confused further in . . . I can't tell how your MC feels or what her personality is like. She's just telling us things. I don't feel like there's enough action for me keep going. Once you flesh out her personality, it will flow better, I think. Best of luck to you!Spiralnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36446454225524167732010-05-21T00:11:52.513-04:002010-05-21T00:11:52.513-04:00I think this would be stronger if you cut the seco...I think this would be stronger if you cut the second paragraph completely. It's slowing down the momentum and we can find all of this out later if it's important.<br /><br />'the cave floor remains flat' -- I think 'remains' should just be 'is' here. Otherwise it sounds like she's somehow causing the floor to change.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67238904035130348422010-05-20T18:50:28.055-04:002010-05-20T18:50:28.055-04:00I wasn't hooked by this piece. I think becaus...I wasn't hooked by this piece. I think because the first two paragraphs tell instead of show. Find a way to show us how the MC is different rather than telling us she's the offspring of a ghost and a god. The last two paragraphs were a bit better because we started to get into the action.Cathionoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31565386897607412352010-05-20T11:34:58.186-04:002010-05-20T11:34:58.186-04:00I actually found the opposite. I didn't like t...I actually found the opposite. I didn't like the opening at all, but liked the last two paragraphs. The first sentence felt sort of awkward. Maybe if you got rid of the "I'm the girl who" and rearranged it.<br /><br />If you started with something like, "I had that dream again," or something, then I'd be curious.<br /><br />Good luck!Amanda Sunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12546843210439988407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57072384425213598652010-05-20T08:51:44.743-04:002010-05-20T08:51:44.743-04:00Nice first lines. I would read on, though I felt ...Nice first lines. I would read on, though I felt the descriptions at the beginning were a bit much (for the beginning).Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03924194998560921694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71563713315595594392010-05-19T17:11:53.367-04:002010-05-19T17:11:53.367-04:00I liked it, although I might start with - My mothe...I liked it, although I might start with - My mother is a ghost - rather than 'I'm the girl who' and cut the "I tried to tell them about my dreams" part. Don't explain things to the reader. It stops the story. If the reader has to know it, find a way to get the info out without interrupting the story. You might change the 'tickling' spider web. You're creating an eerie scene and mood. Tickling doesn't suit it.<br /><br />I'm not totally hooked, but I could be with some revision.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33460053098435229732010-05-19T16:42:21.131-04:002010-05-19T16:42:21.131-04:00Well, the detail is good, but I have this thing ab...Well, the detail is good, but I have this thing about over-explaining the scenery, especially at the beginning. Many authors do this to set the tone, but what ends up happening is the reader grows frustrated because the narrative drive is stalled. Think of it like a journey. You are getting somewhere, and yes you look out the windows now and then to take in the sights, BUT you have to keep your eyes on the road. Right? This said, I might cut back the scenic/tonal descriptions (scale them back a bit) and put that narrative train in motion a little earlier. If I were an agent, I would like the writing and request a partial to see what might be lurking behind the scenery. Then again, I am not an agent.Mike Winchellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11771482167997501541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10052248148459110692010-05-19T14:50:14.176-04:002010-05-19T14:50:14.176-04:00I was hooked with the first paragraph. The only is...I was hooked with the first paragraph. The only issue I have is that present tense tends to read awkwardly to me. I think it would be stronger in past tense.Kelly Hashwayhttp://www.kellyhashway.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31545664938724654272010-05-19T11:51:01.526-04:002010-05-19T11:51:01.526-04:00Really liked your first sentence. I'm a little...Really liked your first sentence. I'm a little unsure what the second sentence means, but I'm still intrigued. <br /><br />The continuing build up is also good. You ground us in the girl's age, what's going on in her life and why her parents won't believe her. <br /><br />Next two paragraphs work well, pulling the reader along with the MC.<br /><br />Good luck.htourkinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70237268019505243712010-05-19T11:06:46.056-04:002010-05-19T11:06:46.056-04:00I like your voice and I'm intrigued. I'd k...I like your voice and I'm intrigued. I'd keep reading. The only thing that I stumbled on was the damp coldness. I would cut it a keep warm or say damp cave. Yanking the collar implies that it is cold.bfavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164661338051897220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77865831569607103022010-05-19T10:38:46.234-04:002010-05-19T10:38:46.234-04:00At first I thought it was kind of rushed, but as I...At first I thought it was kind of rushed, but as I read on I liked where is was going.<br /><br />I'd read more. Hooked!<br /><br />Good luck with SA!Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04372612203349863638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77041904002669667592010-05-19T10:27:30.597-04:002010-05-19T10:27:30.597-04:00You gave me goose bumps reading this. Your descrip...You gave me goose bumps reading this. Your descriptions had me right there in the cave!<br />Hooked!Ravenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05201095217806362454noreply@blogger.com