tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4583673660455943649..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #26Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91042614128095168422013-04-28T01:52:28.487-04:002013-04-28T01:52:28.487-04:00While I like the taxi-driver aspect of this, I was...While I like the taxi-driver aspect of this, I was having a hard time with the voice. The "son" remark threw me first and I the rest of the dialogue didn't sit well.Meradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70911866684693318882013-04-26T16:48:07.120-04:002013-04-26T16:48:07.120-04:00While sneaking out of the house is a very exciting...While sneaking out of the house is a very exciting teenage activity to start a story, I couldn't get past the fact that your two characters don't sound like teenage boys. I've never heard kids call each other "son" and I don't believe for a second that he'd tell his dad he was the designated driver for a bunch of underage drinkers. He'd make up a different reason that he had to always drive.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57683849025616866212013-04-26T11:43:20.205-04:002013-04-26T11:43:20.205-04:00I like the fact that you're starting on an int...I like the fact that you're starting on an interesting event and that it's obviously going to continue for the next several pages. My criticism is similar to those above. The dialogue doesn't quite feel natural to me. It feels like you're trying to force information into it -- Logan's name, the fact that the MC never gets caught, ect.<br /><br />I also found it odd that Logan calls the MC "son," but I'm assuming there's a reason for that beyond the 255 words. Katrina S. Foresthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00782678919561852444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44221154526983498172013-04-26T06:58:08.415-04:002013-04-26T06:58:08.415-04:00The dialogue didn't read true for me. I would ...The dialogue didn't read true for me. I would expect him to turn around and indicate for his friend to be quiet when they're sneaking out. I don't think he would turn around and give such a detailed explanation. It came across as an info dump - something you have added in for the readers benefit because this is information his friend would already know.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63192302095678639952013-04-25T11:15:47.062-04:002013-04-25T11:15:47.062-04:00I like the staying positive line- shows the mc is ...I like the staying positive line- shows the mc is clever and has a sense of humor. Good beginning. Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12589132806788056004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84569145675711733832013-04-25T09:35:04.537-04:002013-04-25T09:35:04.537-04:00I like how the MC is forced to choose between what...I like how the MC is forced to choose between what is "right" (staying in) and what is "Right" (fulfilling what he feels is a duty). I'm intrigued about what his social role is at the HS, and whether he's in it for the money, or to help other kids. I'd read on!Nancy T.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49927693781765559652013-04-24T22:49:50.767-04:002013-04-24T22:49:50.767-04:00There's a nice voice here. I'd read a bit ...There's a nice voice here. I'd read a bit further to see where this was going. Careful with language like "sneaking-out time" an "CHHS, my high school." That raises some authenticity concerns voice-wise but the tone is good.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86931871996462574732013-04-24T18:25:47.824-04:002013-04-24T18:25:47.824-04:00I agree with the above commenter about the hiss on...I agree with the above commenter about the hiss on a technical sense, but disagree with everything else. I don't have a problem with the "son" as I've heard that used as a replacement for "dude" but watch the dialogue in general, making sure that it rings true to how two friends would talk to each other. The speech that starts with "Hey, Logan . . ." could be cut way back. There's a lot of great character stuff here. I like the taxi service idea, and the staying positive and lucky stuff. Keep working on this--tighten up the writing, but I can tell you have a lot of great ideas of where the characters are going. Good luck! Monicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13767426908161506268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69489992154623490582013-04-24T15:10:35.200-04:002013-04-24T15:10:35.200-04:00Like the beginning, but then later, why would anot...Like the beginning, but then later, why would another call a friend "son?" Took me right out of the story. Also. don't think you can hiss words unless they start with an "s".<br /><br />Not sure you need a block of backstory starting with At CHHS.<br /><br /><br />What is the significance of the Irish motto? Seems to be just sitting there. Maybe connect it or use it later?<br /><br />Can't whisper and yell at the same time. Choose one or the other. fictionwriternoreply@blogger.com