tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post458781429974004167..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #41Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-507340976604649822010-05-24T00:10:50.810-04:002010-05-24T00:10:50.810-04:00Unfortunately I'm not as hooked as I'd lik...Unfortunately I'm not as hooked as I'd like to be. There's a little disconnect for me from the MC and a few items are jarring, like is the dog's name Lancelot or Rambo?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17160813816658205102010-05-23T00:07:03.752-04:002010-05-23T00:07:03.752-04:00You need to engage more. Dropping in onto this c...You need to engage more. Dropping in onto this cold turkey, there needs to be more urgency. More sense of drama. <br />Usually when this happens, I find it is because the novel starts in the wrong place. <br />The best hook is a piece of action. Even possible with the last sentence here "I pulled the trigger and..."<br />And then you rearrange the conversation between you and the retriever. See how that works. You don't have to commit to it if it doesn't<br />Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9687909744075227652010-05-20T18:42:18.183-04:002010-05-20T18:42:18.183-04:00Sorry. I was lost and confused.
Police tape stre...Sorry. I was lost and confused.<br /><br />Police tape stretching from one end of the forest to the other? That's one big piece.<br /><br />Why does he want to play where his brother died?<br /><br />A buzzer sounds. Where/who is it coming from. Why is it sounding. What does it have to do with anything?<br /><br />The dog's name, as already mentioned.<br /><br />A jar belted on his waist? In a world where almost everything is plastic.<br /><br />How do all these things connect? I couldn't figure it out.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29869389878788339082010-05-20T17:54:04.481-04:002010-05-20T17:54:04.481-04:00Buzzer? What buzzer? And some phrases that didn...Buzzer? What buzzer? And some phrases that didn't quite work, for me:<br /><br /><i>steroid-induced boa constrictor<br />four-legged point man<br />my golden soldier<br />jar belted around my waist<br />canine seizure<br />green bullet found a home</i><br /><br />And if the enemy is being lured closer by Rambo, how does he get hit in the back? He'd have to be walking backwards.<br /><br />I'd read more, primarily because I want to know what happened to Mikey and why the MC hears his voice.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28627196389530490992010-05-20T14:55:49.842-04:002010-05-20T14:55:49.842-04:00I like your writing (you had some good metaphors),...I like your writing (you had some good metaphors), but the opening felt disjointed to me. I have some questions as well:<br />- what is the buzzer you refer to in the 3rd par?<br />- is the dog's name Lancelot or Rambo?<br />-why/how did the waterfall go silent?<br /><br />Question, I wonder if you would consider opening with: I positioned myself behind a tree...<br /><br />You could have him have that memory while he's hiding behind the tree.<br /><br />Good luck!!K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69662496188244366692010-05-19T22:57:52.291-04:002010-05-19T22:57:52.291-04:00I think it was well written, but I was totally thr...I think it was well written, but I was totally thrown off by my confusion surrounding the dog's name, and I was unable to get back on track after that. Was his name Rambo? Focus? Lancelot? (I finally figured out it was Rambo, but the derailment was already accomplished.)Penelope Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04791357824874684556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88823857309122897742010-05-19T19:13:47.354-04:002010-05-19T19:13:47.354-04:00I really liked the feel of this story. I got a goo...I really liked the feel of this story. I got a good sense of the longing for someone he's lost but I am having a hard time connecting why he's playing with his dog right near a place that is taped off. This all could be explained later of course, but it did leave me confused for the moment.Christina Farleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03459203755170266842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80109254619122227932010-05-19T17:41:18.780-04:002010-05-19T17:41:18.780-04:00This was a bit confusing for me. I get a good sens...This was a bit confusing for me. I get a good sense of voice, but the setting and the references to the dog are unclear. Also, I have no idea what the boy is doing and what he's trying to accomplish. I'm sure that becomes apparent a bit further in, but I'd like to be oriented a little sooner as a reader.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52632330008592001282010-05-19T17:38:26.946-04:002010-05-19T17:38:26.946-04:00Some great lines and easy humor makes me feel I&#...Some great lines and easy humor makes me feel I'm in the hands of a pro. <br />Second last para is a touch confusing for me. How does Rambo's wriggling body lure the enemy closer? <br />Good stuff overall and good luck!pat flynnhttp://www.patflynnwriter.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73759284757722387182010-05-19T13:12:59.918-04:002010-05-19T13:12:59.918-04:00I was confused...is the dog's name Rambo or La...I was confused...is the dog's name Rambo or Lancelot? <br />I get the impression the MC is playing a game with another person, a kind of gooseberry paintball...but it didn't really grab my attention. I too was thrown off by who spoke at the end. The voice is pretty good, but nothing grabbed me to move on. <br />Good luck!Pen-Up Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17349431443527029558noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16895709916096455372010-05-19T12:41:38.259-04:002010-05-19T12:41:38.259-04:00I loved this one. Great writing, but I was a littl...I loved this one. Great writing, but I was a little confused who spoke at the end. If it was the Mc, why did he say who got him when he was the one that aimed? Maybe the next sentence explains it.<br /><br />Love the voice though.<br /><br />Good luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37791318663117161302010-05-19T12:14:56.690-04:002010-05-19T12:14:56.690-04:00I'm hooked. I'm not a MG reader, but I rea...I'm hooked. I'm not a MG reader, but I really thought this was cute.<br /><br />Good luck with SA!Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04372612203349863638noreply@blogger.com