tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4599411431803958026..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #1Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45126585334883087822015-09-26T15:37:48.142-04:002015-09-26T15:37:48.142-04:00Thank you all for the feedback. I've already s...Thank you all for the feedback. I've already scrapped this start and have decided to start the book in an entirely different location with a lot more happening. And no mirrors. And no erupted.K.A.Simonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842815107091475444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82726460533320998332015-09-26T15:33:11.227-04:002015-09-26T15:33:11.227-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.K.A.Simonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842815107091475444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13375241687830557272015-09-26T10:06:54.999-04:002015-09-26T10:06:54.999-04:00For the record, I read the part about the horns ne...For the record, I read the part about the horns near her heart the exact same way! I found it confusing. AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20908398526786345482015-09-25T23:22:30.048-04:002015-09-25T23:22:30.048-04:00Interesting start--I'd definitely read on. The...Interesting start--I'd definitely read on. There is a lot going on--maybe draw us into one of the scenes more fully first? (You have the gangs and the horns--maybe stick with one for a bit, then transition into the other?) At first I thought the horns were near her heart (the sight of them squeezing her heart--I read that as one concept--I'm pretty literal) MarciaBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15094319498100730180noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-390835063061573232015-09-24T22:57:51.439-04:002015-09-24T22:57:51.439-04:00You have a nice opening here! I agree, as well, wi...You have a nice opening here! I agree, as well, with the comment about "erupted" which goes to show how important word choice is! I can tell you're going for atmospheric, but just make sure you have the right words. Here, erupt gives the feeling of it happening for the first time.<br /><br />A lot of this does, though, feel like backstory and I don't know yet where your story is starting. I'd rather see this come out (especially paragraph three) through actions. Looking in a mirror to describe a main character is oft used so if you can avoid doing so you'll be all the stronger for it!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30160759672039586162015-09-24T09:25:02.244-04:002015-09-24T09:25:02.244-04:00Very nice. Lovely flow.
Paragraph 3 is backstory ...Very nice. Lovely flow.<br /><br />Paragraph 3 is backstory and it's too early for that. If she's been worrying about her horns for two years it seems weird to glance back at her own history right then. And keeping it short, doesn't help. Get into the story and let her history unfold through interaction.Ikmarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34546378718775940232015-09-24T07:51:14.060-04:002015-09-24T07:51:14.060-04:00This beginning sets an intriguing story. At times ...This beginning sets an intriguing story. At times the language in your first paragraph is awkward - don't know if you need to specify the wings have thin bones, wings generally do. "Tucking" the wings in almost implies a separate process from the folding.<br /> <br />Not sure you need to add, "and everything had been right" in reference to the gang. I have no idea what that means. <br /><br />LOVE the leaning into the mirror to see her horns. I'd like to know more about Chiori and her world. Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15549321762770769572015-09-23T17:14:35.273-04:002015-09-23T17:14:35.273-04:00An interesting concept. Has this angel fallen? I a...An interesting concept. Has this angel fallen? I agree with earlier comments in that the use of "erupted" seems misplaced. Good luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06899902969396607339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33828938739218191582015-09-23T17:14:17.388-04:002015-09-23T17:14:17.388-04:00An interesting concept. Has this angel fallen? I a...An interesting concept. Has this angel fallen? I agree with earlier comments in that the use of "erupted" seems misplaced. Good luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06899902969396607339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78037868188182233632015-09-23T15:16:23.992-04:002015-09-23T15:16:23.992-04:00Really intriguing. I was drawn in by the descripti...Really intriguing. I was drawn in by the description. My one concern is the mention of the gangs. It just seems so abrupt and made me stumble. I wanted to know why horns were an issue and not wings.Dana Nhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10359138566443283079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-963444051134215022015-09-23T15:15:05.961-04:002015-09-23T15:15:05.961-04:00An interesting premise. But you're feeding us ...An interesting premise. But you're feeding us information, instead of letting it come out through action and dialogue. You've introduced several situations here, all of them interesting, and starting with any of them, in showing mode instead of telling, would liven this up. <br /><br />Also, when she tucks her wings away, how does she do that? With a shoulder shrug? Does she reach behind her and give them a nudge? You're telling us what she did. Instead, show us what she did. Give the reader something to see.<br /><br />Start your story instead of explaining it.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27786612098294582122015-09-23T13:16:31.330-04:002015-09-23T13:16:31.330-04:00I love this premise! However I wonder if it might ...I love this premise! However I wonder if it might be better to open with one of the scenes of conflict Chiori mentions, such as the gang initiation or her horns sprouting, rather than having her think about her life while looking in the mirror. It's an interesting life, so better to show it rather than telling about it, yes?<br /><br />Other than that I think Chiori has a strong voice and the premise here is excellent. Best of luck!Amy Mhttp://parkinglotconfessional.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75708649167147121562015-09-23T12:12:03.970-04:002015-09-23T12:12:03.970-04:00Wonderful description! You've left me with lot...Wonderful description! You've left me with lots of questions I would read on to answer such as why her parents fear gangs, yet Chiori does not; what do the gangs do; and what's up with the horns that have upset her? <br /><br />You can delete "Currently" from "Currently her wings." Can shorten "to remain hidden" to "to hide."<br /><br />Great job!demorynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48581367141857758952015-09-23T12:08:09.542-04:002015-09-23T12:08:09.542-04:00I wouldn't use erupted in your first sentence ...I wouldn't use erupted in your first sentence because it sounds like the action is happening now, but she's had wings her whole life. You can potentially insert a "has," or change the verb to something less active. <br /><br />I LOVE your title, by the way.Amanda Foodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041820771365552110noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42518722715552597432015-09-23T12:08:05.237-04:002015-09-23T12:08:05.237-04:00I wouldn't use erupted in your first sentence ...I wouldn't use erupted in your first sentence because it sounds like the action is happening now, but she's had wings her whole life. You can potentially insert a "has," or change the verb to something less active. <br /><br />I LOVE your title, by the way.Amanda Foodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041820771365552110noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63268470253135030622015-09-23T10:17:23.524-04:002015-09-23T10:17:23.524-04:00I don't have much to say on this except I stum...I don't have much to say on this except I stumbled twice over the word "erupted." Otherwise, it sounds awesome. I like that the premise is right there on the first page. All the best!Meredith Irelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267030131818850231noreply@blogger.com