tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4748223952804902141..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round One #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3745922299649439312014-09-24T13:47:12.610-04:002014-09-24T13:47:12.610-04:00"LOng enslaved for her father's crimes..."LOng enslaved for her father's crimes' -- WHat does this mean? Was she imprisoned because her father committed crimes (and what were those crimes) and so the whole family is punished, or does it mean her father committed crimes and she got blamed for them?<br /><br />The next clause 'to prove her innocence' implies she was blamed for something her father did. But she was 'long enslaved' and this is NA, so I'd assume she was in her early twenties, so how old would she have been when she supposedly committed those crimes? Wouldn't she have had to have been very young? And then it seems her 'dearest childhood friend' is the killer, so wouldn't the friend have been very young, too?<br /><br />To me, it's very confusing. I'd suggest starting over and try to include the who, what, when. where, and why of your story.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73943986355166386622014-09-23T22:34:15.146-04:002014-09-23T22:34:15.146-04:00Were she and her father wrongfully accused of a cr...Were she and her father wrongfully accused of a crime? A minor rewording of the first clause might clear up the confusion. Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6004474255050169622014-09-23T20:44:50.479-04:002014-09-23T20:44:50.479-04:00I think you've done a good job with this. It r...I think you've done a good job with this. It reads like a log line, but when I dig in, I have a few questions, though. If Eva is enslaved, how is she free to go about catching a killer? Maybe your inciting incident brings the two together? Also, I don't understand the either/or. Are her only choices to protect or to kill her childhood friend? And finally, is there a way to show that this is science fantasy through your word choices? I could read this as historical, dystopian, fantasy--I don't see any science. Good luck! It's an interesting concept. C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52903025859125333092014-09-23T15:17:59.974-04:002014-09-23T15:17:59.974-04:00My first question is why now? If she has been long...My first question is why now? If she has been long enslaved, what happens to start the story? Next, it isn't clear why catching the killer will prove her innocence and what this has to do with her father's crimes. Is he the killer? Finally, you say she has to catch a killer but then say she must become a killer. What is her goal exactly? To catch the killer, identify the killer or kill the killer? This needs to be clear. <br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5418694771006817882014-09-23T13:15:23.109-04:002014-09-23T13:15:23.109-04:00I think this is pretty strong. I agree to cut &quo...I think this is pretty strong. I agree to cut "long" and begin with "Enslaved." I also wondered if she breaks out of prison/confinement to catch the killer. The last line is great.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34036256173155423232014-09-23T13:13:15.251-04:002014-09-23T13:13:15.251-04:00I agree with the questions above. I'm also a b...I agree with the questions above. I'm also a bit confused on how she searches for the killer if she's enslaved. The rest of it sounds great, but I'm hung up on that technicality, so a little clarification would help quite a bit, I think.lwritesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19777978545453445902014-09-23T12:50:33.842-04:002014-09-23T12:50:33.842-04:00I had the same question as Becky. The whole thing ...I had the same question as Becky. The whole thing with the friend is great though. Maybe highlight her connection to the friend now - sometimes we lose track of childhood friends and so turning him/her over would be easy. But I'm assuming this is a friend she still cares about... Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29395513896011136642014-09-23T12:31:06.294-04:002014-09-23T12:31:06.294-04:00On the first read, even the second, I thought this...On the first read, even the second, I thought this was a solid, intriguing premise. Third time, I'm wondering--if Eva was imprisoned for her father's crimes, how can she prove her innocence by uncovering a different criminal besides her father? How is her father guilty if the childhood friend is the killer?<br /><br />Truly, I think the reveal of the guilty childhood friend is a winner, but maybe some rewording would clarify.Beckynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20909200564648865202014-09-23T11:53:15.406-04:002014-09-23T11:53:15.406-04:00This gives the stakes and the conflict. The only t...This gives the stakes and the conflict. The only thing I'd clear up is "enslaved". Is it physical, psychological, or what?Milhaudnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80301874937897979872014-09-23T11:35:58.056-04:002014-09-23T11:35:58.056-04:00Love the stakes! I don't think you need the &q...Love the stakes! I don't think you need the "Long" at the beginning.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com