tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4936928872585119917..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 5 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90881188867021723832009-08-23T10:23:11.767-04:002009-08-23T10:23:11.767-04:00I had trouble picturing exactly where the narrator...I had trouble picturing exactly where the narrator was and how this scene was unfolding, so I'd have to pass on this one for now. I'm not a fan of flashback so early in a chapter. I also felt there was some unnecessary repetition here and some details I'm not sure we need to know. Does it matter which hand she used to reach out to him...? I'd be careful of overwriting and seek to move the story forward faster.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54487430880599674942009-08-23T10:18:37.490-04:002009-08-23T10:18:37.490-04:00I'm interested by the flashbacks but think the...I'm interested by the flashbacks but think the initial flashback is a little too long. Perhaps break it up into two flashbacks? I would be more intrigued if the MC didn't know the laughter, only that he had to find the source.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80358556460006464862009-08-21T02:19:56.051-04:002009-08-21T02:19:56.051-04:00I like it. I think 'exploded' is an overus...I like it. I think 'exploded' is an overused word; you might think of another one less trite, but I got a clear picture of what went on and would definitely read on.<br /><br />Not sure you could call any hat Ingrid Bergman ever wore a fedora, or would want to, since that's normally thought of as a man's hat. The one she wore at the end of Casablanca was similar but not quite. Might want to rethink that.<br /><br />Still pretty well done.Sir Otterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09197339869018056533noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63201952061684139432009-08-20T08:56:30.111-04:002009-08-20T08:56:30.111-04:00Pretty well hooked. Only a few minor suggestions:...Pretty well hooked. Only a few minor suggestions:<br /><br />In the first paragraph, I'd write it was "triggered by <i>her</i> gentle laugh"; that way we know, right off the bat, that there's a woman the narrator is thinking about.<br /><br />In the second paragraph be more precise with the description of Maureen. Don't call it an Ingrid Bergman fedora, give me a color and texture/material--at 30 years old, I'm not old enough to have an immediate frame of reference for Bergman's hat stylings. Does she have a 1940's hairstyle because it's in the 1940's or she's being retro? My guess is the former, but don't make me guess. Describe the hairstyle and have the narrator figure out the timeline to make it less ambiguous. Mention pin curls or something else classic to that time period and then have the narrator say something like (this will be a bad example, but it's quick): "...with a pencil stuck over her ear placed me in a fixed point in time. This woman was Maureen, my wife in the year 1943. She read..."<br /><br />The set-up is good (it immediately reminded me of the YA paranormal romance/SciFi series Blue Bloods that involves vampires who keep getting "re-born" with memories of their former lives resurfacing in later lives). I liked it and think there's somewhere interesting that you could definitely take this.Literature Crazyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11745445935235997199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37222630482239546242009-08-20T01:20:08.002-04:002009-08-20T01:20:08.002-04:00The writing here is a bit over the top. Too melodr...The writing here is a bit over the top. Too melodramatic for my taste. So I like the idea -- someone possibly being reunited with a lover from a past life -- but overall, I didn't feel grounded into this story so much as skimming across the surface of it. Not hooked.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45924225180292514442009-08-19T21:56:03.217-04:002009-08-19T21:56:03.217-04:00Not hooked.
I'm sorry, but, for me, it's ...Not hooked.<br /><br />I'm sorry, but, for me, it's a writing thing. The writing isn't there for me.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46815582352316926872009-08-19T13:47:44.040-04:002009-08-19T13:47:44.040-04:00Agreed with everyone before me.
I additionally th...Agreed with everyone before me.<br /><br />I additionally think that the memory should be more concrete -- it should be faster. It jolts me out of the scene entirely.Weronika Janczukhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02578288655500573458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-893598900964527822009-08-19T12:12:03.759-04:002009-08-19T12:12:03.759-04:00Not sure. I was interested enough to click on the ...Not sure. I was interested enough to click on the post - I think it's too much info, too soon, without knowing anything about the MC. <br /><br />SScotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06905515473737579937noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61673523252092463172009-08-19T11:19:39.134-04:002009-08-19T11:19:39.134-04:00Not hooked. I thought this had the same problem a...Not hooked. I thought this had the same problem as the last one. You start with something exciting, and then wander off in another direction. Who is this person? Why is he/she staggering into this gathering? What happened that he/she can't even stand up? Those are the things I want to know.<br /><br />You have a hooky opening paragraph, and the Merlin Scholars piques my interest. Perhaps build on that a bit more before wandering off into his vision/memory.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71854482014330165782009-08-19T11:12:24.604-04:002009-08-19T11:12:24.604-04:00I really enjoyed the writing in the 'now' ...I really enjoyed the writing in the 'now' time, but the flashback detracted from the rest of the writing, and seemed overly descriptive. I was especially taken out of the flow by sentence that they were aloft. However, I am hooked--I definitely want to find out who's laughing.Heather Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06699360166269376285noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18849096915095545832009-08-19T10:08:04.949-04:002009-08-19T10:08:04.949-04:00I'm intrigued, but I agree with the posters be...I'm intrigued, but I agree with the posters before me that it feels confusing, like something's missing. I think the scene needs to be more established before the main character hears the laughter and has the memory. Although, that being said... I would probably ask for more to see where it goes.Valerie Gearyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165554338889917253noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51018454978484633792009-08-19T09:51:54.099-04:002009-08-19T09:51:54.099-04:00For some reason I thought the narrator was a woman...For some reason I thought the narrator was a woman, so I was a bit confused about the wife. Liked the idea of Merlin Scholars, but not sure about the rest.Keren Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13121027210783177857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50574175630593564562009-08-19T09:38:33.248-04:002009-08-19T09:38:33.248-04:00I'm not sure...
This doesn't really tell...I'm not sure... <br /><br />This doesn't really tell me anything about the main character or setting and I feel like I missed something. This is probably a problem of only getting 250 words up front. There isn't enough here to really hook me.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.com