tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post4997017425688473350..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #33Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57289955268436398992015-01-16T10:57:46.574-05:002015-01-16T10:57:46.574-05:00For horror, I think the creepy “grab us” factor co...For horror, I think the creepy “grab us” factor could be amped up here. You have a good foundation with a Cathedral, mist, and describing the sidewalk like a backbone. It feels a bit like you’re trying to tell us too much on the first page about the MC’s mom, the divorce, the apartment, moving, last Christmas—I’m not sure we quite need that much so soon to get a sense of what’s going on.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14551321063532524822015-01-15T03:45:27.441-05:002015-01-15T03:45:27.441-05:00I really like the atmosphere and specificity of th...I really like the atmosphere and specificity of the location, so I especially enjoyed the first two paragraphs. I think paragraphs 3 and 4 feel a bit like telling backstory to me, and I wonder if that could be sprinkled in later during some action or dialogue maybe? You have a good voice also. Best of luck with this!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80564207126880696102015-01-14T15:17:41.737-05:002015-01-14T15:17:41.737-05:00Oh, I love this. I used to live in Eugene OR and m...Oh, I love this. I used to live in Eugene OR and miss that damp valley by the river. The voice, the tone, the place, I love it all. Well done and good luck.Kristin Reynoldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02378424938049836434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39582782085740215892015-01-14T12:33:11.164-05:002015-01-14T12:33:11.164-05:00I think voice and rhythm is what is most important...I think voice and rhythm is what is most important here and the author nails it. I don't see an issue with the metaphor of a rehab facility because we all know what that means from, well, personal experience or movies and TV: drab, plain, mundane. <br />I'd read more.Ronald L. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03649046677631873728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57500023634043295862015-01-14T12:18:03.573-05:002015-01-14T12:18:03.573-05:00I agree, good voice here. I might break up back st...I agree, good voice here. I might break up back story by adding in more action between paras. elizabethphttp://penmad.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20491706065510481272015-01-14T12:01:40.857-05:002015-01-14T12:01:40.857-05:00You don't need to say Young Adult Fiction Horr...You don't need to say Young Adult Fiction Horror for your genre. Just YA Horror is enough. I like the set up but agree with above comment about the rehab facility. Your visual imagery is great, I can see the apartment right away. I'd think about adding in a first line to hook the reader that this is horror right away because otherwise this seems like a YA contemporary. Good luck! Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90736574899710180502015-01-14T11:37:47.688-05:002015-01-14T11:37:47.688-05:00I really like where you're going with this sto...I really like where you're going with this story, but, if I could point out just one little thing that may be helpful, it's from the second paragraph. The character talks about the looks of the apartment, comparing it to a rehab facility, even though she's never been inside one. Personally, I'd recommend comparing to something the character would know first-hand, and not from a comparison of somewhere she only knows from imagination. Just my opinion, though :-)Lori T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/18258106648536413193noreply@blogger.com