tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5018691370519827172..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 96 FantasyAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25798887525605263752010-03-28T01:16:44.335-04:002010-03-28T01:16:44.335-04:00Maren staggered up the ridge to her home above Tar...Maren staggered up the ridge to her home above Tarryton, moving slower and slower as if her legs wore iron weights.Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09370900593361310765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55136285999571463382010-03-26T21:11:12.241-04:002010-03-26T21:11:12.241-04:00Not hooked, sorry.Not hooked, sorry.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29140167877646450572010-03-26T14:29:35.769-04:002010-03-26T14:29:35.769-04:00I find it confusing. Where is she retreating from?...I find it confusing. Where is she retreating from? It initially sounded like she was right there, but then she's staggering up a ridge. Retreating and staggered don't seem to flow together.Rebecca T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11994380364321336824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63397660136268089742010-03-26T14:10:50.403-04:002010-03-26T14:10:50.403-04:00Gerunds are not evil. BUT I would agree that this...Gerunds are not evil. BUT I would agree that this one doesn't serve you because I wonder at simultaneously retreating and staggering. Start with "Maren..." <br /><br />This beginning is a bit cliched though - so many books start with someone staggering away from danger. What makes Maren and her danger unique?Lucy Woodhullhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10772331811727392601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73583624927291123642010-03-26T06:46:47.987-04:002010-03-26T06:46:47.987-04:00Not hooked. Sorry.Not hooked. Sorry.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49322963434073808342010-03-26T04:35:46.379-04:002010-03-26T04:35:46.379-04:00I like the title. I'd read more to see where t...I like the title. I'd read more to see where this is going.Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60559405165152268902010-03-25T17:04:45.050-04:002010-03-25T17:04:45.050-04:00What Steve said! I like the meaning, but I think ...What Steve said! I like the meaning, but I think the wrting needs tweaking.Shannon O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17299313309059235876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28627182190566114832010-03-25T16:21:46.768-04:002010-03-25T16:21:46.768-04:00Agree with Tami: Starting with a gerund is immedia...Agree with Tami: Starting with a gerund is immediately off-putting for me (and a lot of others). It's too passive. Try this:<br /><br />"Maren Sullivaine retreated to her mountain home. She staggered..."<br /><br />Get rid of all the "-ing" words, give your writing more punch, and then I'll probably want to read more!Stevehttp://kestrelsaerie.usnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13544750576620904312010-03-25T16:13:50.931-04:002010-03-25T16:13:50.931-04:00Not hooked -- I agree w/ Tami about cutting the &#...Not hooked -- I agree w/ Tami about cutting the 'Retreating' part -- not b/c of the old-voiceness, but b/c it's a bit less active.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26687255497964527552010-03-25T16:10:43.767-04:002010-03-25T16:10:43.767-04:00Take out the first sentence. Then I would be curi...Take out the first sentence. Then I would be curious.Carolyn R. Parsonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14529999558075983828noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83938773682027918972010-03-25T16:08:31.613-04:002010-03-25T16:08:31.613-04:00Not hooked. I think it'd be punchier without t...Not hooked. I think it'd be punchier without the "Retreating to her mountain home" which feels like one of those old voice-overs from National Geographic shows. It distances me from the character rather than tying me to her.Tamihttp://tamimoore.comnoreply@blogger.com