tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5062098049650151369..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? Young Adult #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27812911112340471522016-12-17T05:02:53.155-05:002016-12-17T05:02:53.155-05:00(A little late but here!) I’m going to be the odd ...(A little late but here!) I’m going to be the odd one out, but while I loved the first two lines and agree that there’s voice, I found the voice a bit too generic to be hooked. The premise isn’t uncommon, so I really need a unique sense of character right from the start to be grabbed by this. The character I’m seeing so far seems pretty conventional. Maybe include something in your first page here that sets her apart? Something unexpected or even seemingly contradictory about her character would immediately interest me in *her*, enough to want to know more and keep reading.<br /><br />Basically, some detail or hint that implies a character that’s more of an individual/more specific than “teenage girl who’s lost her place on the social ladder and is starting over by trying out for the school play”. Apart from that, I liked the writing style, and I thought it started in a great place. Good luck with this! :)AmandaKhttps://twitter.com/amandakurkanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37103979430113557882016-12-15T11:09:31.993-05:002016-12-15T11:09:31.993-05:00I like this! It seems fresh. Except I think you s...I like this! It seems fresh. Except I think you should ditch the first couple of paragraphs and just start with the "Sitting like a taut wire..." paragraph. That's where things get interesting, the previous stuff just reads like set up/filler and I don't think it's needed. I would read on to see how her audition goes.AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71202837441600830202016-12-15T11:04:08.201-05:002016-12-15T11:04:08.201-05:00Love the first two sentences! Like the logline. Th...Love the first two sentences! Like the logline. The fifth sentence is a bit awkward, but other than that, it's all good. Would definitely keep reading. Deehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01893218424222049496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82676303968513231602016-12-14T23:12:17.004-05:002016-12-14T23:12:17.004-05:00Great. Voice. You definitely have me hooked. Two t...Great. Voice. You definitely have me hooked. Two things - the third sentence is kind of choppy and when you wrote "my life ends" without the context of the log line it sounds like she's now a ghost recounting her life. Consider rephrasing that. sewitschorkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00470045563589329401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27230979149170728432016-12-14T20:14:21.495-05:002016-12-14T20:14:21.495-05:00Yay for theatre kids'! I'm right there wit...Yay for theatre kids'! I'm right there with Rosaline, and ready to watch her fail miserably at the audition before falling into the pit of salvation. ;) You've got a solid voice going, and so far have done a good job of placing her in the "sad" end of the emotional spectrum without making her whiny.<br /><br />I would split the logline into two sentences, it's way too comma-heavy. "Rosaline is abandoned by her former friends after a vicious rumor circulates about her. Adrift, alone, and out of options, she joins..."<br /><br />I'm hooked and would keep reading.Erikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08084509066376979793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13973921090745439672016-12-14T14:52:00.966-05:002016-12-14T14:52:00.966-05:00Love the premise and voice. You did a great job sh...Love the premise and voice. You did a great job showing us how your MC feels and what the conflict is. Great job. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10859703513161420215noreply@blogger.com