tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5078650761084329006..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talking Heads #2Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5387906551778311652014-03-18T19:27:43.081-04:002014-03-18T19:27:43.081-04:00I felt like the dialogue was kind of stilted in sp...I felt like the dialogue was kind of stilted in spots. It didn't feel natural to me when Caitlin was talking to her friend. It should feel a little awkward between her and the instructor, but not between her and a friend. See if you can smooth things out in revisions. Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1771455166331312942014-03-18T19:14:18.929-04:002014-03-18T19:14:18.929-04:00There's a wonderful camaraderie between Caitli...There's a wonderful camaraderie between Caitlin and James, and I love the energy in their dialogue. By contrast, her flirting with Ted felt stilted, and the hair flip came out of nowhere. Give us a little something, a hint of flirting before the hair flip to show interest. Kelly gave some great suggestions. Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85686591072009505272014-03-18T15:58:08.394-04:002014-03-18T15:58:08.394-04:00We definitely get a sense of Caitlin and James in ...We definitely get a sense of Caitlin and James in this dialogue. We know she's confident about her abilities to win a man. I agree with Kelly about need for some bodily movement or something in between their words. For example, replace he confirmed with some movement or action that gives us more of a sense of what kind of guy he is. <br /><br />I do like her confident attitude. I think the exchange between James and Caitlin really shows their friendship. Good job. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11616443977651188748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84195787596440243162014-03-18T13:04:26.885-04:002014-03-18T13:04:26.885-04:00Now this is only my opinion, but this selection is...Now this is only my opinion, but this selection is very heavy on a dialogue. I know that's what was asked for, but I find myself imagining them just standing there staring at each other. Even with large chunks of dialogue, they don't exist in a bubble: things are going on around them, they move, they smell things, they have thoughts that leads to words spoken, or thoughts that contradict what they say. Even if it is small mentions, there should be narrative woven with the dialogue to paint a complete image of the scene.<br /><br />I'd would have like to have gotten a clue to Ted's response to her--does he look at her appraisingly which spurs her desire to pursue an instructor? Rather than be told about the recognition, it could be shown, then lead into his response on her looking familiar.<br /><br />Does James actually say the letters "OMG" or does he say "oh my god"? <br /><br />Side note on genre, this reads and sounds a lot more like NA than women's fictions...especially given what sounds like a college setting.<br /><br />Hope this helps. Good luck!Kelly Metzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16393486174448300525noreply@blogger.com