tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5120351276863373690..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #29Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31979189491011476822012-01-28T17:25:09.111-05:002012-01-28T17:25:09.111-05:00Interesting...it felt like there were some extrane...Interesting...it felt like there were some extraneous or overly-explanatory details scattered throughout (does it have to be an old-fashioned mailbox? Is it "the shades in question" or just "they"? Should the narrator be making such analytical, presumptuous descriptions of the firebird, extrapolating so much from a mixture of bravado and wide-eyed-curiosity?) but there's also a pretty vivid imagination on display here, so it's tough for me to say which way I fall on this...Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81122782857206878652012-01-27T01:17:17.422-05:002012-01-27T01:17:17.422-05:00Ooo, a story about a girl/firebird. I'm alread...Ooo, a story about a girl/firebird. I'm already rooting for her and would definitely read on. <br />p.s. I love the description of the girl's hairLayla Messnerhttp://laylamessner.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78479557555034231372012-01-26T21:19:51.829-05:002012-01-26T21:19:51.829-05:00I also enjoyed the descriptions--the last sentence...I also enjoyed the descriptions--the last sentence was particularly well done.<br /><br />For me, the only thing that threw me a little (and I may be the only one) was a subtle shift in the middle of the third paragraph. The firebird's sigh--the "I-really-did-warn-you-about-this" suggests a level of experience and confidence that seemed at odds with the wide-eyed curiosity. This is a fairly minor thing, however, and I keep reading to see what happens with the girl and the shades.Rosalynhttp://thinkingthroughourfingers.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25514535874565368432012-01-26T13:41:47.431-05:002012-01-26T13:41:47.431-05:00The descriptions didn't bother me at all. I li...The descriptions didn't bother me at all. I liked them. The only thing that threw me at first (and this is just a personal thing) was that the MC was a bird. While I love animals in reality, I have a thing about animals that talk. I can't handle them - my poor kids will forever be deprived of movies like Cats and Dogs. Anyway, I felt much better after it turned into a girl. Because you were able to fit that into the 1st 250 words I would definitely keep reading. Nicely done.Joynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15402685936791926152012-01-25T22:57:40.016-05:002012-01-25T22:57:40.016-05:00Woah, this is amazing!
Great writing, and such an ...Woah, this is amazing!<br />Great writing, and such an eye-catching, genuinely surprising ending, with her turning. I want to know her, especially bc I already liked her personality as a bird. :)<br />Some simple suggestions about this paragraph:<br /><br />The firebird chirped a warning, but the shades paid little heed. So it sighed - a resigned, I-really-did-warn-you-about-this-you-know sigh - and glowed. Its feathers, a variety of yellows and reds and oranges tipped with a subtle silver shimmer, flared. Its majestic tail fanned out like a vestal train, whipping at slow, concentrated intervals. Despite its bravado, it had a wide-eyed curiosity about it suggesting it had not been a firebird for very long and, if the shades had their way, would not be one for much longer."<br /><br />I'd prefer it said "-- and began to glow." THEN go into the beautiful specifics.<br /><br />now for personal preference/nitpicky things.<br />Don't be afraid to clip your sentences. It saves time and can offer a more unique voice. <br /><br />You start with "its" twice, which throws off your chance for better cadence. I'd switch up the second sentence but keep the meat of it.<br /><br /><br />Just to recap, I tweaked it a bit to what would really catch my eye as a reader.<br /><br />"The firebird chirped a warning, but the shades paid little heed. So it sighed - a resigned, I-really-did-warn-you-about-this-you-know sigh - and began to glow. Subtle, shimmering silver tipped its feathers of yellow, red and orange, flaring like hot embers. Its majestic tail fanned out like a vestal train, whipping at slow, concentrated intervals. Despite its bravado, it had a wide-eyed curiosity about it suggesting it had not been a firebird for very long and, if the shades had their way, would not be one for much longer.<br /><br />When the nearest shade reached out for the bird, claws extended and sharp, the shadow screamed. A red blaze raked up its black body, devouring it; and then all that remained was ash.<br /><br />The firebird reared, glowed brighter -- smoldering, ardent, angry. In the next second it shifted and lengthened, beak and wings becoming limbs and legs.<br /><br />Now, a young girl crouched. Feathered crown had given way to a spirited mess of hair that lashed around her bare body like coiled firelight.<br /><br />Basically, just be careful about using the same words/sentence structures right after each other -- it makes for a more interesting read that way, and will getcha noticed. I'm seriously upset this book isn't published. I would read the whole damn thing based on these 250 words. You have amazing sight for seductive wording. "coiled firelight" "lashed around her bare body" "firebird chirped a warning"<br /><br />I didn't like the beginning sentence mentioning a place I'm not familiar with, so maybe just change it to mailbox? You can introduce us to setting later. Right now, the plot and this girl and the shades are what matter. Again, this is all personal preference! I frequently read YA fantasy, YA urban fantasy, and the like. If ya like my thoughts and want to hear more, (but hopefully, you'll be hearing from an agent like, uh, right NOW so I can read this thing) -- you can reach me at danicapaige@gmail.com<br /><br /><br />Thanks for submitting! It was a pleasure to read!Danicahttp://inkfluxblog.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23036624615983145682012-01-25T17:32:23.796-05:002012-01-25T17:32:23.796-05:00I really liked this. It sounds like something exci...I really liked this. It sounds like something exciting and magical awaits.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36497235919057060152012-01-25T16:26:32.762-05:002012-01-25T16:26:32.762-05:00This is a great start. I liked and was surprised b...This is a great start. I liked and was surprised by the firebird/ girl transformation.<br /><br />I think you could take out "and waited for the shades to attack" and then change the first part of para 2 to "The shades closed in, assuming . ."<br /><br />I think "if the shades had their way , would not be one for much longer" is a point of view shift.Cheerful Hikernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91613740772035579142012-01-25T14:24:32.805-05:002012-01-25T14:24:32.805-05:00I love the title and the premise of the story. I a...I love the title and the premise of the story. I agree with Crystal. I got bogged down in the third paragraph. Sometimes, less is more when dealing with adjectives. The last line is awesome.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing your work.J.R. Worthamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08360006987817234516noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49071708990636825012012-01-25T12:06:17.550-05:002012-01-25T12:06:17.550-05:00The story sound unique and I would probably keep r...The story sound unique and I would probably keep reading. The only problem I have is the third paragraph gets a little too descriptive especially for the first 250 words. Maybe spread the description around later and start with more of the action.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03335427276116292574noreply@blogger.com