tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5128693484521984659..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #24Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2249458247474514502011-02-04T00:26:09.172-05:002011-02-04T00:26:09.172-05:00I'll reiterate the suggestion to ensure your c...I'll reiterate the suggestion to ensure your character is taking action, rather than her body parts.<br /><br />Otherwise, I very much enjoyed the rest of the segment and definitely wanted to read more. Well done.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40859971026469971862011-02-03T16:44:12.674-05:002011-02-03T16:44:12.674-05:00I thought the first two pargs were overdone and co...I thought the first two pargs were overdone and could be stronger with some revision.<br /><br />Her face didn't lift to his. She looked up. She should be doing things, not her body parts, since it is she who controls them, and the lips moving without speaking--again, her lips wouldn't speak. She would. And how and why are they moving? Are her unsteady lips wobbling? What do steady lips look like? The desciptions don't work, I think.<br /><br />The last three pargs were much better. You might end with "Yet" she wanted to do it again.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20871878477254570532011-02-03T15:39:58.227-05:002011-02-03T15:39:58.227-05:00Excellent work. I like this a lot.Excellent work. I like this a lot.Chris P.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55766540048827736572011-02-03T12:43:46.720-05:002011-02-03T12:43:46.720-05:00Interesting premise. I like the last sentence, and...Interesting premise. I like the last sentence, and agree that you might want to change those cliche phrases one of the other commenters mentioned.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20919868429686304272011-02-02T23:59:39.264-05:002011-02-02T23:59:39.264-05:00Great premise. Liked the ease of writing and ... t...Great premise. Liked the ease of writing and ... the biting!Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3736069011351764022011-02-02T12:55:31.388-05:002011-02-02T12:55:31.388-05:00I liked it a lot, interesting explanation about th...I liked it a lot, interesting explanation about the society's controls.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00018322408296417739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45531665694904430752011-02-02T12:52:34.398-05:002011-02-02T12:52:34.398-05:00Very nice. I enjoyed it. Just maybe try and lose...Very nice. I enjoyed it. Just maybe try and lose the cliches of 'she lost all sense of time and place; she forgot even how to breathe'. I'm sure you can come up with a more original way of expressing this.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41406358388712357672011-02-02T12:25:46.147-05:002011-02-02T12:25:46.147-05:00Love this. It's innocent, while at the same ti...Love this. It's innocent, while at the same time aggressive. Nice job.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03263043246347529228noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90771292066383306942011-02-02T12:00:47.735-05:002011-02-02T12:00:47.735-05:00I loved this too! Nothing jarring to break the flo...I loved this too! Nothing jarring to break the flow of the story. She bit him, hot!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33352914851239027452011-02-02T11:47:35.976-05:002011-02-02T11:47:35.976-05:00Interesting!
Is "savage" a buzzword to t...Interesting!<br />Is "savage" a buzzword to this society?<br />If not, I might change the "savage" to "barbaric" or something similar, since you used the word in the previous sentence.<br />If I flipped to this page in a bookstore, I'd buy it.kaureliusnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67892545486645985652011-02-02T10:53:14.125-05:002011-02-02T10:53:14.125-05:00Loved this. Great voice. Smooth writing. No sugges...Loved this. Great voice. Smooth writing. No suggestions. Nice job:)Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.com