tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5201294283965210012..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10698829151822169332017-11-20T23:38:49.431-05:002017-11-20T23:38:49.431-05:00Not a bad scene at all. There are a few odd word c...Not a bad scene at all. There are a few odd word choices - "mocks fake pain", "mixes a change", "claps her eyelashes" - that pulled me out of the moment, and I'd definitely like to see more describing of feelings (particularly "I like the feeling of her in my arms." I want to feel that WITH Jason, not just be told that he feels it.) Love the twist at the end!Erikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08084509066376979793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39628738581996912352017-11-18T12:10:05.781-05:002017-11-18T12:10:05.781-05:00This is kind of fantastic. Reminds me of The Magic...This is kind of fantastic. Reminds me of The Magicians and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. StorybySashahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07264391447131553463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11456880861210738402017-11-18T00:19:25.383-05:002017-11-18T00:19:25.383-05:00I thought this was a nice scene and it works overa...I thought this was a nice scene and it works overall. It could be stronger, though. The issue is telling instead of showing.<br /><br />Consider your first parg. I’m standing still in a sea of moving bodies. Haley hip checks me into Maydah. It breaks her dancing reverie.<br /><br />You're MC is telling us what is happening. Now imagine you're watching it on a movie screen. What would you see?<br /><br />I stand still in a sea of gyrating bodies. (Moving is too generic and doesn't create a visual image. Try to use specific verbs.)<br /><br />Haley hipchecks me and I stumble into Maydah. (Now Maydah would react. What does 'it breaks her dancing reverie' mean? Say that instead.) Her half-closed eyes open wider as she stumbles, too, and we clasp hold of each other, saving us both from falling.<br /><br />Try doing that to every sentence (except the dialogue) and then look at the difference. The showing version will be way more visual than the telling version, and that's what you want, because readers don't have a movie screen in front of them. You have to create it in their imagination. Be specific, give details, and choose good verbs. You'll end up with a stronger mss.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53408334093740986812017-11-17T09:28:49.244-05:002017-11-17T09:28:49.244-05:00Thanks everyone! :)Thanks everyone! :)AuthorVanessaShieldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04659612039648383487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72192073929106367712017-11-17T04:40:06.436-05:002017-11-17T04:40:06.436-05:00Hi there!
Maybe try and show “she mocks fake pain...Hi there!<br /><br />Maybe try and show “she mocks fake pain.”<br /><br />“mixes a change in the music” sounds like something an adult would say. I’m not sure what a teenager would say, so I can’t help there. <br /><br />“Claps here eyelashes together” is an odd image. Maybe too strong for blinking heavily. <br /><br />“For all of me” is great innneundo. <br /><br />For some reason, describing lips as “glistening” makes me thinks she’s sweating like crazy or has just eaten something greasy. If I were Jason, I’m not sure how hot that’d be. <br /><br />Funny way to wrap up the scene. <br /><br />I hope some of this helps. Good luck!<br /><br />David S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08817217067647332879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27260421678652053212017-11-17T00:02:35.466-05:002017-11-17T00:02:35.466-05:00Not sure I've ever envisioned eyelashes "...Not sure I've ever envisioned eyelashes "clapping." I too was confused over the similar names and reread as well. Good use of the five senses in this scene!sewitschorkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00470045563589329401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62460485707894676842017-11-16T14:13:41.997-05:002017-11-16T14:13:41.997-05:00I’m standing still in a sea of moving bodies.
- ...I’m standing still in a sea of moving bodies. <br /><br />- I like this introduction. Good sensation here. <br /><br />“Ow!” Maydah mocks fake pain.<br /><br />- Would maybe add her rubbing her arm or hip as another action beat. <br /><br />Haley laughs and pulls Justin closer.<br /><br />- Where are they in relation to Maydah? I know this is a snippet but it's helpful to get a sense of space and location. <br /><br />She smells like strawberries and beer. <br />-Nice use of different sensations. <br /><br />“Divine!” she slurs. Then she whips her head back. “Dip me!”<br />- Nitpick here but not sure slurs is a dialogue tag. Maybe using another sensation, how do her eyes look or is her breathing fast?<br /><br />She swings her head back up and I dodge it by a hair. “You’re a dancer! A good one!” she claps her eyelashes together, and leans her head back on my shoulder.<br />- Not sure about the use of claps here, is she closing her eyes and keeping them closed? <br /><br />“Jason?” Maydah lifts her head. Her eyes are watery. The fleck is small, but there. <br />- The fleck confused me here? Is that her pupils or something related to her being a Hangar. <br /><br />“Jason…I don’t-” she parts her glistening lips, then covers them with her hands but her fingers don’t stop the puke that spews through. Onto my neck and shirt. <br /><br />- Hahaha! That’s one way to interpret tension I like your sentence length for this. Short, choppy that supports the situation—basically yelling on a dance floor and the quick pace of the scene works well. Great read. One comment, I’ve been advised about having characters with similar names. At first, I had to re-read your intro to make sure I was getting Jason and Justin straight. Just a thought. <br />Pattihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09548035835128709045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2922618759178691112017-11-16T11:13:13.167-05:002017-11-16T11:13:13.167-05:00Oh my, puke! I had a feeling she was a wee tipsy! ...Oh my, puke! I had a feeling she was a wee tipsy! This scene moves fast, a bit jarring, but also I like it because that goes along with the idea of being on a dance floor. The pace works well. Perhaps expand upon the "feeling in my arms" to be more sensory. Maybe add in a bit more internal sensations of what it's like to hold her? What about her hair brushing his skin? And I'm not sure "claps" her eyelashes together is the best verb? Overall, I enjoyed it. :) Jean M. Granthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12495227043618994354noreply@blogger.com