tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5303040656533003344..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent Contest #17Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29940675213115689402011-08-19T02:34:58.766-04:002011-08-19T02:34:58.766-04:00Thanks, everyone for your comments, especially the...Thanks, everyone for your comments, especially the SA. I went back and analyzed the scene through fresh eyes and fixed the issue you pointed out. I dropped the second paragraph and delayed the mention of the leprechaun until Frank called him one.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23634117195556017032011-08-19T00:13:53.866-04:002011-08-19T00:13:53.866-04:00Definitely an odd world we've entered, but I&#...Definitely an odd world we've entered, but I'm not a fan of the quick download of intel to get us oriented to this world. I prefer a more gradual assimilation into strange worlds. In general, just too much telling, not enough showing.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43299713116923103032011-08-18T08:56:55.437-04:002011-08-18T08:56:55.437-04:00I thought this worked really well. My only sugges...I thought this worked really well. My only suggestions -<br /><br />Parg 2 - That's what I 'had' to work with, to keep everything in past tense. And I'd cut - respect the dead. He's a leprechaun.<br /><br />I did like the idea of Investigating the Gold Exchange. So may ideas came to mind!<br /><br />Good luck with it!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61536699256643994392011-08-18T07:17:16.898-04:002011-08-18T07:17:16.898-04:00I love the originality of this and the humorous vo...I love the originality of this and the humorous voice. I've been very pro-leprechaun since reading "American Gods!" Sounds like the rules of your world are well ordered too. <br /><br />I also don't think the last sentence is necessary - you may be trading too heavily on the originality of the leprechaun idea - but that's nitpicky. I'd love to read this.Dayspringnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55675479841573926172011-08-17T20:46:23.151-04:002011-08-17T20:46:23.151-04:00I'd keep reading. It starts strong and leaves ...I'd keep reading. It starts strong and leaves me wanting to know who killed the leprechaun! Good job.scubasteve4noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88799120870799319722011-08-17T13:44:47.215-04:002011-08-17T13:44:47.215-04:00I really like the idea of having such parallel bet...I really like the idea of having such parallel between what a real medical examiner would find and one that works on magical creatures. I liked the voice of the main character and her sarcasm.<br /><br />I got a bit confused like Elemarth did about who was talking-if she was talking into the recorder or playing it back.<br />I also didn't get that she was insulting the leprechaun by calling him a s*** but rather she didn't have anything to report.<br /><br />Your story sounds fun and like something I'd like to read.Mermaid0614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36832653654476464082011-08-17T12:29:26.330-04:002011-08-17T12:29:26.330-04:00This is a good place to start the story, and I lik...This is a good place to start the story, and I like what you're writing! It sounds both exciting and fun, and I'd definitely keep reading.<br /><br />There are some things a bit confusing at the beginning - such as who is talking. I assume it's her recording herself, but I wish you'd said she was talking into the voice recorder. She could, theoretically, be listening to something already recorded. Then, what was she expecting besides a dead leprechaun? A live leprechaun? A vampire that would give the clues to the leprechaun's death? I mean, this case is about a murdered leprechaun, so of course that's what she's working with.<br /><br />"his shoes which seemed permanently shined." sounds awkward to me. I would say something like "his permanently shined shoes" or "the seemingly permanent shine of his shoes". Even substituting "that" for "which" could help.<br /><br />I'm also not sure about the last sentence. Do you mean, "Don't call him shit, call him a leprechaun"? Otherwise, I'm trying to figure out why him being a leprechaun is important enough to comment on. It's not like she didn't notice.Elemarthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682542694283794273noreply@blogger.com