tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5432578903557101020..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 24 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54921852515993151062009-11-05T16:39:02.003-05:002009-11-05T16:39:02.003-05:00Somewhat intrigued by the house.
I'd cut th...Somewhat intrigued by the house. <br /> <br />I'd cut the last sentence of the second paragraph; it doesn't seem to add much.<br /> <br />Your first and last sentences contradict each other, so you may want to rethink one or both of those.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43735441234499187462009-11-04T23:50:44.147-05:002009-11-04T23:50:44.147-05:00Makes me think of Mary Stewart stories - the setti...Makes me think of Mary Stewart stories - the setting being a strong part of the narrative.<br /><br />Hooked.<br /><br />Good job.Critter Catnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41021950517221720652009-11-04T23:23:18.998-05:002009-11-04T23:23:18.998-05:00I like the voice and the imagery. It's all wo...I like the voice and the imagery. It's all working for me. I'd want to know what comes next.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81673092840774889282009-11-04T19:05:51.975-05:002009-11-04T19:05:51.975-05:00I'd read on, but I had the same issue as Julie...I'd read on, but I had the same issue as Julie.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50587223187361535352009-11-04T18:43:59.508-05:002009-11-04T18:43:59.508-05:00Love the phrase "smell of old wood and myster...Love the phrase "smell of old wood and mystery." <br /><br />Of course, the first thing that pops into my head was who doesn't have air conditioning in a car...especially in North Carolina? <br /><br />Love the "gravelly smoker's throat." Very descriptive. <br /><br />I agree with the others. I'm confused by the doubting she'd like the place when she's already gone on about how she liked the in the opening paragraph. I figured it was love at first sight. <br /><br /><br />Good luck!Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71447603120499089882009-11-04T13:55:19.154-05:002009-11-04T13:55:19.154-05:00Well-written, but I would have liked some more for...Well-written, but I would have liked some more foreshadowing of what's to come.Travenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05160810997837674165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2275815597056033462009-11-04T13:34:21.680-05:002009-11-04T13:34:21.680-05:00I really like this – all the little details. The ...I really like this – all the little details. The smell of the house, and the black-and-white, and the smoker’s voice on the real estate agent. You have a really good voice going. Bravo! I’d read on.Momwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66706409351034038312009-11-04T13:22:18.022-05:002009-11-04T13:22:18.022-05:00Sounds like the kind of story I would like, but I,...Sounds like the kind of story I would like, but I, too, was confused by how she said she loved it before she saw it, but then said "I doubted it ..." when the agent said she'd love it.<br /><br />The repetition of the word "pines" in the first paragraph doesn't work for me. I would tend to cut that sentence and go on, or at least the second half of the sentence.<br /><br />I think your narrator ruminates a little much in the second paragraph.<br /><br />Overall, I'm not quite hooked, but I think it has great potential with a bit of tweaking and tightening! The premise of the house is nice.Julie Twonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72261241148183838222009-11-04T13:18:00.176-05:002009-11-04T13:18:00.176-05:00I agree with the other commenters that there's...I agree with the other commenters that there's a bit of time sequencing that doesn't work here. 1st & last lines, specifically. The imagery is good, and I like how we immediately get into the protagonist's head and that she's hashing out why she thinks the way she does. Perhaps provide more description about the agent off the bat. We want to get to know the characters immediately. I would read on!Lori Gordonhttp://lorigordon.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92047599866839152442009-11-04T12:32:01.176-05:002009-11-04T12:32:01.176-05:00Moderately hooked. My only suggestion would be to ...Moderately hooked. My only suggestion would be to cut the first paragraph, which reads like mysterious introduction for the sake of mysterious introduction.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89901925621769513302009-11-04T12:28:52.902-05:002009-11-04T12:28:52.902-05:00I liked this and would read on. Just one thing bo...I liked this and would read on. Just one thing bothered me. <br /><br />She seemed to like everything about the house...but then in the last line she says she doubts she'd going to like it but she hopes she does. <br /><br />That through me off.Julienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39621307837145820932009-11-04T11:35:21.589-05:002009-11-04T11:35:21.589-05:00I would read more...I like the idea of knowing som...I would read more...I like the idea of knowing something is going to happen in or because of this new house. But to me, the first paragraph is unnecessary telling. I think the story starts with paragraph two, although still, it's a lot of telling to start a story. I like the internal voice of the narrator though, so I'd want to know what was next. <br /><br />To me, the fact that the mc's thoughts went away and her first words were to ask about the price SHOW me that she is taken with the house immediately. I prefer that to being told.<br /><br />Good luck!Amy Sue Nathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13854920309673361956noreply@blogger.com