tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5554606514960298288..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #45Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34878706427741176792012-09-10T06:11:40.992-04:002012-09-10T06:11:40.992-04:00I felt like the after-life pondering went on about...I felt like the after-life pondering went on about four times longer than necessary. Also, introduce the MC by name almost immediately--it could have been done in the first line of this entry, and it would have given me more of a stake in the story.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38754617964884917862012-09-06T20:13:33.570-04:002012-09-06T20:13:33.570-04:00The questions are fascinating, but I think you'...The questions are fascinating, but I think you'll want the reader to connect with Amber more quickly. Root us in the scene with some sensory details, and give us an idea of the conflict. We'll be more likely to get in Amber's head once we get to know her and her situation better.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04197971968614987477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77250553330807105672012-09-06T03:30:33.282-04:002012-09-06T03:30:33.282-04:00The deep questions might have been interesting if ...The deep questions might have been interesting if they didn't go on so much. It just felt laboured and repetitive. Also, I didn't think 'Rest in Peace' should have been included in the first sentence; it looked like it would sat better as a sentence on it's own, rather than comma'd in.<br /><br />I switched off reading this. Less waxing philosophical -- I felt beat around the head with how 'deep' Amber is!Vicorvahttp://victoria.boulton.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30588044431447268582012-09-05T23:58:09.194-04:002012-09-05T23:58:09.194-04:00I have to agree with everyone else. I found mysel...I have to agree with everyone else. I found myself skimming through the excerpt, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the novel. I will say, though, that the first question was engaging. Good luck!Megan C.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49325282238711382312012-09-05T21:16:00.943-04:002012-09-05T21:16:00.943-04:00I also thought this was an essay. I have to admit ...I also thought this was an essay. I have to admit to skimming as well. You don't want your reader skimming in just the first 250 words. Start with a simple opening like Princess Sara suggested and work your main character in right away. I like idea, but was a bit put off by the rhetorical questions.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01978474302944767837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58619474609640043942012-09-05T19:34:33.337-04:002012-09-05T19:34:33.337-04:00Ditto to the comments above. I'm more interest...Ditto to the comments above. I'm more interested in the last sentence. Why is the MC pondering this? What type of person is she? Her conflict?Sujahttp://wordsofwisdomearth.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25176051639743435142012-09-05T19:34:33.060-04:002012-09-05T19:34:33.060-04:00Ditto to the comments above. I'm more interest...Ditto to the comments above. I'm more interested in the last sentence. Why is the MC pondering this? What type of person is she? Her conflict?Sujahttp://wordsofwisdomearth.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76718852950961487672012-09-05T19:16:33.550-04:002012-09-05T19:16:33.550-04:00Agreed. It felt like an essay, not fiction. Pare ...Agreed. It felt like an essay, not fiction. Pare down.Heidi Schulzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11820817760639108191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49842804669928843472012-09-05T18:13:36.856-04:002012-09-05T18:13:36.856-04:00Yep, I found myself skimming through the questions...Yep, I found myself skimming through the questions. This started to sound like a world religion text book intro. I wasn't hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01052604405996474436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63725476050309622472012-09-05T17:40:18.395-04:002012-09-05T17:40:18.395-04:00I agree with the others--cut back on the questioni...I agree with the others--cut back on the questioning. Even knowing this blog is not for writers of nonfiction, I wound up scrolling back up just to confirm a nonfiction entry didn't somehow slip in.<br /><br />And where is Amber, and what happened to her to trigger her question(s)? I need some context, and would prefer to get at least some of it in those first 250 words. :)Amanda Hhttp://amandahelms.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91666667011765003202012-09-05T16:29:41.809-04:002012-09-05T16:29:41.809-04:00I'm with those who suggested cutting most of t...I'm with those who suggested cutting most of the questioning. As the beginning stands now, your character feels tacked on because there's no mention of her until that last sentence. If you're really attached to the opening ideas, spread them throughout the first chapter or two in the form of dialogue. Otherwise, they don't serve much of a purpose. <br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19200187430620241702012-09-05T13:50:15.120-04:002012-09-05T13:50:15.120-04:00I like Chris's idea about discussing it with t...I like Chris's idea about discussing it with two characters. I hate to belabor what everyon else has already said, but it was disorienting having so many questions posed to the reader without knowing who was posing them. Then when you mentioned Amber I felt thrown for a loop. Try bantering with another character. This might help fix that. Good luck. :)The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62218647219979005692012-09-05T13:37:31.248-04:002012-09-05T13:37:31.248-04:00I agree with the comments above that the questions...I agree with the comments above that the questions became redundant by the end of the page. <br />Having your MC talking with a friend about this, or maybe even someone who disagrees with the MC about 'resting in peace' might make for a scene with interesting banter.<br />Good luck. ChrisBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41592012608601320802012-09-05T13:10:52.246-04:002012-09-05T13:10:52.246-04:00I have to agree that the questions felt redundant ...I have to agree that the questions felt redundant and bit like a lecture. I was totally thrown when the I read the last line. Maybe you could insert your character sooner, so I felt like I was in her head.<br />Good luck.Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071535816891378260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21934783665987925412012-09-05T11:54:06.940-04:002012-09-05T11:54:06.940-04:00I agree with Princess Sara, although I think you c...I agree with Princess Sara, although I think you could maybe keep "By wishing Rest in Peace, are we wishing for the departed to spend eternity repeating actions that have lost any sense of satisfaction?"<br /><br />I think a lot of the other "questioning" was just repeating the same thought and was a bit slow to read.K Callardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60541981885581700842012-09-05T10:30:11.892-04:002012-09-05T10:30:11.892-04:00I'm afraid I have to disagree with Daniel. Th...I'm afraid I have to disagree with Daniel. The original question ("do we really want rest after death?") is fascinating and establishes Amber as a deep thinker. The belaboring of that question in the rest of the page felt like a lecture to the reader, rather than Amber's thoughts. Trust your readers--we can ponder the implications of the original question ourselves without almost a page of guidance!<br /><br />I would cut everything but these lines:<br /><br /><i>Rest in Peace. The phrase is simple enough, but do we really want rest after death?<br /><br />Amber L’Vera couldn’t help but ponder this as she thought back on the last few days.</i>Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74474176891550146492012-09-05T10:04:43.859-04:002012-09-05T10:04:43.859-04:00All of the questions raised are fascinating to pon...All of the questions raised are fascinating to ponder and I did not feel they were intrusive or frustrating - criticisms I have heard before about posing questions at the beginning of a manuscript. Without even intorducing the character (until the end) you've already established her as a deep-thinker who would likely be a very interesting guide in the story to come. Given all that, I would certainly want to read on to discover what very unique situation she finds herself in.Danielnoreply@blogger.com