tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5611067763933544979..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: 18 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1975810612626080872009-03-30T08:52:00.000-04:002009-03-30T08:52:00.000-04:00I actually kind of liked the slow lead in, it made...I actually kind of liked the slow lead in, it made the abuse angle catch my interest because it seemed a little incongruous. Based on this 250 words, I'd totally want to read this book.<BR/><BR/>However, having read the comment about what the novel is actually about, I don't think I'd keep reading. Seems like for what the plot is, this isn't the right tone/place to start in my opinion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23196298772158082372009-03-21T23:44:00.000-04:002009-03-21T23:44:00.000-04:00Your main character's daughter has been kidnapped?...Your main character's daughter has been kidnapped? I think that is where you need to start not with the abuse. If my daughter was kidnapped my every thought would drift to her. I definately couldn't go through an entire shower without thinking of her at least once.<BR/><BR/>Also, why is she showering in the first place? If she is trying to sneak away from her husband to find the serial killer who claims to know where her daughter is, why would she shower? Is being clean really important at that moment?<BR/><BR/>Hope this helps.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79395732022081431212009-03-21T16:19:00.000-04:002009-03-21T16:19:00.000-04:00If you opened with "I opened my eyes and turned......If you opened with "I opened my eyes and turned...." that would do it nicely. The first part of the paragraph is a little much, plus, I can't get the picture out of my mind of a female statue with water squirting from the pointed breasts. <BR/><BR/>That would give you more words to use to explain her predicament. For someone who expects to get beat up, she seems to be taking it as par for the course. I don't understand. <BR/><BR/>The voice in her head vies for attention? Her thoughts on whatever subject will hold her attention, don't you think? Maybe you can say it differently?<BR/><BR/>Sorry, there isn't enough here for me to make a judgement whether to continue.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87992126546264845942009-03-20T14:50:00.000-04:002009-03-20T14:50:00.000-04:00I agree about the length of time spent on the show...I agree about the length of time spent on the shower, and, ultimately, about the discomfort about reading about the abuse (and the conflicting emotions that come from being abused by someone you love). This scene could actually be stretched out considerably, bringing in background, and it might make the bruising/busted lip more bearable to read. Also, I find that it is rare to find a successful novel with even a disingenuously sensual description of breasts in paragraph 1. This isn't ready, even if it does have an interesting premise. It just shouldn't become a series of too-vivid abuse scenes. That becomes gratuitous.<BR/><BR/>SAAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17493734912208116972009-03-20T07:24:00.000-04:002009-03-20T07:24:00.000-04:00I couldn't read this to the end. As soon as I real...I couldn't read this to the end. As soon as I realized what it was about I stopped. It's nothing personal. I like the narrative flow and the voice. It's just that yesterday an abusive father killed his wife, his son and two of his step-children plus a friend of his son just 10 miles from my home (and we are living in a very, very rural area). So I just couldn't read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53323015143858523712009-03-19T20:30:00.000-04:002009-03-19T20:30:00.000-04:00Great description, but I did think that the first ...Great description, but I did think that the first para went on a bit too long. I liked that last one very much (nb 'peeling', though).McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37497798590884338752009-03-19T18:13:00.000-04:002009-03-19T18:13:00.000-04:00The last paragraph hooked me, but not the rest. Y...The last paragraph hooked me, but not the rest. You spend a full 138 words describing a shower. That didn’t really hook me, as nothing unusual or suspenseful happened in the shower. I think if you just mentioned the MC coming out of the bathroom, and leading into the part about her locked up slippers, purse, and keys, it would be a much stronger opening.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2007119859539284132009-03-19T11:17:00.000-04:002009-03-19T11:17:00.000-04:00Author Here: I wanted to thank everyone for your c...Author Here: I wanted to thank everyone for your comments and add one of my. You've only 250 words, and it's not enough to learn Joyce isn't not running away, but chasing a serial killer. Daniel will do anything to stop her because he's been working for the man who kidnapped their daughter.(the killers grandfather) Right now all Joyce knows is her husband of 17 years has started hitting her and a serial killer claims to know where her daughter is.(This much is dealt with within the first pages) <BR/><BR/>I've struggled with the abuse-its a heavy topic and hard to balance without overwhelming the rest of the story. Unfortunately its necessary and cannot be written out. I have a lot to think about and this just maybe something I have to shelve, until I have more skill and am able to write it better. Anyway thanks for your input. You've all been very helpful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21095760930295921202009-03-19T10:59:00.000-04:002009-03-19T10:59:00.000-04:00It sounds like a really interesting concept, and y...It sounds like a really interesting concept, and you did a good job at creating a creepy atmostphere, but there was a little too much description for me in the first paragraph. Basically, if you could cut it down a bit, the hook at the end of the para would really stand out. <BR/><BR/>I'd read on though, just to see what happens!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44924694670182599962009-03-19T06:47:00.000-04:002009-03-19T06:47:00.000-04:00Too many confused sensations in the first paragrap...Too many confused sensations in the first paragraph for me. Sorry. I was waiting for the knife through the shower curtain a la Psycho.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6560762760271235602009-03-18T23:56:00.000-04:002009-03-18T23:56:00.000-04:00I think there are a lot of conflicting emotions he...I think there are a lot of conflicting emotions here. <BR/>1. Pleasant taste of water<BR/>2. Nausea in a comfort zone (???)<BR/>3. Turns the water too hot<BR/>4. Pleasure tingled in her skin<BR/>5. Afraid the noise might wake Daniel<BR/>6. A whispered plea<BR/>7. PeEling linoleum makes her skin crawl <BR/>8. Hated walking on the carpet<BR/><BR/>Okay, this all seems contrived. It's like you're trying too hard to put in emotions, but they're all over the place. I'd either like to be really close to this MC, her fear and panic and maybe anger? at Daniel and possibly upsetting him. Or I'd like to be really distant from her, like she's so beaten down that she doesn't really have much emotion left to show. Does that make sense? But this all over the place isn't really working for me.<BR/><BR/>That being said, I'd definitely read on to find out how she's going to get away from Daniel.Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52035015886491329452009-03-18T19:50:00.000-04:002009-03-18T19:50:00.000-04:00There is only the barest hint of an interesting pr...There is only the barest hint of an interesting premise -- not enough to keep me reading unless there was a really strong blurb promising a great story. The writing needs to be polished -- this is a case where writing might stop me from reading on. <BR/><BR/>I think the way you've handled the internal monologue is a bit awkward. <BR/><BR/>"Peeling" instead of "pealing".<BR/><BR/>Can she identify 1960s shag? Can I? Just keep it at "shag" or 'filthy shag' and you've succeeded in giving me the right mental image. <BR/><BR/>I personally hate the word 'rivulets' -- it feels too contrived and writerly. When I read it, the word takes me right out of the story and makes me think of the writer. I don't think that is a good thing. <BR/><BR/>Her senses seem jumbled and contradictory -- nausea, pleasure, the metallic taste of water (?) pleasant -- to me, if the water tastes metallic, I think it might be contaminated. <BR/><BR/>She's bruised and hurt and I sense that she is Daniel's captive, yet I don't get a sense of panic from her.Elizabeth Lundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09225460715942282133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62211823832533942872009-03-18T18:22:00.000-04:002009-03-18T18:22:00.000-04:00Some of the images aren't clear to me. For exampl...Some of the images aren't clear to me. For example, when you duck your face under a hot shower, you aren't going to open your mouth to breathe. Also, I'm not really sure how nausea can float within a comfort zone. And then other images are too clear. "I rotated until the heat became too much, then clasped the knob, and cranked the faucet off."<BR/><BR/>I just think this neads focus. Writing is so much about knowing what details to leave out and what to keep. She's burning herself clean. There's a three day old bruise on her cheek. She's a hostage in her own home. That seems to be what's important here.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87716265898169045472009-03-18T17:28:00.000-04:002009-03-18T17:28:00.000-04:00Would I read more?? Definitely.Very good writing....Would I read more?? Definitely.<BR/><BR/>Very good writing. <BR/><BR/>I agree that there is too much 'shower' description in the first paragraph. Still, that aside, I'd definitely keep reading.Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06905515473737579937noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53118815576481374172009-03-18T15:56:00.000-04:002009-03-18T15:56:00.000-04:00Yes, hooked. I'd read on.Typo: "pealing linoleum" ...Yes, hooked. I'd read on.<BR/><BR/>Typo: "pealing linoleum" should be "peeling linoleum" ;)H. L. Dyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11054946734073372817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86847420861848830442009-03-18T13:56:00.000-04:002009-03-18T13:56:00.000-04:00Yes, hooked. Creep. :[Yes, hooked. <BR/><BR/>Creep. :[Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53574575766061508242009-03-18T12:46:00.000-04:002009-03-18T12:46:00.000-04:00I thought the writing in the first paragraph was v...I thought the writing in the first paragraph was very good, but I wondered if we really need this much description of the narrator showering. I mean, when I'm showering I am not thinking about water running on various parts of me. Also, it seemed like she was enjoying the shower quite a bit, but then we find out she's basically being kept and abused by this guy (at least that is what I assumed). I thought perhaps it would be better to start with her worry that the shower would wake him up - maybe describing what she does in the shower to keep quiet?Nikki Hootmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07822374543666736547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56724974746779353822009-03-18T12:29:00.000-04:002009-03-18T12:29:00.000-04:00Agree with first - your writing is very descriptiv...Agree with first - your writing is very descriptive and I am immediately sorry for your narrator. I can feel her pain. Well written.Jessie Harrellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11581727105030086814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54595620220710465672009-03-18T12:11:00.000-04:002009-03-18T12:11:00.000-04:00Wow- what an interesting begining. It may be a bit...Wow- what an interesting begining. It may be a bit out of my genre but I think the writing is certainly descriptive and you've painted a clear picture of what this character is up against. Good writing and good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com