tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5639512602422681286..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Session One: #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40256550449029176532010-10-23T10:41:39.595-04:002010-10-23T10:41:39.595-04:00Aren't loglines so very difficult? I think I h...Aren't loglines so very difficult? I think I hate trying to write a logline. Anyway, my thoughts... It drew me in and I liked it, but I agree with the suggestion from S. Kyle Davis. It might make it tighter. Sorry I'm not much help...Marne Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05981717156518711702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76414663611421275302010-10-22T00:22:11.013-04:002010-10-22T00:22:11.013-04:00I agree with all the other comments. You're t...I agree with all the other comments. You're telling me something more of the inciting conflict, a decision, not hinting at the climax of the story. Find your climax, and find a way to show the audience what that might be.<br /><br />Is the climax of your book Airaldi deciding to use her magic, or is it something else? If it is just making this decision, then…well, I dunno, I guess I wouldn’t read the book. If it’s not, then you need to change the logline.theflightytemptresshttp://theflightytemptress365.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1601666026243625202010-10-21T17:41:34.603-04:002010-10-21T17:41:34.603-04:00I think what everyone's pointing to here is th...I think what everyone's pointing to here is that this is a decision, not a conflict. There is no goal.<br /><br />Other than that, I found the mention of Actae very distracting/confusing. I don't know if this is a world, country, village, or person at first. We don't need a name here. Instead, just say "When invaders attack Thera Airaldi's [world, country, whatever], leaving hundreds injured, she must decide..." You can smooth that out better, but you get the idea.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59480899160203890382010-10-21T17:11:52.044-04:002010-10-21T17:11:52.044-04:00I agree that it sounds like a scene. What are the...I agree that it sounds like a scene. What are the underlying problems. why are they attacked? Why is healing bad? How might she lose her life? You need more specifics.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52992167636851828892010-10-21T15:10:00.435-04:002010-10-21T15:10:00.435-04:00This sounds almost exactly like Janice Hardy's...This sounds almost exactly like Janice Hardy's THE SHIFTER, which came out last year. I'm sure it's quite a bit different, but you don't highlight that here.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22221569975291379902010-10-21T14:54:09.859-04:002010-10-21T14:54:09.859-04:00It tells the conflict, but right now the wording i...It tells the conflict, but right now the wording is not exciting enough to hook me and it seems to also lack the author's voice.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31581524848472547392010-10-21T14:53:19.793-04:002010-10-21T14:53:19.793-04:00I agree. I'm hoping this isn't a summary o...I agree. I'm hoping this isn't a summary of the entire book. Unless it's a short story. (Read- Under 5K words).Dr. Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6814166037923859672010-10-21T14:36:19.073-04:002010-10-21T14:36:19.073-04:00So this seems like a pretty good summary of act on...So this seems like a pretty good summary of act one, but then what? What does she decide to do? Who tries to stop her?Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37639550162581252612010-10-21T13:46:29.520-04:002010-10-21T13:46:29.520-04:00Not quite hooked - the first sentence is interesti...Not quite hooked - the first sentence is interesting, but I want a stronger/more detailed consequence so that I can really start caring about what happens to her. I like Steena's suggestion above!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42247668602173782892010-10-21T13:28:10.158-04:002010-10-21T13:28:10.158-04:00You say that Thera must decide whether to use her ...You say that Thera must decide whether to use her powers she's kept secret or ... you left off the other part of her choice. Why is it bad to have healing powers? I'm not getting how it's a hard choice for her. <br /><br />What about something like ... "Thera Airaldi struggles with her desire to use her secret healing powers to help those ... even though she knows it goes against (society rules ??? ... explain why it's bad) and could leave her with a death sentence (here's where you show us the consequence).<br /><br />Give us more and we'll care enough about Thera to want to read :)Steena Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03585255306121495098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38085451053484311842010-10-21T13:19:24.914-04:002010-10-21T13:19:24.914-04:00This one - sounds more like the line for a single ...This one - sounds more like the line for a single scene rather than for an entire plot.<br /><br />I'm intrigued, but if it's a choice between "losing respect" and "hundreds of people might die" I'm finding the stakes hard to connect to.Tamihttp://tamimoore.comnoreply@blogger.com