tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5679452305862566975..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #14Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20931437712028158142016-01-19T08:24:48.570-05:002016-01-19T08:24:48.570-05:00I think this works pretty well- I wasn't lost ...I think this works pretty well- I wasn't lost at all on who is speaking (which is tough to achieve in such a small snippet). If you are looking for things to cut, I think you can chop "making a batch of fresh bread for the dinner rush." Only other thing I would recommend is not to have Tess eating "something," just say it's gelato. Also don't say "which one?" - that was the only thing that hitched me. Say "which one do you have?" or "what flavor's that?" Pantomime and try out several to see which feels more natural for the actions and the character, but sometimes you have to add just a couple words or a "that" to keep the reader from being confused.<br />Good luck!Rocket Ma'amhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18048400855966871949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42707290333337881362016-01-16T16:28:41.017-05:002016-01-16T16:28:41.017-05:00I thought your dialogue worked fine and didn't...I thought your dialogue worked fine and didn't have any trouble following it with the tags provided, which all seemed appropriate.<br /><br />I did have some thoughts about the overall snippet, however. I'm not sure Annalisa would say the guy probably knew "ny family" owned the shop, since she was with family, or if she would simply say he knew "we" own the shop. <br /><br />Also, perhaps since she was in a hurry to leave, she might have made some excuse for leaving rather than say she was fine, especially since she remarked about 'anything to get out of work.'<br /><br />lavender gelato sounds interesting. good luck with this!<br />Sissybabynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37321449503921095472016-01-14T15:48:08.231-05:002016-01-14T15:48:08.231-05:00Nice scene. I'm not sure why Annalisa told the...Nice scene. I'm not sure why Annalisa told the dad to leave Gemma alone. Unless she knows that Gemma is tired or was weirded out by the guy, it seems kind of harsh. I would expect people who know each other so well to talk as they work together.<br /><br />Annalisa asking about the boy felt out of the blue since Gemma's heading out the door and Annalisa just told the dad to stop making her tell stories. <br /><br />Instead of saying "which one" I would say "what flavor?" that way it is clear what Gemma is asking. <br /><br />I liked your last line!Tiffany Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08886386535104627513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10814905529034989202016-01-14T15:32:43.978-05:002016-01-14T15:32:43.978-05:00I'm just a little lost here -- it might be bec...I'm just a little lost here -- it might be because four characters are a lot to keep track of in dialogue (esp. when it's in the middle of a story). For example, I'm not sure what Gemma means when she says "any excuse to get out of work" because it doesn't seem like she's at work? Unless she works at the deli, but there isn't a mention of that. Gracenoreply@blogger.com