tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5709916804713430634..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #8Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17894536796131410022013-04-28T13:27:49.045-04:002013-04-28T13:27:49.045-04:00Once you switched tenses, you lost me. That makes ...Once you switched tenses, you lost me. That makes me reluctant to read further as it makes me worry that your manuscript isn't in proper shape.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31213351545494182052013-04-26T15:06:49.771-04:002013-04-26T15:06:49.771-04:00Smooth writing, and we get a nice hint of a myster...<br />Smooth writing, and we get a nice hint of a mystery here with the people in the windows, but that last parg. sounds like you’re about to venture off into backstory. Perhaps just get her on her run or whatever comes next and save the backstory for later, or have her think as she runs, just so the story keeps moving.<br /><br />Having read your comment, I'd suggest you don't go into backstory--not on your first few pages. Find a point where something actually happens and start there.<br />Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53029558340897341162013-04-25T16:21:58.803-04:002013-04-25T16:21:58.803-04:00Thanks to all. Your helpful comments point to all ...Thanks to all. Your helpful comments point to all the problems in starting the story, establishing character, place, time. Headaches all. Others have criticized waking up as a story start. I guess I could start with her running and work in the fact she's looking for her father and the backstory items re: her dog, family problems, etc. I'll work on it. Thanks again.author of this piecenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82730713793266355332013-04-25T14:13:12.229-04:002013-04-25T14:13:12.229-04:00I feel like this opening was trying just a little ...I feel like this opening was trying just a little too hard at a couple things: <br /><br />1) Getting in the info about the dog being an ex-police dog, at the expense of really grabbing the readers as much as it could. <br /><br />2) Pointing out how mysterious the little girl is. It doesn't feel casual, it feels forced, like the Cricks either have to be the villains or have to be a red herring. But the fun part of mysteries (to me, anyway) is delivering those little details in a way that the audience doesn't realize they're important until later. <br /><br />The last sentence is awkwardly phrased and almost feels like it was intended to be two sentences. I'm assuming it's a typo, which happens despite best efforts, I know.Katrina S. Foresthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00782678919561852444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76119766522575739882013-04-25T12:43:32.011-04:002013-04-25T12:43:32.011-04:00I'm afraid this didn't really hook me enou...I'm afraid this didn't really hook me enough to want to continue reading. I think the reason might be the place the story starts. Too many stories start with people waking up, because that's a convenient place to start. I'd avoid using it unless it's crucial to the plot (i.e. she woke to the sound of gunshots and glass shattering). <br /><br />So far you've described a normal morning of waking up and walking the dog. I suspect she will discover some clue to the mystery on that walk? If so, start there. <br /><br />If the dog is going to discover a body, start with her dog refusing to come when she calls him or bringing back a hand when they are placing fetch. You have action in this opening, but I think it needs to be action that relates to the plot of the story to come.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15341184992426022542013-04-24T19:21:29.169-04:002013-04-24T19:21:29.169-04:00This started well. I thought the voice in the firs...This started well. I thought the voice in the first paragraph was engaging and I liked the <i>Grease</i> reference. <br /><br />Unfortunately, the rest of it didn't live up to the beginning. The tense shifts that Girl Friday noted were distracting, but worse, for me, were the two chunks of backstory, about the dog and the narrator's family. I think both pieces of information could be worked in to the story later. Right now, I would like to see something happening in the present of the story, either more about the Cricks or (what I'm expecting), something that happens on the narrator's run. <br /><br />Good luck with this!Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6664339937499024142013-04-24T17:59:46.857-04:002013-04-24T17:59:46.857-04:00I like this, although I think the prose could flow...I like this, although I think the prose could flow better in a couple of spots, and his telling us about the Cricks seems a little unsubtle, I'd rather see them being odd than be told. But you've made me warm to your character and his dog already, so that's well done and I'd read on.<br /><br />Do be careful with your tenses - the whole thing is in past tense except for the second paragraph which is in the present tense. Personally, I think this kind of story would suit being in present tense all through. Good luck!Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89725921406673965442013-04-24T15:59:02.398-04:002013-04-24T15:59:02.398-04:00I liked the twist that the dog was the police scho...I liked the twist that the dog was the police school drop out. The narrator's style of description reminds me of a police report. I assume this is intentional and would be curious to see whether the narrator himself is a cop etc. Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04670814532936161172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7076769966704858082013-04-24T15:39:24.572-04:002013-04-24T15:39:24.572-04:00I'm not really hoooked, but I'm interested...I'm not really hoooked, but I'm interested enough in the voice and writing style to give this a few more pages. Also, I like mysteries.<br /><br />Most of all, I want this to start sooner. You take a lot of time with him waking up, but I'm not sure why (other than to slowly introduce him. Or her. I guess that's part of the issue, too.).<br /><br />If the Cricks are a major part of the mystery, then I want them sooner. (Maybe cut the Othello paragraph and move that till after he starts running.)<br /><br />Lastly, I feel like the language could be cleaned up some. For example, I'm not sure why "I'd never seen her outside and waved but she didn't move" is one sentence instead of two. Why are those two clauses connected?Andrewhttp://www.kozma.curragh-labs.org/blog/noreply@blogger.com