tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5785032859794005915..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Two (Adult Fiction) #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7319601824055925912014-01-24T04:59:40.560-05:002014-01-24T04:59:40.560-05:00My thought was that this was overwritten, that'...My thought was that this was overwritten, that's there's too much description of things that don't matter. <br /><br />The MC wakes, bruised and battered, in a forest. That's what happens here. All the rest is mostly description of movements, aches and pains, bruises, etc. What I wanted to know was why she's there, which she's just getting to at the end of the piece. <br /><br />Even though it is a waking up opening, it could work if you moved on a bit quicker. But if she's going to go over in her mind what happened, then perhaps that's the event you should begin with. <br /><br />You might also reconsider the logic of what you're writing. In the first sentence, a blast of frigid air 'caresses' her body. If it's a blast, and it's frigid, then it's probably not caressing. She has grass stuck to her lips and never wipes it away. If she jerks her chin off the grass, I assume she's lying on her stomach. Then she is lying semi-prone (sitting up?) which she couldn't do unless she was laying on her back. You refer to her 'mostly naked' body, but give us no clue as to how she's dressed. If you cut all the unnecessary description, then none of this matters. If you keep it, make sure it makes sense.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12794774536550317062014-01-23T16:36:13.710-05:002014-01-23T16:36:13.710-05:00Ah! Glad to see this truly is a paranormal romance...Ah! Glad to see this truly is a paranormal romance and not just a bizarre dream sequence. (It's surprising how many entries I've seen on this very website the past three years that begin with someone waking up from a dream where they are lost or running through a forest.)<br /><br />I agree, this might not be starting in the right place. The way it's presented seems more like a dream or a prologue. Either way, this reads like the aftermath of a fight, so maybe backing up would help, or even moving forward to where she is recovering from "another" episode (if that applies--assuming she is going through some supernatural change she doesn't have a handle on yet).<br /><br />Overall advice is to watch for how many ideas fill each sentence. Especially with a beginning, it might be better to slow down how many concepts and actions and thoughts encompass each line. Your first line could be three: Ella blinked awake. A blast of frigid air caressed her skin (or combine those two). In the distance, trickling water... etc. <br /><br />I like the detail that tells how her day usually began--in a warm bed--so we know this day is different. I would suggest that she not whisper to the wind since it seems more for the benefit of the reader. Perhaps show one paragraph of her searching, confused, and then move straight to the looming face, which is where it gets interesting. You can fill in the details later of dried blood, bruises and we don't need her spoken comments to no one given it's implied/shown already she is a mess and doesn't know what's going on. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89751648990750188102014-01-22T18:06:51.796-05:002014-01-22T18:06:51.796-05:00Jennifer Owen-Davies-Thanks for all your comments,...Jennifer Owen-Davies-Thanks for all your comments, and I agree I need to include a paragraph that leads up to this moment, thanks.Also, I really should have listed the genre as a paranormal romance. Ellam masters is a soul-shifter, but has been hunted through time as a witch. It is set in the present day, thanks again so much xxxjenniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08809000154442629663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7183606447694169152014-01-22T14:58:49.193-05:002014-01-22T14:58:49.193-05:00I found the first paragraph a little over descript...I found the first paragraph a little over descriptive for my personal tastes but you evoke the forest atmosphere well.<br /><br /> I think it is stronger without the internal dialogue. <i>Have I changed</i> suggests Ella is aware of an ability or a reason she might change but the reader has no clue. I think there is enough mystery here with Ella not knowing happened to her. iasahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17199686429685990360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2441431342119032042014-01-22T14:51:30.743-05:002014-01-22T14:51:30.743-05:00I also wanted to know more about "changing.&q...I also wanted to know more about "changing." And was troubled by the cliche waking up opening. But there was also a lot I liked here, especially combined with the title. I thought it read more like fantasy than romance though.<br />Stellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13328578657332047837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45983412150411751092014-01-22T13:41:09.470-05:002014-01-22T13:41:09.470-05:00I think the main issue here is not starting in the...I think the main issue here is not starting in the right place... We need to be invested in your character before we can care about her sudden, magical transportation. We need to see her in her normal (well, normal insofar as it's the day that everything goes awry...) life. The good news is that you already have your scene 2 or 3!, you just need to give us that extra beat or two before this so we have something to latch onto, first. rab2000noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79473885399748427962014-01-22T13:29:33.426-05:002014-01-22T13:29:33.426-05:00I, too, found it hard to pin down the setting here...I, too, found it hard to pin down the setting here. At first I thought this might be historical, then I thought time travel, and finally I wasn't sure.<br /><br />It also has to be said that waking-up openings are fairly cliche.<br /><br />This might be the rare case where it would actually be better to start a little earlier and ground us in Ella's world before she goes through whatever change has brought her to this place.Rebecca M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88600681165772279822014-01-22T11:33:41.612-05:002014-01-22T11:33:41.612-05:00This doesn't draw me in for one reason - its t...This doesn't draw me in for one reason - its two pages of "Hide what's going on from the reader." And that's not the same as suspense. Having you MC not remember what happened is one thing, but you reference things like "Have I changed?" but don't follow up with clues about what kind of "change" you're referring to, which just makes me (the reader) frustrated. (This can be a problem with starting mid-action. It's hard to ground readers while maintaining the tension.)<br /><br />I'm also finding a lack of detail about when this story is taking place. (The title makes me think more historical, but it could easily be contemporary paranormal since the only thing we're told is that Ella's in a forest.) <br /><br />I like your details. You are building a solid visual, despite the lack of bigger story context. And the story seems interesting, I just don't like so much "mystery" up front. A.G. Carpenterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07625944977710830629noreply@blogger.com