tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5924501611562261815..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: 34 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10136449174668869632010-01-16T08:00:12.008-05:002010-01-16T08:00:12.008-05:00I liked that the girl sounded and acted her age an...I liked that the girl sounded and acted her age and I'm intrigued by the old wizard. Like the comments above though, I didn’t understand this sentence>>'Would to the gods the wizard would go away.' I thought it was a typo too.<br /><br />I liked the way you wrote the rest of it and I would definitely read on to see why the wizard is so special.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7533063937406182772010-01-14T13:31:15.211-05:002010-01-14T13:31:15.211-05:00I really like this. I can't quite place it geo...I really like this. I can't quite place it geographically - seemed Japanese to me, until I noticed Anna's comment up there - but wherever it is, I can see this marketplace. And this singing wizard is intriguing (he sounds a little like Gilderoy Flockhart (or is it Lockhart?) from HARRY POTTER). I'd definitely read on.<br /><br />One small suggestion: The abundance of long dashes in the first paragraph was a bit overwhelming. I'm a long-dash fiend myself, and always have to snip dashes in my later drafts. You just might want to check that.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-853834651079841982010-01-14T05:05:21.943-05:002010-01-14T05:05:21.943-05:00I loved this, and not only because you used Finnis...I loved this, and not only because you used Finnish names. ;-) I'm very intrigued about the wizard and Aino's dislike of him, and would definitely read on!Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14337122129492998229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27414656681955803702010-01-13T23:47:51.080-05:002010-01-13T23:47:51.080-05:00I think this might work better if started at "...I think this might work better if started at "Adoring villagers..." There's intrigue and action at that moment. Everything leading up to it feels like backstory and infodumping. Ditto that the dialogue feels stilted, even for a high fantasy.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58324509270647882562010-01-13T19:12:25.518-05:002010-01-13T19:12:25.518-05:00I liked the idea that Aino is embarrassed by her m...I liked the idea that Aino is embarrassed by her mom. Very YA. I think you show this with the dialogue and can weave some of the first paragraph in later. <br /><br />I did get confused with the sentence that Stina quoted above. <br /><br />You paint vivid images of the scene with the wizard in the market and the villagers. I liked the last dialogue of the young man because it showed us what the wizard can do without telling us through narration.Natalie Aguirrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03756087804171246660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51213609914814487602010-01-13T19:02:30.612-05:002010-01-13T19:02:30.612-05:00You've used Finnish words and names, right? Wa...You've used Finnish words and names, right? Was this inspired by Kalevala? That has a great wizard and gods. <br /><br />I think this is funny, and I might read more (especially if it's inspired by Kalevala). I so get why the mother is practically drooling over this wizard and her daughter isn't. <br /><br />I didn't understand the sentence, "Would to the gods the wizard would go away?" Was that a typo or what? Or maybe I'm just dense.<br /><br />Good luck with it!Stinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30013752336754104442010-01-13T17:17:53.789-05:002010-01-13T17:17:53.789-05:00I like that the kid's embarrassed by her mothe...I like that the kid's embarrassed by her mother and her actions. Most people have experienced that so there's an instant connection with the character. By cutting the first paragraph, you can incorporate more dialogue and action to show her embarrassment and make the dialogue flow a bit more. Good luck!Maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03402266791214015301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21798861259396485432010-01-13T16:32:31.651-05:002010-01-13T16:32:31.651-05:00I agree with the suggestion that you completely cu...I agree with the suggestion that you completely cut the first paragraph. You don't tell us anything there that isn't shown in a more interesting way in the later paragraphs. (Except for her age and that needs to be worked in more naturally anyway.)Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17182951575531989338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23994496338383114372010-01-13T12:55:46.165-05:002010-01-13T12:55:46.165-05:00This has a nice tone, but something about it isn&#...This has a nice tone, but something about it isn't connecting with me 100%. Why is everyone so taken by this wizard, and why is she not? I see that she despises those who are fawning over him, but what makes her impervious?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21352526808594764262010-01-13T12:55:30.998-05:002010-01-13T12:55:30.998-05:00I'm intrigued. I'd read on.
The first par...I'm intrigued. I'd read on.<br /><br />The first paragraph is telling. Then in the next ones you show it. I'd drop the first paragraph and work in the little details below.<br /><br />This type of thing is a relatively easy fix. Like "Look daughter" and then you tag it as 'Her mother'. Removing these will tighten up your writing and make it flow smoother and faster.<br /><br />I'm interested in the magical songs and what this guy can do as well as why he's adored by the older generation, but not by the MC.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45470984349475316982010-01-13T12:47:26.363-05:002010-01-13T12:47:26.363-05:00A great feel for the setting and time right away. ...A great feel for the setting and time right away. <br /><br />I would not start the book off with a MC's age, however. But rather find a way to work it in subtly. Her age is not going to matter right off the bat. It is enough to know she's old enough to be embarrassed and young enough to have to shop with her mother.Jackeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03351019926958000627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45353635284151778712010-01-13T12:44:33.736-05:002010-01-13T12:44:33.736-05:00The dialogue seems a bit too rigid for me. There i...The dialogue seems a bit too rigid for me. There isn't a fluidity to it that a novel needs.<br /><br />I know that this is supposed to take place in another time and place, but there still needs to be a flow for the dialogue not to become daunting to get through.Christinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02200238579836754155noreply@blogger.com