tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6012798695473993120..comments2024-03-18T12:01:18.507-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #21Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31865506319899642472014-04-12T11:58:44.805-04:002014-04-12T11:58:44.805-04:00No. Too generic. There isn't enough informatio...No. Too generic. There isn't enough information for me to care about the character or the theft. Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44239253513556624712014-04-11T10:57:52.102-04:002014-04-11T10:57:52.102-04:00No. Because the title, genre, and opening line rem...No. Because the title, genre, and opening line remind me way too much of another YA fantasy novel called Shifter that starts with the main character stealing something (in the first line).Yttarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66140869877953023112014-04-11T07:39:36.543-04:002014-04-11T07:39:36.543-04:00No. This doesn't give me enough of a sense of ...No. This doesn't give me enough of a sense of the character or the situation for me to care.kristine Nhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08202917905756050811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52325041535809320832014-04-10T21:28:41.234-04:002014-04-10T21:28:41.234-04:00No. To me, this has the same problem as #30. If th...No. To me, this has the same problem as #30. If this isn't her first time stealing, what makes this a memorable place to start your story? This is too vague, I have no impression of the character, what's she's stealing, why, and what she thinks about any of it. <br /><br />Also, you have a MG Fantasy called 'The Shifter', starting off talking about stealing? Considering what a big seller Janice Hardy's "The Shifter" book/series is, I'd re-think the title, for one, and starting with theft.jhnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70836235702487897172014-04-10T19:17:31.314-04:002014-04-10T19:17:31.314-04:00No.
You've used your first sentence to tell u...No.<br /><br />You've used your first sentence to tell us what the story is 'not' about. It's not about Brae's first time stealing.<br /><br />So, what is it about? What did Brae steal? And from whom? And why? Put that in your first sentence.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19610974625314848272014-04-10T18:33:18.229-04:002014-04-10T18:33:18.229-04:00No. Too dry, need him/her in the act or just after...No. Too dry, need him/her in the act or just after (or before).don't hate menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65351090712498741232014-04-10T18:27:18.303-04:002014-04-10T18:27:18.303-04:00No. I like the idea but this reads like a first dr...No. I like the idea but this reads like a first draft attempt. I would want to see something a little more fresh to convey this idea.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65426492925796687022014-04-10T17:25:07.810-04:002014-04-10T17:25:07.810-04:00No. I'd prefer to see some action. Hard to do...No. I'd prefer to see some action. Hard to do, I know. But what do I care how many times Brea has stolen?Sarah Maury Swannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38486856560336962052014-04-10T16:32:09.648-04:002014-04-10T16:32:09.648-04:00No. There's nothing distinctive enough here, ...No. There's nothing distinctive enough here, and it feels like it's going to lead into something that's already been done many times. L.C. McGeheehttp://lcmcgehee.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76929838780462633662014-04-10T15:55:17.426-04:002014-04-10T15:55:17.426-04:00No. Maybe if you said what she was stealing: This ...No. Maybe if you said what she was stealing: This wasn't Brea's first time stealing, but it was the first time she'd.... Make it bigger and better. Stealing shouldn't be considered mundane, but it's not enough to grab me. Sorry. Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21370837036039484682014-04-10T15:08:55.442-04:002014-04-10T15:08:55.442-04:00No, not enough punch. Maybe show the act of steali...No, not enough punch. Maybe show the act of stealing instead (i'm not opposed to telling in an opening line, this just didn't have much juice)danikahttp://danikadinsmore.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73524470489345776332014-04-10T14:28:51.129-04:002014-04-10T14:28:51.129-04:00No. I'm not particularly interested in why thi...No. I'm not particularly interested in why this person's stealing. It doesn't draw me in.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18219883647458065443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35536433697384825772014-04-10T13:55:08.439-04:002014-04-10T13:55:08.439-04:00Yes. I want to know more about the stealing; why ...Yes. I want to know more about the stealing; why this time.Patricia Nesbittnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40744897174709326132014-04-10T09:01:25.025-04:002014-04-10T09:01:25.025-04:00No - Too mundane for me. Stealing isn't so sho...No - Too mundane for me. Stealing isn't so shocking that I feel the need to figure this MC out.therealtwinmomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84572730635569430162014-04-10T06:08:07.489-04:002014-04-10T06:08:07.489-04:00No. I didn't find it interesting. Nothing to d...No. I didn't find it interesting. Nothing to draw me in.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40006337376540342192014-04-10T02:42:32.017-04:002014-04-10T02:42:32.017-04:00No -- just. I'm definitely curious about what ...No -- just. I'm definitely curious about what she's stealing this time and how this time is different. But the way it's worded doesn't grab me. Starting with "this" weakened the punch. What if you had the narrator reflect on how previous thefts were easier/harder/somehow different to *show* rather than tell?BrigidGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78324434448233064392014-04-09T18:38:57.687-04:002014-04-09T18:38:57.687-04:00No. Agree that it's too passive. Show us her s...No. Agree that it's too passive. Show us her stealing, don't tell us. Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6238964421352000892014-04-09T16:43:34.543-04:002014-04-09T16:43:34.543-04:00Yes.
I want to know more about her situation and w...Yes.<br />I want to know more about her situation and why she has taken to a life of crime.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01021888227904891627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55985916720431715172014-04-09T15:05:38.105-04:002014-04-09T15:05:38.105-04:00Yes, but I'm going with yes based on potential...Yes, but I'm going with yes based on potential more than anything. Opening with theft is great, but I'd work on this opening to add some hint of Brae's character/voice. For example, "By the seventeenth time, thievery is easy," to establish that stealing began as a distasteful necessity, or "The second theft was than the first," to show that this isn't something the mc does often/naturally. Or if it is, say something to let us know Brae enjoys stealing. "This wasn't the first time main character did something shocking" is way too generic and not nearly creative enough, but you get a yes because I love fantasy, I like the name Brae, and I think you could polish this into a shining first line.lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06463788618127859718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90281920690632269682014-04-09T14:18:39.997-04:002014-04-09T14:18:39.997-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Meredithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18183264930900686084noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70658252584645888722014-04-09T14:09:21.973-04:002014-04-09T14:09:21.973-04:00No.
I'm interested in the character and the s...No. <br />I'm interested in the character and the story, but as a first line, it doesn't work. Show Brae in action. C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82983655873584290062014-04-09T14:08:33.265-04:002014-04-09T14:08:33.265-04:00No, but for the personal reasons that I get turned...No, but for the personal reasons that I get turned off by things like stealing, and without a character I'm invested in, I'm just turned off. Otherwise, it *seems* like we're settling into scene, so that's good.HepsebaALHHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52907589324928936722014-04-09T14:07:47.525-04:002014-04-09T14:07:47.525-04:00No
-because it's too vague. What are we steali...No<br />-because it's too vague. What are we stealing here? I think more details would clue the reader in to what's going on. As it stands, it just makes the MC seem unlikeable.Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5683228551102342572014-04-09T14:03:21.913-04:002014-04-09T14:03:21.913-04:00No, I'm okay with "telling" in a fir...No, I'm okay with "telling" in a first line, but this one doesn't tell me enough. I'd rather see him stuff something under his shirt and have this be the second or third line. On the other hand, I appreciate that it's short and simple.Heidi Stallmannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63198153776029336132014-04-09T13:29:36.639-04:002014-04-09T13:29:36.639-04:00Yes - It starts us immediately with action and con...Yes - It starts us immediately with action and conflict.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06213374083665800577noreply@blogger.com