tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6098982453446602578..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Death #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89224586519004211612020-09-24T09:03:56.794-04:002020-09-24T09:03:56.794-04:00nice!
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I'm always one step behind!<br />Well done!Write Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11243460609179141414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84731609327459655802010-06-11T16:54:33.549-04:002010-06-11T16:54:33.549-04:00Good job! Poor April was my first thought...so ob...Good job! Poor April was my first thought...so obviously I'm connecting to this character right away. I do agree, though, that maybe the second "Saving a boy" MIGHT be unnecessary. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78119709693550358432010-06-11T08:06:06.379-04:002010-06-11T08:06:06.379-04:00I liked this a lot. The last line was excellent. T...I liked this a lot. The last line was excellent. The only thing that struck me was when she said 'except for the whole rushing water thing'. It seemed a bit flippant but then people have different reactions to death and maybe that's what she would think. Great job.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47823838816247827892010-06-09T18:46:39.792-04:002010-06-09T18:46:39.792-04:00I, too, like this scene very much. You leave me wa...I, too, like this scene very much. You leave me wanting to read more. Nice job!Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14744317424383760819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22362426776930180722010-06-09T17:56:56.413-04:002010-06-09T17:56:56.413-04:00Very emotional, really pulls the reader into the s...Very emotional, really pulls the reader into the scene, which is great. I agree with Henya's comment that the part where April slides onto the floor should feel slower. Lengthening the sentences there should slow the pacing in that spot.<br /><br />The last paragraph is great because how she views the doctor tells a lot about April's character. She's very introspective and cares about how others feel. Great job!Cathionoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45335752719858835272010-06-09T17:12:05.833-04:002010-06-09T17:12:05.833-04:00This excerpt, the last line especially, is very po...This excerpt, the last line especially, is very powerful.<br /><br />My only nitpick is when you repeat "saving a boy." I understand that's April trying to digest the information, but I found it a bit jarring. If you maybe change the sentence before to, "I just saw my dad on the news, saving a boy," and then repeat those last three words, that may flow better.MKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26970447081566928412010-06-09T17:07:27.257-04:002010-06-09T17:07:27.257-04:00Really well done. Can't add anything more.Really well done. Can't add anything more.Patrickhttp://www.patrickvasarhelyi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19888498029906377232010-06-09T16:11:21.618-04:002010-06-09T16:11:21.618-04:00Very very well done. I wish I could give some advi...Very very well done. I wish I could give some advice, but the scene really seems to work great as is. :)Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78596265130533805532010-06-09T15:38:09.358-04:002010-06-09T15:38:09.358-04:00A scene in a hospital is always emotional. So, thi...A scene in a hospital is always emotional. So, this is good. There's a sense of loss and confusion.<br /><br />My only suggestion to you would be to vary your sentences. Many of them are short. Confusion and sadness should come slowly.<br /><br />When the girl falls to the floor, slow the scene a bit. Wallow in her shock. Let the reader feel it more.<br /><br />Nice job.Henyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14218132405687448085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41107084342094033712010-06-09T13:55:18.398-04:002010-06-09T13:55:18.398-04:00I agree with the emotional connect you achieve wit...I agree with the emotional connect you achieve with this scene. I did have to read it twice, because it's confusing, but the character's confused about what actually happened, so it works.<br /><br />I especially like the last line.Michellehttp://www.michellelbrown.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65368456623834044772010-06-09T13:47:01.405-04:002010-06-09T13:47:01.405-04:00Very vivid. Pulled me right in. I can't think...Very vivid. Pulled me right in. I can't think of anything to suggest.Joanna Hoythttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13447960126998692419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79854459943352528482010-06-09T13:40:18.854-04:002010-06-09T13:40:18.854-04:00Good job! That's really all I can say =).Good job! That's really all I can say =).Kathryn Packer Robertshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16506942804607936833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88496227182680115402010-06-09T13:18:08.201-04:002010-06-09T13:18:08.201-04:00Love this--I really feel for the girl! I like tha...Love this--I really feel for the girl! I like that you show exactly how the doctor is feeling as well.Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63585088409682122062010-06-09T11:39:24.964-04:002010-06-09T11:39:24.964-04:00I'd read more! Very convincing and totally be...I'd read more! Very convincing and totally believable. It made me want to call my dad...Artemis Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10849091563671031929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89492260875308981052010-06-09T11:28:13.656-04:002010-06-09T11:28:13.656-04:00OH, WOW. I very much liked this submission. I feel...OH, WOW. I very much liked this submission. I feel I am beside her or with the doctor. Excellent voice and tone. Gotta wipe the tears from my eyes, so, yeah, you got me into it big time.<br /><br />After searching diligently for something to criticize, the best I can come up with, it is too short. I want more.<br /><br />The last paragraph was especially good. It was real and having been in a similar position in my personal life, it is exactly what is going through your mind, noticing the inconsequential things around the room. The attitude is right on target.<br /><br />Good Job! I would read more.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com