tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6164671657308707614..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #40Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80976534617360996232013-06-29T13:52:57.038-04:002013-06-29T13:52:57.038-04:00Yes,I like the title and neighborhood details like...Yes,I like the title and neighborhood details like school bus, garage and beat up. Probably could do with a tiny bit of spice like could you squeeze in a reaction from the protag? A sign, a sick feeling, a heartbeat....?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12929402723483396832013-06-28T03:59:51.448-04:002013-06-28T03:59:51.448-04:00No - it seems to be setting the scene, as far as I...No - it seems to be setting the scene, as far as I know as a reader at this point, there's nothing significant about the Volvo being in the drive.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57241184049388654222013-06-28T03:13:19.727-04:002013-06-28T03:13:19.727-04:00No--Perhaps instead of saying Paige stepped off th...No--Perhaps instead of saying Paige stepped off the bus, which is mundane, show Paige having a reaction to the car in the driveway, so we get a sense of whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. And 'again' is a pivotal word. Perhaps let it stand alone as it's own one word sentence.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18409748452348646752013-06-28T00:47:14.675-04:002013-06-28T00:47:14.675-04:00No. I didn't grab my attention.No. I didn't grab my attention. KariSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15644746110690166842013-06-27T21:48:06.892-04:002013-06-27T21:48:06.892-04:00Almost. I like that the Volvo was beat-up, gives u...Almost. I like that the Volvo was beat-up, gives us an immediate sense of Kathy. But there is no reaction or sense of Paige in this sentence.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45702886745288122902013-06-27T20:59:01.004-04:002013-06-27T20:59:01.004-04:00No. Seems you could use a stronger way to say the ...No. Seems you could use a stronger way to say the car was there than "there was..." A visceral reaction to seeing it would up the stakes that are missing.The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46368578340473260182013-06-27T20:08:23.772-04:002013-06-27T20:08:23.772-04:00Yes. It was close, but like Cynthiarox66 said, the...Yes. It was close, but like Cynthiarox66 said, the "again" is what pushes it over.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90252868726609094852013-06-27T18:42:37.873-04:002013-06-27T18:42:37.873-04:00No. I'm on the fence, but leaning toward no. S...No. I'm on the fence, but leaning toward no. Sorry. It's not intriguing enough.Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53854313444450234602013-06-27T18:10:42.957-04:002013-06-27T18:10:42.957-04:00Yes. The "again" at the end makes all th...Yes. The "again" at the end makes all the difference--makes me want to know why this is a regular thing. Joan Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14241547000296152599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8216911085383957232013-06-27T18:07:41.889-04:002013-06-27T18:07:41.889-04:00Not yet, but you're close.Not yet, but you're close.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39532056971950911202013-06-27T17:17:34.336-04:002013-06-27T17:17:34.336-04:00I'd like it better if it were shorter, snappie...I'd like it better if it were shorter, snappier. Maybe: Kathy’s beat-up Volvo sat in the driveway again.erica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61972224768160501852013-06-27T16:38:26.125-04:002013-06-27T16:38:26.125-04:00Yes
I'm immediately wondering who Kathy is.Yes<br />I'm immediately wondering who Kathy is.<br />Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21816459603791685622013-06-27T16:32:25.890-04:002013-06-27T16:32:25.890-04:00No--I don't get the sense the story is beginni...No--I don't get the sense the story is beginning in the right place. What is significant about this day over every other day? Starting with the unusual is usually a great place to brainstorm a starting point, rather than stating what is normal, regular, not changed. Just some food for thought (cliche alert!).Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24168651578045078372013-06-27T16:20:10.243-04:002013-06-27T16:20:10.243-04:00No. I need to have a hint of why that beat up vol...No. I need to have a hint of why that beat up volvo matters to care.Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15455603565892802042013-06-27T16:15:47.913-04:002013-06-27T16:15:47.913-04:00No. Nothing to catch my interest. No. Nothing to catch my interest. Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57878561608280404432013-06-27T15:43:48.718-04:002013-06-27T15:43:48.718-04:00Qualified yes. I liked the hint that Paige is dism...Qualified yes. I liked the hint that Paige is dismayed to see Kathy's Volvo. I want to know why or what it foreshadows. But the set-up is a little on the mundane side.<br /><br />MollyBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46642897110829670662013-06-27T15:12:34.892-04:002013-06-27T15:12:34.892-04:00Yes. 'Again' is the promising word. the ne...Yes. 'Again' is the promising word. the next sentence or two would make or break this. First lines are hard!SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35306265348051184582013-06-27T14:33:46.150-04:002013-06-27T14:33:46.150-04:00Basically everything Christine just said, especial...Basically everything Christine just said, especially the part about YA just being an age group (rather than a genre). :)KOhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.com/current-projects/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23296253950464585302013-06-27T13:52:12.483-04:002013-06-27T13:52:12.483-04:00Yes?
Honestly, there's not a whole lot to go ...Yes?<br /><br />Honestly, there's not a whole lot to go off from this one sentence, not really enough for me to give it a yes or a no. But the voice is good, so I'd keep reading to see what this becomes. Also, I wish you'd given us the genre as a bit more to go off of. YA is just an age group.Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83513618961722508252013-06-27T13:34:33.844-04:002013-06-27T13:34:33.844-04:00Yes- the fact that Kathy drives a beat-up Volvo sa...Yes- the fact that Kathy drives a beat-up Volvo says something about her, and I'm curious to know why her being there AGAIN means something.DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80353083979306913932013-06-27T13:30:26.223-04:002013-06-27T13:30:26.223-04:00No (sorry!)
Nothing grabbed me.No (sorry!)<br /><br />Nothing grabbed me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69999792550870240192013-06-27T13:28:15.626-04:002013-06-27T13:28:15.626-04:00No
Nothing really grabbed me, though the writing ...No<br /><br />Nothing really grabbed me, though the writing was fine. This strikes me as maybe a first paragraph book, which some books just areSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18674150608023308732013-06-27T13:15:13.109-04:002013-06-27T13:15:13.109-04:00No. Maybe if I had a sense of whether she was happ...No. Maybe if I had a sense of whether she was happy, sad, scared, whatever of Kathy and her Volvo, but, lacking that, all this is is a girl seeing a car.K Callardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-336350847377002742013-06-27T12:40:21.128-04:002013-06-27T12:40:21.128-04:00No, this just feels too boring and everyday. It do...No, this just feels too boring and everyday. It doesn't give any sense of character either.Vicorvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01403847061872136521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28012737530401796892013-06-27T12:23:22.757-04:002013-06-27T12:23:22.757-04:00No to the actual sentence structure as it is now (...No to the actual sentence structure as it is now (someone geting off the bus feels too common to really grab interest), but I think "Kathy’s beat-up Volvo was in the driveway again." might possibly work on its own.Wade Whitenoreply@blogger.com