tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6213967606470646949..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Those Who Go Before Us: Critique #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76263918164205106932009-03-04T13:53:00.000-05:002009-03-04T13:53:00.000-05:00I would totally read on because I love dystopian/u...I would totally read on because I love dystopian/utopian fiction. I've even written one myself... ;) <BR/><BR/>I'm not sure I like the line, "Not that anyone had a choice." because obviously people do have a choice--but only if they're made of the right "stuff" as the author says later on. Living with the Pariahs, right? So, yeah, that line didn't work for me.<BR/><BR/>But otherwise, nicely done!Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18533395408518035272009-03-04T08:24:00.000-05:002009-03-04T08:24:00.000-05:00I would read on. I quite liked this. Where is he g...I would read on. I quite liked this. Where is he going and why? It seems like he's escaping from something to go somewhere. I want to know where and why, so I'm hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34723209581777399992009-03-04T01:43:00.000-05:002009-03-04T01:43:00.000-05:00I need some action or dialogue to make me want to ...I need some action or dialogue to make me want to read further. This comes off as too much telling and not enough showing through dialogue or interaction with others. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi and similar genres either, so I'm not sure how valuable my opinion is.Ashley Grahamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117850734221894809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25211810865062637082009-03-04T00:24:00.000-05:002009-03-04T00:24:00.000-05:00I didn't read any of the other comments before wri...I didn't read any of the other comments before writing mine.<BR/><BR/>For me, Eric sounds like a wimp. He's not willing to run away and live on this planet but then doesn't want to live under a bubble. I'm not convinced that he will find a way to get out from the bubble.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49933889682809011882009-03-03T23:31:00.000-05:002009-03-03T23:31:00.000-05:00This is much better. I was hooked from the beginni...This is much better. I was hooked from the beginning. I like the voice and I'm interested in Eric. Only thing is I don't like the genre. That would be the only reason for not reading on.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30608291752921657052009-03-03T23:06:00.000-05:002009-03-03T23:06:00.000-05:00This has potential and I would read on but the con...This has potential and I would read on but the contradictions bothered me too. I want to know more about Eric, the Pariahs, and the bubble. I liked the style of writing, in spite of the problems. Clean it up and I'm hooked.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7089396414804070902009-03-03T21:27:00.000-05:002009-03-03T21:27:00.000-05:00I agree with some other comments that the writing ...I agree with some other comments that the writing is a bit awkward in places. But the hints about the world Eric lives in are interesting and I'd like to hear more. I would read on for a bit to see what developed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36207850015188652752009-03-03T19:45:00.000-05:002009-03-03T19:45:00.000-05:00I really like this. The writer has created an atmo...I really like this. The writer has created an atmosphere which requires enormous skill to do. The words instill a sense of feeling in me for the world described. In the midst of the darkness of the character's forebodding a golden tomato - the brightness of the imagery set against a bleak backdrop is brilliant, it leaps off the page and burns into my imagination.<BR/><BR/>For me at least, the writing itself would make me want to read further. I am amazed at what other readers can discern from such a small excerpt, given that this excerpt would be but a small part of a giant jigsaw and it is impossible for any author to cram full-bodied character development into such a short piece. <BR/><BR/>I did not find the grammar or style distracting. The author was able to paint a clear picture in my imagination. Amazing that he or she achieved that in such a short space.<BR/><BR/>Very, very good<BR/>Joe.Joe Novellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10885086655175714405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60264199175841737642009-03-03T18:36:00.000-05:002009-03-03T18:36:00.000-05:00It had a great first couple lines that drip with s...It had a great first couple lines that drip with sinister implication, "The warm rain spattered Eric’s face and dripped from his eyebrows and newly-shaven chin. It was the last time he’d ever feel it."<BR/><BR/>Then it breaks down quickly from ominous into inconvenience - Eh, I'd prefer not to go, but I will because it's better for my family.<BR/><BR/>The author starts building the SF setting, but because of the quick disintegration of tension, this book would stay on the shelf unread.Cravenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430626765231636800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75808107402632336732009-03-03T18:31:00.000-05:002009-03-03T18:31:00.000-05:00I'd read on if only for this line here:– to blend ...I'd read on if only for this line here:<BR/>– to blend into the wilderness with the Pariahs, living off the land and the belongings of those who were unfortunate enough to find themselves at the sharp end of a blade in the dark of night.<BR/><BR/>That one line hooked me enough that I would turn the page with the hopes that we would eventually find outselves at the sharp end of a blade in the dark of night!Karen Denisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15154015690643682525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13777433283315069632009-03-03T17:46:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:46:00.000-05:00This is SO not my genre but the writing is good. T...This is SO not my genre but the writing is good. The first sentence confused me, though. Is this the narrator being omniscient, in which case then do we already know Eric will never get out of the bubble? Depressing. Or does Eric just THINK it's the last time? In which case, how does he really know? Could have said something about how he was scared it was the last time he'd ever feel it...Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84183238147984399402009-03-03T17:43:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:43:00.000-05:00See, this I like. This grabs me. I get a feel for ...See, this I like. This grabs me. I get a feel for the character, world, and problem right away. There's no question in my mind about how this book is going to run, I know what the monster is. <BR/><BR/>Love it!Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6673254307741678062009-03-03T17:23:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:23:00.000-05:00This reminded me of the city of Ember. The idea of...This reminded me of the city of Ember. The idea of a sheltered utopia may be a bit common, but I liked the details you injected. Especially about leaving the green tomatoes behind. I could sense Eric's melancholy really well there.<BR/><BR/>It was an interesting start and I'm hoping the story and narrator will do something soon to set themselves apart from other similar stories out there.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4839783788498150502009-03-03T17:09:00.000-05:002009-03-03T17:09:00.000-05:00I like dysoptian fiction, but I found this confusi...I like dysoptian fiction, but I found this confusing with how it ambled between tenses. It has potential, but getting me immediately confused is not a good hook. It probably means more confusion to come.<BR/><BR/>If the back of the book blurb was good, I'd go onward if I had some sense that I liked where it was going. If I was reading this online, I'd close the window.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51082620246769910522009-03-03T16:51:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:51:00.000-05:00I read this: 'newly-shaven chin. It was the last t...I read this: 'newly-shaven chin. It was the last time he’d ever feel it.' and thought 'it' referred to his chin and thought "oh, neat, he's about to be executed for something..."<BR/><BR/>Maybe that's just me...<BR/><BR/>It's a little over-done and a cliche (there are even musicals with this plot [GRAIL], not to mention a couple hundred movies) so it'll have to have something unique going for it, and that uniqueness doesn't come across in this short little blurb. <BR/><BR/>Also, wasting 35 words on tomatoes in the 'hook' doesn't make much sense and seems to bring the entire scene screeching to a halt. Of course, the tomatoes are then followed by one heck of run-on sentence that acts just as much as a speed bump as the previous sentences do. <BR/><BR/>In the end, not hooked, sorry. Might be interested to read some of the 'outside-the-bubble' works that Eric's been reading...maybe they might be entertaining.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50042453649580451002009-03-03T16:46:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:46:00.000-05:00I'm absolutely hooked. I love the premise, the na...I'm absolutely hooked. I love the premise, the narrative voice, and the internal narrative. And the use of tomatoes as a specific thing Eric will miss is a lovely metaphor. I'd love to read more of this!LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15893652508222094012009-03-03T16:16:00.000-05:002009-03-03T16:16:00.000-05:00Logan's Run anybody? Okay, please tell me I'm not...Logan's Run anybody? Okay, please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that movie? Please!!!!<BR/><BR/>Definitely not hooked and not sure I would even consider reading more. Is everyone terminated when they reach 30? Sorry, flashback to Logan's Run. I obviously made it past the termination point of 30 . . . and I'm not saying how far past.<BR/><BR/>The writer projects good imagery, but the voice wavers a bit here and there. I think the voice needs to be tightened somewhat.Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06905515473737579937noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46069305170325773052009-03-03T15:56:00.000-05:002009-03-03T15:56:00.000-05:00There are a couple of sentences that could be stre...There are a couple of sentences that could be strengthened and re-written to pull us in more.<BR/><BR/><I>It was the last time he’d ever feel it.</I><BR/><BR/>This comment comes across as omni, even though the rest seems more third-person. If he raised his face to the heavens, just in case it really <I>was</I> his last chance to enjoy such a privilege, that portrays the same information but is more vivid and in his POV, AND it shows something about his character.<BR/><BR/>His name is used four times. Since there's no one else mentioned, it pulls me out and makes the prose feel "cold" to keep saying, "Eric failed to see" instead of "He failed to see." Or even better, "How could anyone be happy...?"<BR/><BR/><I>He hated...</I> and <I>It had crossed...</I>. Passive writing, I think it's called. Pull it more into his POV, again. show his thoughts. He's not thinking, "I hate the thought of leaving these behind." He's thinking something more like, "I don't want to leave these behind. Maybe I should slip into the forest...disappear..." <BR/><BR/>The rest of that paragraph lost me. If this is the beginning of the story, then it should be a little more clear, somehow.<BR/><BR/><I>But no. Eric wasn't made of that stuff, and he knew it.</I> What exactly does this mean? Does he not have the guts to run? Or is he too honorable to abandon what he sees is his duty? How about something like: <I>But no. He couldn't. He had a duty to perform for the sake of _____. And he never shirked his duty."</I><BR/><BR/>Finally, I'll echo the other comments about the confusion as to whether he really has to stay or not. I didn't know what to think of the last paragraph for this reason.Kathleen MacIverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02263212018219137277noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58799884148987765792009-03-03T15:27:00.000-05:002009-03-03T15:27:00.000-05:00Words that end in -ly (like newly) don't need to b...Words that end in -ly (like newly) don't need to be followed by a hyphen.<BR/><BR/> My first question in reading this, believe it or not, was: If the City is so self-contained and sealed for everyone's safety how would anyone really know enough to write about or talk about what it's like?<BR/><BR/>I'm sure there's an answer. Unfortunately, I'm not really hooked by the voice to read on and find out.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45300960979414954242009-03-03T14:57:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:57:00.000-05:00I read SF and fantasy, so this genre has more appe...I read SF and fantasy, so this genre has more appeal for me than the other two openings. I like also that we start with a character who's going to do something he doesn't care for; there's more potential for conflict here than in the other openings. While the tomato picking isn't that interesting, it gives us insight into his character. I'd read on for a bit to see how this develops.Sandra Ulbrich Almazanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15365908651235829765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41907656774633945182009-03-03T14:43:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:43:00.000-05:00I do like this, and I would definately read on. W...I do like this, and I would definately read on. While the dystopia thing has been done over and over, this one was interesting to me. I like the trace of his inner struggle, and the fact that he has given in to his fate for the moment. It shows a lot of potential for growth and flaws.Ann Brysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06003635203935638760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91509372603334182002009-03-03T14:35:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:35:00.000-05:00I think it depends who I am following into a bubbl...I think it depends who I am following into a bubble...I'd probably follow Eric Bana or some other hunky man! ;-)Tracihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16399764927137200395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27546506020064101742009-03-03T14:17:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:17:00.000-05:00I think the writing is good, but not special. To ...I think the writing is good, but not special. To take on something that has been done this many times, the writing has to sing. It's not there yet. But I see the possiblity of it.<BR/><BR/>I'm with writaholic. I wouldn't follow anyone into that bubble. However, I'd follow him into the woods or if he had an immediate escape plan. Or if you gave stakes if he doesn't comply (which you might do later, one page is so not enough!). Maybe the whole family has to go in together or they will be eliminated. Better yet, and more rare in this genre, if the entire family tries to stay out or makes an escape plan. Especially if there were little ones. You tell a story like that and I'm hooked.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79866780169258817042009-03-03T14:16:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:16:00.000-05:00Interesting opening. Could use some tension for m...Interesting opening. Could use some tension for me to get me to turn the page and read on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05663703767093923242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68396374956258323212009-03-03T14:15:00.000-05:002009-03-03T14:15:00.000-05:00Yes. I love this.I was snagged right at the first ...Yes. I love this.<BR/><BR/>I was snagged right at the first line. Lots of description - but enough description to allow the reader to feel and see the setting. I could almost smell the air<:Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.com