tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6306717248154348045..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: F2S 36Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88736240166203329972008-12-05T21:32:00.000-05:002008-12-05T21:32:00.000-05:00What is it with starting novels with "it" around h...What is it with starting novels with "it" around here lately? Did I miss a memo? (Seriously, among the past six subs I've read, three have started with "it.")<BR/><BR/>I think the first sentence is unnecessary. The second does a much better job of saying the same thing. (Nit alert: Shouldn't the second sentence end "...the pale orange haze that the morning sun WOULD BRING"? The sun's not up yet; hence, the past-tense "brought" sounds off to me.)<BR/><BR/>Does something actually happen in the third sentence? If so, I'd probably read on. :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05740371055384281988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89075179558924316132008-12-04T19:34:00.000-05:002008-12-04T19:34:00.000-05:00To me, these both say the same thing. I like the s...To me, these both say the same thing. I like the second setence better, and would vote for cutting the first one completely.The Screaming Guppyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16962615828294805869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13743129881718704992008-12-04T17:40:00.000-05:002008-12-04T17:40:00.000-05:00It's a maybe for me. The genre/setting kinda jump...It's a maybe for me. The genre/setting kinda jumps all over the mat. For example: <I>The land of Drualtys was coated in a dark denim blanket</I> --denim didn't exist in medieval times, and "Drualtys" implies to me that this is a fantasy story set in such a pseudo-historical period.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91542702239649796022008-12-04T10:05:00.000-05:002008-12-04T10:05:00.000-05:00Nice descriptions. I was a little tripped up by th...Nice descriptions. I was a little tripped up by the world name. It’s good set up, but nothing has actually happened yet to grab my interest. Also – and this is going to sound goofy and picky – you described your world as being coated with a blanket. When I think coated I think with paint or with a jacket and when I think blanket I think covered. I know its poetic license, but something about that phrase bugs me. It’s a well written, but slow opening. Perhaps that’s what you intended though. Not everything has to begin fast paced. I like it, but you’d have to hook me sometime during that first page.Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84053454932008851052008-12-03T21:36:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:36:00.000-05:00It seems too wordy and repetitive. It basically sa...It seems too wordy and repetitive. It basically says the same thing. i would only need one or the other to tell me the time of day. then I'd want to know why that's important or get some action going.Bethlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00399849555406133310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41641009459922296082008-12-03T21:35:00.000-05:002008-12-03T21:35:00.000-05:00So...it's sunrise, then? Nice prose, but nothing h...So...it's sunrise, then? Nice prose, but nothing here hooks me. Sorry.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18804193709934105082008-12-03T20:29:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:29:00.000-05:00No, the description feels too generic to me. Sorry...No, the description feels too generic to me. Sorry.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17652720175608251952008-12-03T19:19:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:19:00.000-05:00I meant #37... :#I meant #37... :#Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54398521381413448842008-12-03T19:17:00.000-05:002008-12-03T19:17:00.000-05:00Hm... this reminds me of #38. I like the promise o...Hm... this reminds me of #38. <BR/><BR/>I like the promise of a fantasy here, but I got a little impatient with the descriptives of dawn.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90985672968676795852008-12-03T18:20:00.000-05:002008-12-03T18:20:00.000-05:00I also wonder whether this is a land that would be...I also wonder whether this is a land that would be familiar with denim. _I_ might be as a reader but if the narrator wouldn't be, can't use the image.Heather Wardellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07266031957030063157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86428492409563076592008-12-03T15:34:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:34:00.000-05:00This is flowery. We know what twilight looks like....This is flowery. We know what twilight looks like. Take us to the action!Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35978511979094523302008-12-03T15:27:00.000-05:002008-12-03T15:27:00.000-05:00Agree about deleting the first sentence. However, ...Agree about deleting the first sentence. However, this looks like it'll get flowery REALLY soon - "surrendered" kinda leads me to thinking that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51664043874964982422008-12-03T14:50:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:50:00.000-05:00The second sentence is great. Not hooked though, b...The second sentence is great. Not hooked though, because of the redundancyAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15772115162429818530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56144343566768431482008-12-03T13:43:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:43:00.000-05:00As the others said, lose the first sentence. The s...As the others said, lose the first sentence. The second is good, and I can't help but wonder how their land got under a blanketJS Bangshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09380732454877495290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83844586439524854392008-12-03T12:57:00.000-05:002008-12-03T12:57:00.000-05:00I think the first sentence could be deleted. It t...I think the first sentence could be deleted. It tells exactly what the second ones shows. <BR/><BR/>The second one is compelling- very visual, and it sets the scene perfectly.Jeannie Rueschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16121805051292444835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11648562167303243212008-12-03T12:37:00.000-05:002008-12-03T12:37:00.000-05:00The first two sentences seems to be saying the sam...The first two sentences seems to be saying the same thing to me. I would say that the author doesn't need both.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com