tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post666700381865194347..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round One #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32597514503185360002012-09-27T11:03:34.546-04:002012-09-27T11:03:34.546-04:00I think you can tighten this up by removing the &q...I think you can tighten this up by removing the "she didn't expect" aspect of it; that's a given. I am curious though, so good job. Oh, I just saw your rewrite, great!Judy Mintzhttp://www.judymintz.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42933231552265586012012-09-26T15:02:52.875-04:002012-09-26T15:02:52.875-04:00I like revision #2! Threatening the relationship w...I like revision #2! Threatening the relationship with the man she loves is enough "stakes" for me. Wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114624813405241762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26716011872945640832012-09-26T14:38:12.956-04:002012-09-26T14:38:12.956-04:00WHy? WHy 'must' she do these things? Wha...WHy? WHy 'must' she do these things? What will happen if she doesn't? Add that, and I think this will work.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21298097795253233432012-09-26T10:40:42.053-04:002012-09-26T10:40:42.053-04:00Natasha posted a link for effective loglines. Base...Natasha posted a link for effective loglines. Based on that site, here is revision #2:<br /><br />A young woman researching her grandpapa’s past travels to Hungary, but the secrets she uncovers threaten her relationship with the Gypsy she loves.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85046847423461656882012-09-26T09:41:03.958-04:002012-09-26T09:41:03.958-04:00Thanks for everyone's help on this. I've i...Thanks for everyone's help on this. I've incorporated much of what you all contributed. Here's the revised version:<br /><br />While in Pécs, Hungary to research her grandpapa’s childhood, Amanda Smith falls in love with a Gypsy dancer and stumbles on a trail of secrets involving her grandpapa and the dancer’s family. Now she questions everything she knew about her beloved grandpapa and must repair the wounds between the two families she didn’t intend to open.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86196506976553146962012-09-26T08:17:12.087-04:002012-09-26T08:17:12.087-04:00Most of this is backstory and setup. Also, the &qu...Most of this is backstory and setup. Also, the "she didn't expect...." is kind of a cliche (or at least I see it a lot in pitches and such). Tell us specifically what she needs and what obstacles she has to overcome to achieve her goal.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-111967197426260722012-09-26T01:24:29.288-04:002012-09-26T01:24:29.288-04:00I'm adding my agreement to Amy Jay and Wendy&#...I'm adding my agreement to Amy Jay and Wendy's suggestions. If her wounds made her race of to Hungary, mention them earlier; if not, leave them out. Great start!Bonnie Staringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15617661715759556106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80485625244303905732012-09-25T23:52:44.532-04:002012-09-25T23:52:44.532-04:00I agree with Amy Jay and Wendy...combine the first...I agree with Amy Jay and Wendy...combine the first two and condense and you'll have a good logline. I'm not a huge Multicultural/Women's Fiction reader, but I'd probably look to read more of this one.<br /><br />Side note, works of fiction do not need to be politically correct - keep the Gypsies. I would have had no idea what you were talking about if you said Roma. I might have thought they were tomatoes.Samantha Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193467123499224688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40949219688694397002012-09-25T19:43:00.958-04:002012-09-25T19:43:00.958-04:00Anon, not everyone knows that. Look at the memoir,...Anon, not everyone knows that. Look at the memoir, GYPSY BOY. There's another memoir written by a female American Roma who also uses the term Gypsy in her title, but I forget the name of the book. The point is a writer has to start with terms the audience is familiar with. Then the writer can educate the audience.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64166061879067761182012-09-25T19:37:29.540-04:002012-09-25T19:37:29.540-04:00Is it essential we know the timeline of her planne...Is it essential we know the timeline of her planned stay? What kind of secrets? Evil? Was grandpa bad? Had her grandpa hurt her in the past? And if so, why is he so beloved?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69579245248812840782012-09-25T18:50:13.173-04:002012-09-25T18:50:13.173-04:00The word gypsy is offensive to many for its pejora...The word gypsy is offensive to many for its pejorative associations with dishonesty and theft. The preferred term is Roma. It's best to observe cultural sensitivities, especially when you categorize the work as multicultural.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63467575391361108962012-09-25T15:44:43.142-04:002012-09-25T15:44:43.142-04:00I like the setting a lot.
I agree with Wendy abou...I like the setting a lot.<br /><br />I agree with Wendy about the first sentence. You could even say, 'Amanda didn't expect to fall in love with a gypsy dancer in Hungary . . .'<br /><br />And I don't mind the cryptic reference to wounds she opens. That's part of what intrigues me about this logline.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08110213933809568684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59902570788035662232012-09-25T15:29:36.506-04:002012-09-25T15:29:36.506-04:00Interesting subject!
I think you can do without th...Interesting subject!<br />I think you can do without the first sentence. Just start with: On vacation in Pecs, Hungary, Amanda didn't expect to fall in love with a Gypsy dancer....then tell us why it matters. Unless of course Amanda isn't on vacation. If she's in Hungary for some specific reason that has to do with her grandfather, I'd like to know that. That might help me understand why Amanda's relationship with her grandpapa is important to her and the story.Wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114624813405241762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65458715147020444992012-09-25T12:53:23.443-04:002012-09-25T12:53:23.443-04:00The "one week into .... three months stay...&...The "one week into .... three months stay..." feels unnecessary to me. I like the rest.Marianne Suhttp://www.mariannesu.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86950987881897266072012-09-25T12:42:35.888-04:002012-09-25T12:42:35.888-04:00I agree with Walter about the wounds.
Also, the...I agree with Walter about the wounds. <br /><br />Also, there's a tense issue with the second sentence; it needs to be in the present tense. Maybe, "When she unexpectedly falls in love with a Gypsy dancer and stumbles on a trail of secrets..." and then something more specific about the wounds.K Callardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86884567611973618182012-09-25T12:41:16.409-04:002012-09-25T12:41:16.409-04:00I like this logline, but it raises a couple of que...I like this logline, but it raises a couple of questions for me. Did she go to Hungary because her grandfather had been there? And why is grandpa important? Finally, what wounds? Either expand or remove it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88663321097736675482012-09-25T12:39:46.180-04:002012-09-25T12:39:46.180-04:00There is no goal here. If what she wants is to rep...There is no goal here. If what she wants is to repair her wounds, she can go lie on a psychologist's couch and be done (but I'm guessing this is not what she actually wants!) If this an obstacle to what she wants, then you need to show that connection (ie, does she want love but her pain makes her unable to trust men?)<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30059866912756925202012-09-25T11:35:10.697-04:002012-09-25T11:35:10.697-04:00I like, but since you don't mention wounds ear...I like, but since you don't mention wounds earlier, I don't understand what needs to be repaired. I'd remove that, or expand on these wounds.Walterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13828924901372990187noreply@blogger.com